2016-12

I’ve been really bad about blogging for while now. I’ve gone to a lot of sex parties this year, but haven’t actually bred that many holes. Sex parties are a good venue to fuck a lot of ass – I’ve fucked like 90 guys this year, BUT (for me) they’re horrible for actually cumming. I usually need the bottom on his belly to cum and most of the sex clubs around here don’t have proper beds.

Anyway… Last night I bred this bug chaser. God, I love bug chasers. There’s just something really hot about a guy begging you to give him a toxic load and convert him. This particular bug chaser was in town from the UK where (AFAIK) they’re still fighting about who’s gonna pay for PrEP. So many of the neg guys in NYC are on PrEP – I sorta miss the days when bottoms put their future health in the hands of the tops who fucked them raw. There were consequences to sex back then that made it edgier and more exciting than it is these days…

Anyway the bug chaser wanted me to fuck him with my big PA to rough up his hole. My PA has been a bit sensitive lately – especially when I wear my big ring for too long. But before I left the house I popped half a Levitra and put in the big ring. It’s not every day I get bottoms begging me to poz them, so didn’t mind giving him what he wanted – even if it was a bit painful for me.

I was sorta hoping I could watch him take other loads, but when I got to his hotel I was the only top.  He was on all fours on the bed with his face looking the other direction. The only light was the light from the bathroom with the bathroom door slightly ajar. I stripped down to just socks and my shirt and started rimming him. I asked how many loads he had in him and he said three. I wasn’t able to felch any of the loads. He just seemed “well lubed”.

Didn’t take me too long to get rock hard at which point I stood up and gently guided my PA into his hole and had him get on his belly. I could definitely feel the loads in him. His hole was nice and silky. But the problem was that my dick kept bottoming out in his ass, which meant my ring was twisting and causing me pain. I tried to see if I could just bear the pain, but finally I realized if I wanted to breed him the ring needed to come out. So I pulled out quickly, and used the pillowcase to get the ball off and the ring out of my dick.

Even before I took the ring out we started with the poz talk… “So you wanna get pozzed?” That started him begging me to poz him and asking if I was toxic, and begging for a toxic load up his ass. He wanted it pretty bad. I was telling him things like “All slutty bottoms should be poz. You know you want this…” It was really hot. Honestly it’s the sorta stuff that goes through my head most of the time when I’m fucking guys – I was just verbalizing it this time.

Needless to say it didn’t take all that long to blow a load, and the load felt really big. All that poz talk got me going.

As I washed up and got dressed he never looked back. I love the fact that he has no clue what I look like, yet he was begging me to give him a toxic load and convert him.

Of course, I have no clue if he’s actually neg. And he has no clue what my HIV status really is. It could have been all fantasy. Or it could have been real. No one really knows. But it was real in that each of our desires were out there and both of us were getting off on the risk. I feel like ARVs are like training wheels for sex these days. At least for a moment we pretended there were no training wheels…

If you’re a bug chaser (real or fantasy) and in NYC, definitely hit me up. I wanna breed you while you beg me to poz you. But offer is off the table if you’re PNPing… Real pigs don’t need drugs to have good sex.

So 2015 was a slow year in some respects, but not in others… I only gave 31 loads last year. That was 2 more than 2014, but generally a pretty slow year. And those 31 loads were spread out over 59 times (sessions) when I fucked guys. So I only managed to cum about half the times that I fucked, which is not good, but more about that in a moment.

The 59 fuck sessions is up from 42 the year before, but there have been better years. 2008 was probably my top year – 67 loads over 89 sessions. But even as recent as 2013 I was did 55 loads over 77 sessions.

BUT where things went way up is in the number of fucks I gave – 176. Basically I went to a lot of sex parties last year where I’d fuck multiple guys in one session. Which also explains why I didn’t cum very often. If I cum early in the night then my dick sometimes things it’s done and stops cooperating – which defeats the point of going to a sex party. On the other hand, when I hold out and don’t cum, by the end of the sex party I usually don’t have enough energy to cum. And the other thing that limits how much I cum is the sex party facilities. I can usually only predictably cum when the bottom is on his belly, and the sex club I go to the most often doesn’t have any beds – making it harder for me to cum.

