I knew going into last year that it would be a slow year sexually, and it was. I only gave 29 loads. 21 of those loads were given to guys I’d never fucked before (or don’t remember fucking – lol). I fucked holes 41 times, so that’s a failure rate of 29%, but realize those failures include things like fucking guys at bars when I’m a little drunk, and times when I encountered a dirty ass (which tends to end things rather abruptly).

But that’s not the worst year. In 2011 I only gave 23 loads and in 2006 & 2007 I was lower as well – 21 and 24 loads, respectively. I mean a really good year for me is 50-70 loads. So I hit half that mark.

Even though the circumstances of this year will be a lot like last year, my resolution is to improve things substantially over last year. I want to go to at least one sex party or bathhouse every week. I know there will be weeks when that’s impossible, so if I miss a week, then I need to catch up over the next week or two.

But the biggest resolution is to only cum when I’m fucking someone. I’ve tried that one before and failed pretty quickly, but gonna try it again. One way I’m modifying it is that if I’m unable to have sex (sick, recovering from an STD, etc.) then I’m going to allow myself to jack off into a condom and freeze it. (Never say rawTOP is against condoms – they’re great for storing cum, and are even decent cock rings if you break out the end. I just don’t see the point of fucking with one.) That’s going to be the hardest resolution to keep since I’ve been jacking off a lot this past year.

So far this year has started off really well and really poorly. I went out of town and visited bathhouses and bars with backrooms. Then I continued that when I got back to NY and went to CumUnion last night. It was a raw top’s wet dream. I fucked 17 guys, and could easily have fucked twice that many if my dick had been up to the task. I saw only one top rubber up the entire time, and another one ask a bottom if it was OK (and got refused). EVERYONE was taking raw dick – at least it seemed that way. You could just pull out and stick it in the next waiting hole. BUT I didn’t cum. I might have been able to early on, but if I had done that I would have lost my sexual mojo and not been able to fuck as many guys. As it was I only lasted 3 1/2 hours and I skipped the last 2 hours of the party. I think I could have fucked 50 guys if I had injected trimix at the beginning of the night (but I hate needles).

Then I went to the Eagle and this bottom bent over to suck the dick of a guy near me and had his ass up in the air. So I spit on my dick and shoved in making that the 18th hole of the night. I was actually surprised I could fuck when I was drinking, but I did pretty well at it. Security was light last night, so I was able to fuck for a while right out in the open (across from the 2nd floor bar – if you know the space).

The problem is, I had been wondering since Thursday if I had an STD. There were moments where my dick didn’t feel quite right, and there were times when it would burn when I pissed. But not all the time. Since there was no discharge I was hoping it wasn’t an STD, so this morning I went to the Saturday drop-in STD clinic at Callen-Lorde to get it checked out. There was no discharge when I woke up in the morning, but when I pulled down my pants for the doctor my PA hole was filled with a thick yellowy-green puss. The doctor didn’t quite understand Prince Alberts and was confused why there was puss there (lol), but that clearly indicated I have gonorrhea. So, I was treated on the spot.

So, if you were one of the 18 guys I fucked last night, or even one of the guys who sucked my dick – go get checked out. (Sorry).

This means I’m now in the capture-the-load phase since I can’t fuck for a little while. I assume freezing the cum kills the gonorrhea. But honestly I haven’t been all that horny today, and I’ll try not to jack off too much this week, but it’s already a 4 day load, so I’m gonna have to jack off at some point.

The folks who are doing the study at Columbia University never called me back.  🙁  The more I thought about it the less enthusiastic I was about being in a study anyway – I want more control over how I take PrEP. So I went to see my doctor today. Actually he was a new doctor – the nurse practitioner I had been seeing was leaving, so I needed to change to someone else. This new guy was pretty decent when we discussed PrEP. I’ll be his 3rd patient to go on it.

