Wow… Haven’t had a post like this one in a while. Back when I started the blog it was really introspective. Unfortunately I lost a lot of those posts when I did a stupid mistake when migrating the blog off blogspot.com… This is another one of those introspective posts – haven’t done one of them in a while…

I ran into the guy who I was hanging around last night. He and his friends were looking around the leather mart… Anyway, we started talking, then went up to their room where a half dozen of us were drinking (from a big bottle of Captain Morgan). When they went downstairs to the bar I wanted to put my camera I away, so he and I went to my room. When we got there we started fooling around. Thing was I just wasn’t all that into it. I was in a mellow mood, and not particularly horny, plus he’s not really my type…

I’ll skip most of the details, but suffice it to say that we played around a little, I tried, but the more I did the less I wanted to do. My dick was getting smaller by the minute…

Thing was, he was drunk and horny. He was having a great time and I don’t think he really sensed that the situation was going bad for me quickly. Then he reached for his drink and managed to spill some of it. I was laying down, face up, and he was straddling me. I wanted to get up to get the towel and he didn’t want to let me up. That was it – I pushed him to get him off me (not too hard), and he still didn’t get the hint. Finally I just said, “Would you leave?” I didn’t want take it to that but what were my choices? He was a messy drunk who had a little too much “captain in him” (actually way more than a little too much).

The thing that flashed through my mind was when I used to escort. There were times when I didn’t like the client, or didn’t like the scene, but I was a good escort and pretended to be enjoying myself so I’d get paid. Suddenly with this guy I felt like I was back in those days where I was pretending to like what was happening to keep him happy. But it’s not like I was getting paid, so what’s the point?

It was actually a really deep emotion all this brought up – not just as simple as feeling like a hooker. I started escorting a year after my first sexual experience, before I really figured out who I was sexually. I have nothing against escorting. If I had it to do all over again I’d probably still want to do some escorting – but would have done it a little later (or better yet, started sex earlier).

But escorting damaged me a bit sexually – that much I know. After it ended I was in a comfortable relationship that was minimally sexual, and after that relationship is when I really figured out what I felt comfortable with was being a top…

The thing I think I realized tonight was that the whole power-and-control aspect of how I have sex, and even being a top, and having short well-defined hookups, probably all stems from escorting. Put another way, I need to be in control because I hate not feeling in control in a sexual encounter, but at the same time I need the bottom to want me to fuck them – I need eagerness. Having been the one who pretended to be enjoying themselves, I don’t want a bottom to have to do that with me. As a result, acting out rape fantasies does nothing for me. I may jack off to them, but in real-life I need the bottom to want it.

And on top of everything else, I just realized that because I was spending time with him I forgot that the big IML contest was on and I missed it… UGH!!! That was one of the things I really wanted to do while I was here and now all the contest activities are over…

Now I have to get myself back in the mood to hookup. This is the last big night of IML (tomorrow will be quieter) and I want tonight to go better than last night.