The other thing that is of note in 2015 is me getting back to the gym (started in 2014, but I managed to keep it going). The problem is that I got a shoulder impingement in late October / early November. It was consistent and concerning enough that I took time off from the gym since so much of what you do at the gym hits the shoulders. But it didn’t repair itself, so in late December I finally went to see a doctor about it. And I started physical therapy a few weeks ago. Bottom line is that I lost some muscle mass because of all that. And I’m now getting back to the gym but at a reduced schedule. My physical therapist has me mostly working my back to get things back in order.

So for 2016 I sorta just want more of the same. It would be nice to get to giving 50+ loads. I think the secret to that is to just force myself to get out there at times when I’m not really feeling like having sex. I mean there are periods of a month or more when I just don’t have sex sometimes. If I can eliminate those periods, my numbers will go up.  And then body-wise I just wanna keep at the gym. Perhaps not as much as I was doing since I’m being productive in my programming for some new sites and don’t want to mess that up. But as I get older I see how important fitness is.

A year ago I started back to the gym after more than 10 years of not going. I wasn’t quite sure how I’d do. I mean in the past I’d start back and then quit. This time I just tried to make a habit of it and never let it get to the point where it felt like work. I mean walking 12 blocks in the freezing cold in the dead of winter wasn’t fun, but I did manage to keep it up. I’m averaging going at least 3-4 days a week.

Improving how I looked was only one of the reasons I went back. I was seriously worried about my cardiac health. My father (who’s in his 90s) has had all sorts of problems and I saw myself repeating his health history. I’ve been on meds for hypertension for 12 years now. I got winded too easily (e.g. going up stairs). And there were little things like really cold hands and feet in winter that made me think my circulation isn’t as good as it should be. And then I read that erectile dysfunction is a sign of heart health problems. Anyway, I needed to take care of my body or I wasn’t going to have a very good next few decades.

At first I was hitting the gym pretty hard and doing rather long workouts that completely wore me out. As I was studying workout technique videos on YouTube I realized that I’d do better if I did shorter workouts. Some guys were saying never do more than 12 sets in a workout – and that is about the time when I start hitting the wall. Then I realized that >20 min of cardio actually can start burning muscle and so I reduced cardio as well.

The results the past year aren’t nearly as dramatic as even 6 months of working out when I was 29, but there is progress. By the numbers I haven’t changed all that much… I’ve only lost 1.9 pounds in the past year. BUT that’s made up of 2.4 pounds of fat (lost), and half a pound of muscle (gained). AND, more importantly, I stopped gaining weight.

So here are the before and after pics…

The change is more dramatic in person than it is in the pictures. People are saying I look different – more athletic. I can fit into medium t-shirts that weren’t an option before. The mediums are tight, but they’re an option. And I feel a difference –here’s just more muscle under all that fat than there used to be, and my cardiac stamina has improved. But even the pics show things like the lines that were defining the bottom of my gut are going away, and my waist (the narrow part just below my rib cage) is getting smaller.

My goal at this point is to be fit by the age of 50 (in 2 1/2 years) and do it in a way that’s completely maintainable. To quote Richard Simmons I want to “live it, not diet”. I was hoping I could get there by now (after a year), but that didn’t happen. At least I’m going in the right direction.

So little by little I’m getting there…

This past week has been a tumultuous one for the porn industry. A week ago today a porn blogger named Zach Sire (see photo to the right and below) did a post where he “outed” a fellow gay blogger – the blogger behind Queer Me Now (who I’ll refer to as QMN for the rest of the article). The whole thing was really petty – QMN had won “best porn blog” two years in a row at the Grabbies and Zach apparently felt he should have won, so he set out to destroy the life of QMN. I don’t use that phrase lightly. QMN is from “a certain Asian country” where porn is illegal and QMN could literally go to jail if the authorities know who he is (a fact Zach knew and mentioned in his attack on QMN). AND it wasn’t just jail – thanks to Zach everyone now knows that QMN has a rather respectable mainstream career as well – one that could get obliterated if people found out he was a gay porn blogger.