One thing that surprised me a little was how resistant he was to any option other than taking PrEP daily. He was adamant that it wasn’t proven effective for anything other than daily use. That’s the treatment plan the FDA has approved and the only one he wanted me to consider. It didn’t seem like he was aware of the study that showed decent efficacy when taken 4x/week.

I’m seeing him again in a little under 3 months (checkups every three months are required when you’re on PrEP), so during that time I’ll do my own research and see what’s actually been empirically proven when it comes to efficacy of less than daily usage. If I find a source I trust more than my doctor, then I’ll consider doing something other than the daily plan he’s recommending. Though I’ll probably do as he asks at least until I see him next. In the meantime I’m mailing him a copy of the study… Maybe he’ll soften his position a little – we’ll see.

I’ve sent an email to the guy up in Boston that the Maverick Men guys mentioned who apparently is actively doing research on PrEP. I’ll see what he says (and what his qualifications are).

Anyway, the prescription for Truvada has been faxed off to the mail order pharmacy my plan uses for reoccurring/major prescriptions. I should have my pills in a few days.

And oh yeah… They gave me yet another HIV test – just the regular rapid test – not an RNA test. And I was wrong in my previous post – the regular tests are fine when you’re on PrEP – though they may not catch a recent infection which would be bad if you’re going on and off and not taking PrEP daily. If you don’t catch HIV infection quickly you could become resistant to the two drugs in Truvada.

Three and a half years ago when I first heard of PrEP I had an almost visceral negative reaction to it. I mean I really hated the idea on a number of levels. And when the issue came up on Breeding Zone (my forum site) a year later I was still really opposed to it. And then it came up on the forum a year after that and I went on a bit of a tirade against it. In one of the discussions on Breeding Zone a while back the guys raised points that made me realize some of what I thought about PrEP might not be quite right. And over the last few weeks I’ve learned additional stuff that’s changed my thinking on PrEP to the point where I’m actually considering going on it. That’s a huge change for me. So you’re probably wondering what’s changed…

But first… if you’re not sure what PrEP is, it boils down to HIV negative guys taking Truvada (an combination HIV drug) in order to avoid getting HIV. The idea is that drugs that can control HIV in poz guys can ward off HIV in negative guys when they’re exposed to HIV.

When I first criticized PrEP I didn’t really think things through completely. One of my mantras was “what’s the point of going on meds for the rest of your life in order to avoid going on meds for the rest of your life?” And, related to that, I figured that a person on PrEP could become meds resistant if they didn’t take their PrEP consistently – since that’s the case with poz guys who aren’t consistent with taking their meds. But I had that all wrong. It’s not that your body becomes meds resistant – it’s that the HIV in your body becomes meds resistant. If you’re neg you don’t have HIV in your body, so you can’t become meds resistant (though more on that in a moment). Because meds resistance isn’t a big issue, that means neg guys can have a very different relationship with HIV meds than poz guys. Neg guys can go on and off meds. For example, if you’re going on vacation with your mother and you know you won’t have sex during that time, then it’s OK to go off PrEP while you’re on vacation…

The potential for intermittent PrEP use was probably the biggest factor in my change in thinking. For 20+ years I had doctors tell me I had a brain tumor (when I actually had a scar), and those same doctors told me because I had a brain tumor I needed to be on Dilantin – an anti-seizure medication that’s been around for over 100 years. The side effects of Dilantin are very well known and even when I started having problems with my gums they wanted to keep me on the meds. My neurologist (who was very senior at an incredibly well respected cancer hospital) said if I wanted to go off the meds then I needed to find another doctor (which is exactly what I did). Unfortunately, I no longer trust doctors as a result of that, and a few other, experiences. (Doctors now have to earn my trust).

Point is, I’m overly sensitive to doctors telling me to go on meds for the rest of my life. Most meds have side effects and I’d rather just not go there. When I thought PrEP meant daily mandatory meds for decades that just rubbed me the wrong way. It seemed like a scheme by the drug companies to pad their profit margins. Now that I see PrEP can be somewhat intermittent that changes things drastically. Side effects from medications are generally less of an issue when the doses are lower and the meds aren’t taken every day.

