My desision not to be a bug chaser
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1 January 2009 | 11 Comments
If you’ve been reading this for a while you know I’m neg, but pretty “poz friendly”, even bug chaser friendly. At least on a fantasy level I think it would be sorta hot to be a poz top. The sex I get into is a lot about power/control and risk/vulnerability – it’s just natural that the whole HIV/poz thing accentuates those factors, so I totally get how HIV gets eroticized.
I’ve even gone as far as wondering if I wanted to bottom for a high viral load top to hurry things along. The high viral load guy I fucked this past month offered to breed me and given that I tend to bleed when I get fucked (’cause there’s a tear down there that’s never quite healed properly), had I gone for it, it probably would have done the trick.
But I didn’t go for it, though I was really ambivalent. Curiously I had the apartment to myself some nights and getting bred on those days would have had a certain poetic/ironic quality to it. World AIDS Day was one day, and on the “gift giving” side of things – my birthday was another day I had the place to myself, and then there was a day early in Christmas week.
In the end it came down to the fact that while I don’t mind taking risk having the sex that I normally have being a top, I didn’t really want to do more than that. The phrase that kept going through my head was “life has enough hassles I don’t need to go looking for another one”.
Now, had I been a bottom I think the decision would have been completely different. In that case my normal sex life would most certainly have resulted in becoming poz, so I think I would have embraced the whole poz thing and bug chased. There’s something to having a decent idea of who pozzed you, or knowing when it happened (say a gangbang), or having a video o it. And I probably would have done the same if I were versatile.
But I’m a top and it’s not certain that I’ll become poz, so I’m going to just keep doing what I’m doing. If it happens, I’m fine with it. If it doesn’t, I’m fine with that too…
I guess my whole point in this post is to say I know where a lot of you are coming from. I understand those of you who are bug chasers, and I understand those of you who choose not to bug chase but still fantasize about it. To me it all seems pretty normal.
While reading my usual blogs this morning, all with New Year greetings and reminders to NOT drink and drive, one post was followed by another post about taking loads and it occurred to me – we all know that drinking and driving could seriously hurt or kill not only ourselves but our passengers and/or other drivers/bystanders. Why don’t we feel the same about getting HIV? Don’t drink and drive, Don’t get HIV! The worst thing about HIV is the look on your friends and families face’s when you tell them. Then it’s a never ending coming out process – you have to tell tricks, lovers, people on the tennis court if you cut yourself, doctors, eye doctors, dentists, dermatologists, find doctors who specialize in HIV, then you become tied to your job for the health insurance both medical and rx, can’t leave a bad situation, can’t be recruited bc HIV is a pre-existing condition and although some major cities have great HIV programs, what do you think will be cut until the economy recovers? Health issues aside who would want the hassles I just mentioned, you have the added fun of loosing several hours of you life every going to the doc every so many weeks and then having your blood taken and then going to the pharmacy. Although HIV is very treatable, it’s not worth the “excitement” which will end very quickly.
Because Ad, at first it wasn’t an insane regulation, but now we have so many HIV+ that the regulation isn’t needed anymore.
The death risk of smoking is higher, but you can quit at any time, and the Government could technically completely ban smoking at any time. Unfortunately, you can’t quit a disease.
Everyone outside of the small group of bugchasers and people with those fantasies hates them. They’re a liability to insure the disease will never be brought to an end, and their tax dollars are the ones paying for your pills for turning your healthy blood into Biohazard Waste.
this post really spoke to me because i’ve just got a negative result. i’m bottom only and i’d kinda reconciled myself to having got pozzed along the way having never asked about status (if the top wanted it raw, that was fine by me). now i find myself having to deal the question of whether i completely change my sexual behaviour (ie, insisting on rubbers every time even though i hate them and always have) or whether i carry on as before (pozzing bound to take place at some point) or whether i take active steps to get pozzed. at the moment, i don’t know what i’m gonna do so it was good to read that i’m not the only one who’s been in the same position.
Out of curiosity, how many bottoms do you think you’ve fucked? The risk of acquiring HIV as a top from a partner of unknown status during one act of unprotected sex is indeed relatively small (0.06%). However, the more bottoms you fuck, the higher the risk. If you have sex with 100 bottoms, the risk rises to almost 6%. For 200, it’s over 11%. And so on. This year alone, you had anal sex in 89 hookups–does that include all the backroom/bathhouse encounters, or just the ones where you had someone over?
Great posting, took alot of guts to be honest and say what you did. I once had a b’friend who waited 6 weeks after me boning him 2x a day that he was HIV+. It came down to me being responsible for my body and status. You make your own decisions and if people bitch because now after all these years of being an outcast of just another gay male they’re finally part of the “hip”/HIV+ crowd and you don’t want to sit at the popular kids table, that’s cool with me. Good luck and stay healthy.
I am HIV positive and actually progressed to full blown AIDS. This was 3 years ago and now I completely undetectable. I am alive due to the new medications and also my positive attitude. I look Ok, feel OK…none of the stereotypical “HIV look.” I admire people who are honest and Rawtop certainly is. Again, what people consent to is their issue. As mentioned in an earlier post here, it is a major hassle having this disease and you better have insurance and a good one at that. The meds. are a fortune and going to the doctors is a pain and a hassle. If you apply for insurance, you will be denied due to the infamous “pre-existing” clause or you will pay a fortune in premiums. The state funded and privately funded programs for HIV patients are closing left and right – due to cutbacks and decreased funds an, in general, terrible. Believe it or not, their is discrimination within the medical community against people with HIV, I have experienced it! It is a pain meeting someone because, by law, in almost all U.S. states, you must disclose or face criminal charges. In some places it is considered “attempted murder.” Do you want, it is your life, you body.
I understand why a top, like you, would be intrigued with getting the bug. If you were a poz top, it would be a completely different power dynamic when you fuck bottoms raw. Thinking about injecting poz seed in a bottom can be very erotic … just as all risky things can have an erotic component. If you were poz, how would it make you feel to fuck a bottom, knowing that he might take your poz load and possibly convert? Would it make a difference if the bottom really wanted that poz load, or if he wasn’t sure? (I’m assuming disclosure, of course.) As you’ve pointed out on the bb porn section of this blog, it can be very erotic to watch a man you know is poz (or exhibits all the ordinary signs of it) fucking a young guy who might not be. How would it change your breeding habits??
Being married to insurance or state funded medical treament that may or may not be available is fun!
So are monthly prescription copays that continually rise every year! Sorry your insurance is now on a percentage basis instead of a flat rate. Your $20 per month is now $100. And how many meds are you on?
What? You got a cough and now you need a chest x-ray that isn’t covered by your insurance or you need a lab test that isn’t covered as well? $300 for each please!
Thanks for playing the Bug Chaser Game!