But let me stop and give you a little background. QMN and Zach have two very different approaches to porn blogging. QMN is an adoring fan who writes about what he loves. Zach does some porn blogging, but he also has a section that’s basically a gossip column – he just seems to love exposing people’s dirt.  Any time a porn star goes to jail, he covers it. Anytime anyone says nasty about someone else in the porn biz, he covers it. Basically he uses that part of his site to kick people when they’re down and revel in other people’s misery. Which is why I think he’s earned the label ‘bitchy queen’ and ‘mean girl’ many times over.

I’ve sat and chatted with QMN at two industry events and he’s one of the sweetest guys you’ll ever meet. Most everyone in the industry knows him and loves him. So when Zach attacked him there was a huge backlash. A guy named Danny brought it to everyone’s attention. Over the years Danny has run a whole bunch of different porn sites for producers (everything from Asian stuff to HDK to Titan). He’s also a really sweet guy who lived in Asia for years and knows what Zach’s post could mean for QMN. Then Dominic Ford picked up the baton. He’s a porn star / producer who started a business a few years back to fight illegal content on tube sites. So he’s used to dealing with “bad players” in the industry and has contacts with just about every medium to large studio in the biz.

Anyway, I won’t bore you with all the little details, but one important detail is that this isn’t the first time Zach’s exposed people’s identity. There’s this really wonderful woman who used to work for Treasure Island (she now works for Titan). Zach did  a whole piece on her a year ago saying what her real name was, what sort of work she did before working in porn, what sort of other things she’s posted on the Internet, and he imposed her face onto images of bareback fucking and cummy asses and generally implied that she helps in the transmission of STDs. As a result of Zach’s post on her she’s had to consider a legal name change if she wants to get out of porn. But if she does that she loses everything on her resume before she started working for TIM. She’s active on the webmaster board where all of this was being discussed, but she’s just one of many people Zach has fucked over. I mean you should see the things he says about Michael Lucas. In one recent tweet he said “@MichaelLucasNYC Better get back to your coffin, you vile piece of toxic shit. Sun’s coming up in just a couple hours in NYC…” Clearly Zach is NOT a nice guy. I mean I can’t imagine saying something like that about anyone – no matter how much I hate them. Yet Zach does it on a regular basis.

As the shit hit the fan last week people also found out that Zach has a business partner named Davyd Dixon who is a PR guy for many of the big studios. He conveniently claimed that he didn’t have any editorial control over Zach’s blog, but somehow his PR clients never seem to have the problems other studios have with getting slammed on Zach’s blog. (Hmmm…) And it’s not like Zach is even all that consistent. He slams Treasure Island and Lucas for barebacking – talking about how they’re spreading disease, but then he promotes sites like Sketchy Sex and complains that the Grabbies’ condom-only policy means they’re running out of sites to give awards to. His attacks are so random that it really does seem like negative PR rather than a genuine problem with the site or person he’s attacking. I honestly just don’t get where he’s coming from by promoting one site and slamming another that does more or less the same thing.

But seriously even if there is some difference I don’t understand, has Zach never heard of TasP? All the “toxic” stuff that TIM does, that Zach finds so objectionable, is fantasy. Poz guys on meds are some of the least risky people you can have sex with. In 19 years of guys being on ARVs, and probably millions of serodiscordant fucks, there have been no documented cases of an undetectable poz guy transmitting the virus. As a sex industry blogger Zach should know that. So what’s all the fuss? Let people have their fantasies. I mean the porn business is a business based on fantasy. Zach is hardly the god-appointed arbiter of what guys are allowed to jack off to.

Moving on… About 24 hours after the blog post on QMN went up “a hacker” brought down the site, took down the post on QMN, and redirected Zach’s blog to QMN. I don’t think QMN is technically capable of doing such a thing (IMHO, his site is a rather big mess technically). Instead, some people in the industry postulated that Zach just made it appear like he was hacked so he could then claim to be the victim. Which he promptly did in another blog post where he tried to justify his actions and say how horrible everyone was who opposed him. I was even quoted for having suggested on a private webmaster forum that he be permanently banned from getting awards at the Grabbies.