So last week it started sinking in that I was wrong on some fundamental points about PrEP and I started wondering whether I should go on it. After all, if I’m honest with myself, I’ve got maybe 10 more years of an active sex life after which things are going to start slowing down considerably. 10 years of intermittent PrEP seems a lot better than the maybe 35 or 40 years of daily HIV meds if I become poz. [Note, if you’re an 18 year old those numbers will be very different. So each person has to decide whether PrEP makes sense for them personally.] My boyfriend and I went to Callen-Lorde for STD tests on Saturday and my bf talked to his care provider about PrEP for me and came out with some flyers for studies. I started thinking that I would indeed go on PrEP.

Then yesterday I started validating what I had heard through the grapevine and the numbers didn’t match. The study that the CDC references for gay men on PrEP showed that PrEP was only 42 to 44% effective. I had heard people throwing around efficacy numbers in the high 90s. So my initial reaction was WTF? I started doubting what I had heard and started going back to my “this is rubbish” stance. Some of what I had heard was from my friend who had talked to the guys from Maverick Men. [Just for visual interest, here’s a pic of one of the Maverick Men guys in action…]

When I drew the Maverick Men guys into a discussion on Twitter they were kind enough to give me links to more detailed analyses of the study data.

Apparently the 44% is low because some of the guys in the study weren’t taking their meds like they said they were. Only 3 of the 34 guys who converted during the study had meds in their system when they came in with signs of initial HIV infection. [If you’ve taken the meds in the last 7 to 14 days the meds should show up in your blood.] That means 90% of the guys who got pozzed while “on PrEP” weren’t actually taking their meds and hence couldn’t really be considered “on PrEP”.

When the researchers did models that factored all of that into consideration they concluded that if you take PrEP twice a week you’ll have 76% protection (with the bottom of the 90% confidence interval being 56% protection). If you take it basically every other day you’ll have 96% protection (with the bottom of the 90% confidence interval being 90% protection), and if you take it every day you’ll have 99% protection (with the bottom of the 90% confidence interval being 96% protection). If you want to see a summary of the study look at this PDF (particularly page 11). And if you want to see the full study, look at this PDF. [There are now studies underway to validate and replicate those numbers.]

Of those options – every other day sounds pretty good to me. I’m willing to sacrifice a little efficacy for fewer side effects from the meds. After all condoms are only about 90-95% effective – so that seems like a reasonable benchmark to me. But if people want more protection then they can go with daily meds. And if they want even more they can do daily meds plus condoms and/or closely screening their sexual partners (which is what the Maverick Men guys are doing). Personally, I don’t mind a little risk in my life, but each person is different.

Now, I mentioned that things weren’t quite clear cut on meds resistance. The issue is that, of the guys who converted in the study, a fair number of them did become meds resistant to Truvada. The bottom line is that if you go on PrEP you have to take it seriously, and you need to be regularly checked by your doctor to see if you’ve become poz (among other things). And realize, if you have Truvada in your system those at home HIV tests won’t work – you have to see a doctor for an accurate HIV test. [I was wrong when I first wrote that last sentence. However, if you take PrEP intermittently and you become poz you could become drug resistant. An RNA HIV test can detect infection more quickly and is more likely to help you avoid drug resistance.]

So there we have it… Who’d have figured, but I’m actually looking into going on PrEP. Apparently you can just have a doctor write a script for it – insurance companies can’t tell the difference between Truvada for HIV treatment and Truvada for PrEP. Or you can join a study – there are several under way. I’ve made a call to the the one being run by Columbia University and some other sites (Adapt – HPTN 067). I’m waiting to hear back from them.

And before I decided to look into doing PrEP the first question for me was whether I was still neg. After all, that is the #1 requirement for going on PrEP. I didn’t get a test on Saturday ’cause I had done an at-home test on March 6th – I didn’t think it was necessary. But I was a bit of a whore a couple weekends in March, so I did another home test today and it came back neg (see pic to the right). Those slutty weekends were 3 and 6 weeks ago, and while I’ve been sick a lot since then it hasn’t been with “flu like” symptoms, so the test is most likely correct – though it would probably be smart to do an RNA test before I start PrEP.

