Labels – Necessary Evils, But Confusing
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8 February 2008 | 7 Comments
The other night “friend of a friend” came over to hang out. He and my boyfriend were doing tequila shots plus drinking wine, so they were pretty drunk… Somehow the fact that I had been an escort many years ago came up. That was followed by someone labeling me a “whore” and the other person basically agreed. They didn’t mean it in the pay-for-sex literal kind of way as much as he meant to say I was a slut…
But I don’t really think of myself as a “whore” or a “slut”, though I do fuck guys in dark rooms and anonymous sex gets my dick hard fast… I don’t know – you guys read the blog… Am I a slut (or a whore)?
Then last night when I was fucking the Brazillian guy we got on the subject of body types. We were talking about sex parties and how there were some for “big guys”, and another one for “men” that his boyfriend went to had some guys who were overweight attending it. I mentioned that I consider myself “stocky” and want to get to the point where I’m just “beefy”, and that I didn’t know if I qualified for either “bear” or “cub” at this point. He didn’t understand the difference between stocky and beefy, so I said to me “beefy” was having a little bit of fat over your muscles but no real belly, whereas “stocky” was having a belly, and “chubby” was having a pronounced belly, and “fat” was just, well… fat…
But if that’s beefy/stocky/chubby/fat, where do “cubs” and “bears” fall into that picture? To me they’re partly differentiated by age, with younger guys being cubs and older guys being bears, but I also think of cubs as being somewhat leaner… I also don’t ever think of cubs as being tops, but maybe that’s just me… And to me the “ideal bear” is also hairy, and masculine. In my mind I can’t see labeling myself a cub, but I don’t think I’m heavy enough to be a bear either. I feel like I’m in between labels on this one and “stocky” is the only thing that fits. Guys who really like bears might call me a bear – but I’m definitely on the lean side of “bear”…
Speaking of cubs and bears – the related label that’s pretty well defined is “otter” – a lean hairy guy who’s probably into leather.
The other thing I asked the Brazilian guy was whether he’d describe me as a “dom top”. I’ve never really felt like I fit that description. I think of “dom tops” as being pretty forceful. I just manage to get my way. He thought I was pretty dominant though since I come across as pretty stern and serious. That much is about right since I don’t really want to talk or be all that affectionate until after I’ve given the bottom my load…
The other label that seems pretty well defined but very few people who qualify want to embrace is “bug chaser”. I’ve had a number of guys recently who admit to being HIV negative and taking poz loads in their ass, but follow that up by “but I’m not a bug chaser”… In many cases they’re even turned on by the idea of getting a poz load and they’re excited when they find out (usually after the fact) that a load they just got in their ass is poz, but since they don’t want to become poz they don’t think of themselves as “bug chasers”. In other words, they’ve defined the “bug chaser” label as someone who wants to become poz – they don’t want to become poz, they just want the thrill of getting poz cum in their ass, so they think they’re not a bug chaser. Umm… “distinction without a difference”? At the same time I know exactly what they mean.
And for god’s sake “VGL” has got to be the worst label of all… I mean beauty is in the eye of the beholder, some may say bears are “VGL”, where others would think the same bear is a disgusting old guy…
Labels are a funny thing… Can’t live without them, but they often raise more questions than they answer…
Labels, stereotyping, profiling are all the same thing that are code for making a hasty judgment. They’re also synonymous for being WRONG! When we make judgments without using our brain it teaches the brain to concentrate resources on speed instead of insight. In other words hasty judgments physically make people STUPID.
There are times when we don’t have the luxury of time in making an informed decision. An example might be like when I’m on my bike and I have to react quickly. Anyway what I’m saying is those people trying to label you Mr. Rawtop are not doing it because they want to place you in your proper category, but because they want to get you shoved in a category so they know how to start judging you. They will filter content regarding you to justify the category they have you shoved in and you will slowly turn from human into an archetype. Deserved or undeserved.
These people may be your friends RawTop and I don’t want to risk your wrath but this situation is all too common in the gay community and America. I just want people to slow down and reserve judgment for awhile, which coincidentally is probably what they want people to do for them. BTW you may be a “Slut” or a “Whore” and we all know how much better the world would be with more of them and less of the hasty judgers 😛
im old fashioned… tops that go around breeding any hole is a stud… a bottom who takes loads from more than one guy every so often is a slut. and thats the way i like it. 😉
average joe – precisely! when was the last time you heard a straight guy called a slut? ergo total tops aren’t sluts – you gotta bottom to earn that label!
makes sense to me…
i’ll take either title, slut or whore, and wear it with pride, because i’m both. i like sex. i like cock in my ass. and even more so, i love cum in my ass. i live in so cal and will go to the bathhouses (midtowne or 1350) and end up with at least 10 loads. (for some reason, the latin and black guys just love my pink, redheaded hole!!) so take either title, or both, and tell everyone! if they’re offended, do you really want them as a friend? 😉
If I had enough time and also cared enough to experience enough of everyone’s personality in various situations, yes, I’d likely be more verbose in my description of individuals. Alas, I don’t.
But what about using labels to succinctly describe someone’s actions? Example: Regularly appearing on one’s lunch hour at the local bath, getting a cabin and hanging a sign on the door stating “Gimme your raw load!” is pretty slutty, no? If said individual is also a three-piece-suit businessman for 60 hours a week (label: professional; corporate wonk) does that negate any part of the fact that his anonymized nooners still make him a slut?
As long as the context of a stereotype is understood (physical appearance, actions, decisions, etc.) and the notion that labeling something as dynamic as a complete person is nothing but drastic oversimplification, I think we’re OK. The harm in such brevity comes when these terse labels are used as a factual end point rather than a relative introduction.
Or something.
otterpig – Yeah, but the confusion comes when someone puts out an ad saying they want a “dom top” or that they don’t want to hook up with a “bear”. I never know if I meet their definition of the label…
Ah! There’s the problem! You’re trying to get inside someone’s head to figure out what they’re thinking.
From your memoirs, you’re obviously very “typed” as well — lots of “not really my type so I moved on” comments. Not sure what you’re advertising when trolling on CraigsList, etc., but I’m guessing it’s not an open call for just any BB bottom. We all know that a few chapters describing what you want is either not read or tags the author as “potentially chatty.” I’m not saying that’s a bad approach, but in the context of this post, I’m just sayin’…
As I said, stereotypes/labels are a place to start, not end. What’s the harm in testing the waters? No response or *gasp* a snippy e-mail essentially saying “no”? I have a hard time believing you’re that thin-skinned in this day and age.
PS – Just started reading your blog. Fun!