Then he did a video on YouTube where he goes into whether people like me and QMN deserve privacy. He tries to say that bloggers should be transparent and have their identities public (see timecode 1:27). But that’s not how the industry works. It’s a well-established rule in the industry is that no one reveals anyone else’s legal name. Yet despite that, there is still accountability. All my sponsors know my legal name, as do people I meet face-to-face at industry events (at least they know my first name – not always my last name – depends on how well I know them). If I do something it can get back to me – but it goes through a filter of people in the industry who understand my situation because they’re in the same situation themselves.

He then goes on to say that there is no expectation of privacy when you show up to public events (2:30). The thing is at those public events QMN’s legal name was never used. And I would bet the fact that he was from “a certain Asian country” and his mainstream profession were never mentioned either (at least not publicly). To say that, just because he showed his face publicly, EVERYTHING about him is now open for dissemination goes against the well-established rules our industry has lived by for decades. We have those rules because of the stigma mainstream society places on anything related to sex work. We don’t have an issue with what we do, but lots of other people do. Why Zach doesn’t get that, I don’t know.

He gets very specific about this point (3:00) “If you’re writing in a professional sense and you’re a blogger and a conveyor of information you are 100% open to being exposed in terms of what your name is and who you are”. That statement goes against everything our industry has lived by for 40+ years. It’s wrong. It’s dangerous. It hurts real people.

But then he goes on to say (4:00) that pornstars, on the other hand, “have an expectation of privacy  … They don’t want their real names to get out because there are a lot of people who are stalkers. Porn stars are sex objects. They will literally stalk them and they will find out extremely personal information about them, their families, where they live… Scary stuff…  And that’s why porn stars use porn names.” All I can say to that is “Dude, don’t you get it? YOU are QMN’s stalker. All those ‘scary things’ your talking about – you’re the one doing them!”

Then he goes on again to reiterate the point even more (4:36) “Porn bloggers are not porn stars, they’re bloggers. Just because they have the luxury of being behind a computer and never having to really show their face or their name… They’re not entitled to the same protections as pornstars who are putting their face and everything out on camera and who are objectified.” All I can say to that is I’m a blogger AND I’ve been in porn. Sure, I was only in one commercial porn video, but some consider it to be “the most important gay porn video ever made”. So some of us are both pornstars and bloggers. (Though I’m not sure I’d consider myself to be a porn STAR, but presumably he doesn’t mean that smaller porn stars don’t deserve the same protections as bigger porn stars.) And hell, privacy is clearly important to me – I even wore a mask when I was in porn. How much more clearly do I need to make the point about privacy?

But my having been in porn is irrelevant to whether I’m deserving of privacy. Sexually-based stalkers are not the only legitimate reason why someone would have a right to privacy. That’s basically saying that bloggers are too ugly to deserve privacy. All I can say to that is speak for yourself – just because you don’t think you’re sexually attractive enough to deserve privacy doesn’t mean I don’t deserve it, or QMN, or any of the other bloggers out there. Hell, if the United Nations thinks encryption is a human right, then we all have a fundamental right to privacy.

He tries to justify his actions by saying (5:25) “If you are publishing information online you are open to being exposed 100%. Sorry, that’s just the way it is. This is 2015.” But what he fails to ask is “is that a good thing?” And, “do I really want to be one of the mean girls who expose people?” Or maybe has asked those questions and he’s got so little going on in his life and so few prospects for the future that he doesn’t care about being exposed, and he knows he just is a mean girl, so he sees no problem with it.

His other point (5:55) seems to be that he’s free to violate the industry’s code of ethics because he thinks other people are doing things he thinks are unethical. That is completely the opposite of how people should act. It reminds me of the saying that “an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth leaves everyone blind and toothless”. The only way we’ll have a better world is if each of us does our part to make the world better.

So what can you do to make a difference? It’s pretty simple – never click the links on “mean girl” blogs. That’s how Zach and Davyd (and bloggers in general) make their money. You can also make note of who his major sponsors are and simply not buy memberships at those sites. OR at least buy them only via clicking a link on a “good” site. (And by that I don’t mean one of the major tube sites – they’re the topic for a whole other blog post – but suffice it to say they’re a bigger problem than even Zach & Davyd).

And if you’re a porn star who has influence over some of Zach & Davyd’s major sponsors – say something! This is a privacy issue. And while it might not be your privacy that’s threatened today. That may not be the case tomorrow. And when your privacy is threatened in the future you’ll need people like porn bloggers coming to your rescue.