I’ll give updates on what happens as I try to get into the Adapt trial (or, if that fails, when I get a doctor to prescribe Truvada).

I’ve been in a really melancholy mood lately. Nothing is wrong, I just feel like I want to get work done and be quiet and by myself most of the time. I haven’t been hooking up as much lately, but I’m still hooking up every now and then… I thought I’d quickly relate the last two hookups that didn’t go so well, and then add a third in for good measure (since two strikes doesn’t make as much sense)…

So the theme here is hot guys who don’t manage to get me off…

First up is Jayson Park… Jayson is really pretty hot – he’s got pretty much an ideal body – he’s thin/lean with decent definition, and he’s an eager bottom… Should get me off right? Well, I fucked him, and fucked him, and fucked him. Overheated and had to stop several times, but even though I hadn’t cum in something like 4 or 5 days, I just couldn’t cum with him. It’s happened before with him. In fact more than half the times I’ve fucked him I haven’t been able to cum. It doesn’t make sense – he’s totally my type – but it just doesn’t work out (most of the time).

I did get a whole bunch of video out of it… Here’s a pic from the video…

One thing I realized (not sure why it took me so long to fully realize it) – is that Jayson is a pretty dominant bottom. He’s definitely not submissive. I mean he tries to get into a submissive mindset sometimes – but it’s work for him. Being the dominant top I am I wanted to make him submit, so I blindfolded him and put on restraints and locked his wrists together. I knew he wouldn’t go for more than that – even that was stretching it a bit for him…

Not sure if you can tell all that well by looking at that pic – but I’ve lost a fair amount of weight. I’m a little surprised it looks like I have such a belly in that pic – when I stand up straight it’s not so pronounced. But that’s still a lot thinner than I was 6 or 12 months ago. The holidays (and my melancholy mood) are kicking my butt when it comes to weight loss. Right now I’m just trying to not gain weight. I’ll try getting back to weight loss again next year.

That was actually almost two months ago now. Then there were the latest two hookups – again with hot guys, but I didn’t get off…

First was a couple of weeks ago now – a black guy who I’ve been wanting to fuck for probably a year or more now. We used to live a few blocks from each other but timing always sucked. Anyway, he came over for a quickie on his way to work. I was surprised he was so tall, but otherwise he was pretty much what I was expecting. GREAT body. Eager to get fucked. But once again he was sort of a dominant bottom. He kept trying to call the shots. At one point I was in a groove and he started bouncing up and down – for god’s sakes – why do bottoms do that? I had to tell him to stop and lay still… Anyway I was turned on but couldn’t cum. He jacked off and then ran off to work (he was late).

Then the last guy was a week ago. On paper he’s not quite my type – but I still found him incredibly hot. He was this hairy, tattooed little muscle bear. His hair was so thick you couldn’t see some of his tattoos clearly. Just that day I had gotten an Oxballs Pig Hole, and when I realized his hole wasn’t rubbing my dick quite right and his hole was semi-loose I figured I’d try it out on him. Problem was the Pig Hole felt too much like wearing a rubber. It didn’t have enough lube inside so it felt dry and uncomfortable. I gave him a good long fuck, and later took out the Pig Hole and kept trying, but never could cum with him.

