1 January 2009 | 11 Comments
If you’ve been reading this for a while you know I’m neg, but pretty “poz friendly”, even bug chaser friendly. At least on a fantasy level I think it would be sorta hot to be a poz top. The sex I get into is a lot about power/control and risk/vulnerability – it’s just natural that the whole HIV/poz thing accentuates those factors, so I totally get how HIV gets eroticized.
I’ve even gone as far as wondering if I wanted to bottom for a high viral load top to hurry things along. The high viral load guy I fucked this past month offered to breed me and given that I tend to bleed when I get fucked (’cause there’s a tear down there that’s never quite healed properly), had I gone for it, it probably would have done the trick.
But I didn’t go for it, though I was really ambivalent. Curiously I had the apartment to myself some nights and getting bred on those days would have had a certain poetic/ironic quality to it. World AIDS Day was one day, and on the “gift giving” side of things – my birthday was another day I had the place to myself, and then there was a day early in Christmas week.
In the end it came down to the fact that while I don’t mind taking risk having the sex that I normally have being a top, I didn’t really want to do more than that. The phrase that kept going through my head was “life has enough hassles I don’t need to go looking for another one”.
Now, had I been a bottom I think the decision would have been completely different. In that case my normal sex life would most certainly have resulted in becoming poz, so I think I would have embraced the whole poz thing and bug chased. There’s something to having a decent idea of who pozzed you, or knowing when it happened (say a gangbang), or having a video o it. And I probably would have done the same if I were versatile.
But I’m a top and it’s not certain that I’ll become poz, so I’m going to just keep doing what I’m doing. If it happens, I’m fine with it. If it doesn’t, I’m fine with that too…
I guess my whole point in this post is to say I know where a lot of you are coming from. I understand those of you who are bug chasers, and I understand those of you who choose not to bug chase but still fantasize about it. To me it all seems pretty normal.