Unfortunately a week after all this inane drama started, not much has changed. Davyd took down two tweets that mentioned QMN’s real name. The hacker took down the post about QMN, and they’ve edited the article on the woman who worked at Treasure Island so it no longer contains her legal name. But it will continue to rank for her name since it once ranked for it in the past. And Zach continues to say he did nothing wrong. He’s even threatened to take a camera to industry-only events to continue to out QMN (and presumably people like me).

Unfortunately the eco-system in porn is so fragile that we can’t deal effectively with the bad players in our industry. The sponsors could end this quickly by dropping him, and a few have, but they’re probably ones that didn’t do much business with Zach/Davyd in the first place. His bigger sponsors won’t drop him because they have a responsibility to their producers to make money and dropping him means less money. And there are so few other big affiliates out there that it’s hard for other affiliates to force the sponsors to do much of anything. We might be able to get a sponsor or two to drop Zach, but I’m not sure that would change much of anything. And it sets a dangerous precedent that might makes right. Sponsors should just do the right thing because it’s right.

So the bottom line is where you click links matters. Clicking a link to a porn site means that site will get a cut of the revenue. You’re helping fund the site when you click the link. So don’t click if you don’t like the site. Don’t give the mean girls money to support their bad habits.

P.S.

Kudos to Banana Guide and The Sword (where Zach used to work) for doing blog posts that stood up to Zach & Davyd. I think a lot of folks in porn are scared to speak their mind because they don’t want what happened to QMN & the woman from TIM, happening to them.

P.P.S.

In the event Zach thinks he needs to out me so everyone “understands my motivations”… Let me just save him the effort and state them clearly…

I run this site and number of others (the two biggest of which are Breeding Zone and Raunchy Fuckers). I support myself entirely on income from the sites, so yes, making money is most definitely a goal of mine. Though, in all honesty, I probably make more money (on paper at least) through some smart real estate investments my husband and I have made over the years (starting before I got into porn), so these sites help, but they’re not solely responsible for everything I have.

And yes, there’s some “controversial” stuff on my sites – stuff like bug chasing. But it’s all consistent with my somewhat libertine belief that people should be able to do with their bodies as they please. I provide places like Breeding Zone where people can safely express their sexual fantasies. Talking about sex is a good thing. For example being able to safely admit to being a bug chaser provides the opportunity for others in the community to say “That’s fine, but are you sure? Maybe you should consider PrEP…” Where I draw the line is things that hurt others – especially non-consensual and/or permanent harm. So, I’m fine with someone being a gift giver, but not when the neg guy has stated he wants to stay neg and takes steps to try to stay that way. Or a guy can fantasize about stealthing all he wants, but my moderators and I try to keep real-life stealthing off Breeding Zone.

And yes, I have other things going on in my life to the point that I value my privacy. I wish the world didn’t stigmatize porn, other forms of sex work, being HIV+, etc. – and I literally work to break down those stigmas all the time, but there’s still plenty of stigma out there. So no, it’s not OK to “out” me just because you don’t approve of every little thing I do. That’s not what this industry stands for, and doing so doesn’t make the world a better place. Discuss my ideas, not my mother’s maiden name.

I was chatting with a porn producer the other day on Skype and he told me that doing breeding videos with internal cumshots, was nearly impossible because so many of the porn stars these days inject trimix, and 80% of the guys who inject can’t manage to cum when they’re fucking – they have to pull out and jack off to cum! (Which is sorta sad, IMHO). So I asked another (well-known) producer and he hadn’t thought about it, but as he thought it over he thought it was probably true.

I’ve noticed that trimix is sorta taking over porn. When one studio shot at my house the producer offered all the models an injection of trimix before they started. And in some of the other scenes I’ve watched the more “professional” porn stars (aka full-time escort tops), bring their own needles and trimix to the shoot. Yes, they had rock hard cocks for hours, but losing the ability to cum makes me wonder…

I know there are times when I wish I could stay hard for hours – namely when I go to sex parties. I’ve thought of talking to my doctor about it, but I hate needles. I used to actually blackout when I got injections. I’m better, but can’t really look at the needle when they’re doing things like drawing my blood. So I doubt it would be a good idea for me to stick a needle in my cock at the beginning of a sex party. [It also explains one of the many reasons why I’m not an IV drug user.]