The only thing I really found wrong with that guy was that he was a heavy smoker. To a point the muskiness of it was a turn on, but at other times it was a bit too much. If I were a bottom I could see getting fucked by him – he had that sort of vibe about him. And at the end he was even admiring my ass – wanting to fuck me…

So now the “out” part… For a couple days I’ve felt a “sensation” now and again but didn’t think anything of it. Then last night I noticed discharge. UGH… I didn’t get a chance today, but tomorrow morning I’ll run to the STD clinic and get treated. So I’m out of commission for the next week. In a way it’s decent timing since I’ve got a busy next week…

The weird part was that I told the furry guy about it – going as far as saying that I suspected I got it from him since the timing was right and I haven’t been fucking much. His responses seemed appropriate, etc. though I found it odd that it seemed like he was always online… He knew he had been at least exposed to an STD and yet he was still looking to hookup with guys. Then as soon as I had read his second reply he blocked me before I could reply. I really have no clue what’s up with him, but I’m not sure I’d want to hookup with him again anyway. I prefer guys who are a bit more conservative about STDs.

Speaking of STDs, there’s an eBook out now that supposedly tells you all natural things you can take/eat that makes you immune to STDs. Apparently they’ve found breast milk and some other stuff actually kill STDs and so they go into stuff (other than breast milk) that can also kill STDs. It’s put out by straight guys and the sales pitch is incredibly gimmicky, but I think I’ll give it a try. With MAL coming up I could use some STD protection. And by the end of MAL I’ll know if it works or not.

A couple months ago I had a weird illness. I’m guessing gastroenteritis but it felt like my whole body was shutting down. My best friend was pretty convinced it was fuck flu so lately when I’ve been going to pharmacies I’ve been looking to see if they have the OraQuick at home HIV tests. Well, the pharmacy I went to today did have it, so I bought it and did the test. Here’s the result…

That’s the instruction booklet on the left and the test stick in it’s little container of fluid on the right.

One line = neg.

It would have been weird if I had converted. My risk profile has been pretty much consistent. Yeah, one of my regular fuck buddies is poz and not on meds – but he’s a long-term non-progressor and his viral load isn’t all that high.

I’m sure one of these days I’ll test poz. I’m OK with that. But for now, I’m still neg…

There are two fucks I need to write up – one of  which was the hottest ass I’ve fucked in a while. And in an hour Jayson Park is coming over to film a fuck scene with me… So I’m a little behind on my posts… Sorry about that. Will try to catch up soon, but I’ve been in a pretty mellow mood lately…

Monday morning I woke up and went to the bathroom to take a piss. As I was pissing there pain for a second and then things were normal. I thought, WTF? So I looked at my dick and saw some “crusties” on my Prince Albert. That’s never a good sign. That day Jayson Park hit me up to come over the next day and film me fucking him. I told him that might not be possible since there was a chance I had gonorrhea. I’ve also had similar symptoms from the PA just getting in a bad position overnight (since I sleep on my belly). It’ll get irritated and then have to heal.

There were no other symptoms the rest of the day so I was starting to think I was in the clear, but then… Tuesday when I woke up I had to run to the bathroom to take a shit and I forgot to check my dick before I sat down and started pissing. Afterwards I looked and there were a few “crusties” built up on my PA, so I called things off with Jayson – two days in a row wasn’t good. But again there were no symptoms the rest of the day.

Wednesday I took a good look before taking a piss and there was goopy thick yellowish discharge in my urethra. That settled it – I knew for sure I had gono. At 8:30 I called Callen-Lorde (the gay health clinic) and they said their first STD appointment was on Monday (WTF?!?!). They suggested I come into the Saturday drop-in clinic. Ummm… That’s 3 days away. I wanted to get treated sooner than that.

So I spent the next hour or so texting my recent tricks. I told the little skinny kid, the black fuck bud, plus the guy who tagged him with me. It’s weird, I always tell my tricks when I get something. But I can’t remember the last time someone told me. Maybe it’s just easier for a top to figure out he’s got a problem.

Today I went to one of the Department of Health’s STD clinics. I had only ever been to one before a long time ago and was expecting the worst. I went to the one in Manhattanville (125th on the 1 train – the neighborhood Columbia University sorta took over via eminent domain). I was expecting to be there all day and have anti-gay people asking me questions. Honestly it wasn’t all that bad…

There was almost no one there. The only problem was DOH officials came to do “a training” with the doctors at just the wrong time. One was on lunch and they took 20+ minutes with the other doctor when I was next in line to see her. I it hadn’t been for that I would have been in and out of there as quickly as I could have hoped.

The only bad thing that happened was the doctor was a little judgmental when she asked how many people I had sex with in the past 3 months. I pulled 20 out of thin air, and she seemed shocked and mortified. Looking at my spreadsheet, he real number is 23 hookups with 20 different guys – so I was actually spot on. I said “well, maybe the number was closer to 15” to make her feel better – but it didn’t seem to work. She was rather incredulous that my last test was negative saying something about me being high risk. At that point I stopped and told her I really wasn’t high risk – at least not for HIV. What I do is only slightly more risky than what safe sex bottoms do. When I said, “look, the CDC has released the numbers on this stuff – given what you do all day, you should understand relative risk levels”. She did not like me being an assertive dom top and started arguing with me – saying it was her job to read certain questions. To which I replied, yes, but I don’t need the commentary and judgments. “I’m not being judgmental” she replied. That went in a circular argument for a minute or two at which point I just stopped it and said “Can we get back to the questions?” She was much more polite and friendly after that and knew not to fuck with me. At one point she said something like “so if I want you to see a counselor, you’d say ‘no’, right?” Hopefully I’ll get a note on my record chart that says “just stick to the questions”. Apparently I have one like that at Callen-Lorde too.

I mean seriously… I went through the AIDS crisis. I cared for a lover who died of AIDS. I’ve thought about these issues a lot. Respect my informed decisions. It’s my body. As things were wrapping up I apologized and said I have a long history with some of “the best” doctors telling me to do things which in hindsight were poor medical decisions for me. Unfortunately that means I have a rather adversarial relationships with doctors until I know them and trust them.

Anyway, today the discharge isn’t just in the morning – it’s pretty constant. I just snapped a pic of my dick – this is the hole of my Prince Albert oozing yellow discharge (lovely, eh?)

When she saw that she was pretty certain I had gono, but treated me for chlamydia as well.

BTW, as I was leaving she told me I should tell all my partners for the past 90 days. Again she’s wrong – the NIH says it can take up to a month to develop symptoms. Why she tripled that number, I don’t know. Can’t these people read the literature on what’s supposed to be their specialty.

Anyway, there was a point to all of this that’s gotten lost in the drama of the test…

I always take STDs seriously. There are a few crazies on Breeding Zone who disturb me greatly because they get into spreading STDs (other than HIV). That’s just fucked up. I let them post in part so other people will be aware that they exist. If someone hits you up wanting to hookup and you see they’re posting saying how hot STDs are, you’re gonna think twice…

Right now gonorrhea in particular is quite worrisome. There’s a strain going around that only responds to one type of treatment. Once it mutates and is resistant to the one treatment that’s available we’re sorta fucked – there will be incurable gonorrhea on the loose.

What’s curious is that the DOH didn’t give me the treatment for the new strain of gonorrhea. They gave me two Azithromycin plus a shot of something. I guess the City doesn’t want to pay for anything other than generic drugs unless they have to. They even handed me a survey when I got there asking how I’d feel if they started charging for their services – which is pretty absurd since it’s in taxpayer’s best interests if clinics like theirs are available for easy, free treatment of STDs. But the same thing could be said of all healthcare I guess. So I’m guessing if I have the type of strain that doesn’t respond to conventional meds, I’ll get a call and be asked to come in. But I should know pretty soon – usually things dry up in a day or so. If that doesn’t happen I’ll know I have the bad strain even before they call.

So if you even suspect you have an STD, go get tested. “What goes around comes around” is absolutely the case here. The more aggressive we are getting rid of STDs, the fewer we’ll get. And if you have a lot of sex (especially as a bottom who takes loads), have regular STD checks every 3-6 months depending on how active you are.

This means I’m out of commission sexually for another week. Next time I’ll be able to fuck is next Thursday. In the meantime I’ve given myself permission to jack off until Monday. Then I’ll go back to my “all loads go in an ass” policy.