However, I’m thinking of talking to my doctor about Muse when I go in for my quarterly PrEP check-up in a couple weeks. Muse is a suppository you put up your urethra. It’s more or less the predecessor to trimix – not quite as effective, and doesn’t require injection. Not sure if it causes the same problems with cumming like trimix, but at sex parties it’s fun just to see how many guys you can get your dick in. Cumming is optional (though nice).

So next time you see a breeding video with internal cumshots – give those tops a bit more  respect. They’re doing something most porn stars can’t do.

I knew going into last year that it would be a slow year sexually, and it was. I only gave 29 loads. 21 of those loads were given to guys I’d never fucked before (or don’t remember fucking – lol). I fucked holes 41 times, so that’s a failure rate of 29%, but realize those failures include things like fucking guys at bars when I’m a little drunk, and times when I encountered a dirty ass (which tends to end things rather abruptly).

But that’s not the worst year. In 2011 I only gave 23 loads and in 2006 & 2007 I was lower as well – 21 and 24 loads, respectively. I mean a really good year for me is 50-70 loads. So I hit half that mark.

Even though the circumstances of this year will be a lot like last year, my resolution is to improve things substantially over last year. I want to go to at least one sex party or bathhouse every week. I know there will be weeks when that’s impossible, so if I miss a week, then I need to catch up over the next week or two.

But the biggest resolution is to only cum when I’m fucking someone. I’ve tried that one before and failed pretty quickly, but gonna try it again. One way I’m modifying it is that if I’m unable to have sex (sick, recovering from an STD, etc.) then I’m going to allow myself to jack off into a condom and freeze it. (Never say rawTOP is against condoms – they’re great for storing cum, and are even decent cock rings if you break out the end. I just don’t see the point of fucking with one.) That’s going to be the hardest resolution to keep since I’ve been jacking off a lot this past year.

So far this year has started off really well and really poorly. I went out of town and visited bathhouses and bars with backrooms. Then I continued that when I got back to NY and went to CumUnion last night. It was a raw top’s wet dream. I fucked 17 guys, and could easily have fucked twice that many if my dick had been up to the task. I saw only one top rubber up the entire time, and another one ask a bottom if it was OK (and got refused). EVERYONE was taking raw dick – at least it seemed that way. You could just pull out and stick it in the next waiting hole. BUT I didn’t cum. I might have been able to early on, but if I had done that I would have lost my sexual mojo and not been able to fuck as many guys. As it was I only lasted 3 1/2 hours and I skipped the last 2 hours of the party. I think I could have fucked 50 guys if I had injected trimix at the beginning of the night (but I hate needles).

Then I went to the Eagle and this bottom bent over to suck the dick of a guy near me and had his ass up in the air. So I spit on my dick and shoved in making that the 18th hole of the night. I was actually surprised I could fuck when I was drinking, but I did pretty well at it. Security was light last night, so I was able to fuck for a while right out in the open (across from the 2nd floor bar – if you know the space).

The problem is, I had been wondering since Thursday if I had an STD. There were moments where my dick didn’t feel quite right, and there were times when it would burn when I pissed. But not all the time. Since there was no discharge I was hoping it wasn’t an STD, so this morning I went to the Saturday drop-in STD clinic at Callen-Lorde to get it checked out. There was no discharge when I woke up in the morning, but when I pulled down my pants for the doctor my PA hole was filled with a thick yellowy-green puss. The doctor didn’t quite understand Prince Alberts and was confused why there was puss there (lol), but that clearly indicated I have gonorrhea. So, I was treated on the spot.

So, if you were one of the 18 guys I fucked last night, or even one of the guys who sucked my dick – go get checked out. (Sorry).

This means I’m now in the capture-the-load phase since I can’t fuck for a little while. I assume freezing the cum kills the gonorrhea. But honestly I haven’t been all that horny today, and I’ll try not to jack off too much this week, but it’s already a 4 day load, so I’m gonna have to jack off at some point.