Using Holes…
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6 December 2009 | 11 Comments
A guy just wrote me the following letter. Thought I’d share it..
First off… Big fan of your Porn work. I would always search your name in my favorite search engines. But then I ran across your personal web page and started to read your personal blog page… I know that what you are talking about doesn’t always show all the aspects of you… meaning that in the context of what you are talking about(or selling/advertising), doesn’t necessarily show the “real” you, I was however,disappointed.When I looked at you, I saw a caring, responsible, loving person, characteristics that your blog doesn’t portray. I hope that you are more then what your blog portrays you as, ( an uncaring, selfish lover, only interested in his on satisfaction). In the real world, we as gay men want a satisfying sex life, along side a satisfying LIFE as whole, coming home to someone that loves you, not any “hole” that you can “fill up” and then send on his way. As a professional in the Medical business,( a mental health therapist), I can tell you that the “holes” that you are “filling up”, are actually lonely human beings looking for companionship anyway that they can, and feel that the only possible way to do this, if only for a short while, is with their ass in the air waiting for you to fill up, not only their asshole, but also the hole that they have inside themselves trying desperately to fill. But sadly, after you are through with them, it leaves them with only a bigger hole to fill the next time.
I hope that you take this into consideration when looking for you next “hole” to fill.
My response to him was this…
It’s not my job to fix the emotional problems of the bottoms I fuck. It sounds like you want me to form relationships and deep bonds with the bottoms I fuck. I’ve got a boyfriend and if I were putting my emotional energy into what you’re asking it would threaten the relationship with him. That’s not going to happen. When I fuck a bottom it’s no strings attached. In most cases I do cuddle with the bottoms afterwards, but chances are it’s just going to be a one time hookup. And I do mention cuddling and talking with the bottoms in my blog.The “empty holes” you’re talking about need meaningful friends. They need boyfriends. While I’m a firm believer that you can find those by having sex (I met my bf in a bathhouse and we’re still together 12 years later), finding friends shouldn’t be the the reason someone has sex. The people who try to find friends in sex often wind up in the PNP crowd and destroy their lives in the process.
So don’t lecture me about how I act towards the bottoms I fuck. Their problems aren’t going to be fixed through sex. They’ll be fixed by going out and spending quality time with friends, and by finding a boyfriend. I’m guessing the people you’re talking about are picky and have passed on many guys who would be really great boyfriends. And then when they find one it’s either the wrong type (someone who’s abusive), or they don’t know how to compromise and lose him… None of that is a sexual problem.
Let me make something really really clear… If you’re one of those holes he’s describing – ask yourself why you’re lonely. Choose to fix the problem. Go out and get involved with something and make some friends. Play a sport, sing in a choir, join an S/M group – whatever… And then give your friends the attention it takes to maintain the friendship. If you’ve got friends and don’t like coming home to an empty apartment/house – get a dog (and give it the attention it needs).
And if you find a boyfriend, treat him well and learn to compromise. When you feel like breaking up ask yourself what percentage of the relationship works. No relationship is perfect – if you dwell on what’s wrong, you will break up. Concentrate on what’s right. If what’s right isn’t enough, and you’re honestly not looking for perfection, then that’s a decent reason to break up. Or if there are serious issues like the guy being genuinely abusive – then leave (quickly). But I honestly think the reason why I’m still with my bf 12 years later is because we put up with each other. Overall we’ve got a great relationship, but there are times when we have big problems and little things that irritate each of us – but we put up with the things we don’t like and get back to what’s right – that’s why we’re still together.
Now, if you’re a “hole” then something in you likes the sex. You’ll definitely want to find someone who’s OK with random, no strings attached sex. Monogamy is probably a really bad idea in your case. Sexually, your boyfriend should get off seeing you get fucked or when he discovers someone else’s cum in your ass… I think sluts think they can’t have boyfriends. I’ve never understood that – what good top wouldn’t want to find his boyfriend’s ass is prelubed with someone else’s cum?
And for god’s sake – just because you’re a sub bottom doesn’t mean you have to be passive about getting into a relationship. Even subs can communicate what they want… “I’d love to stay here and have you fuck me all night”, “I’ll do anything you want Sir – if you want other guys to fuck me, I’m OK with that”, “You can call me anytime – I want as many loads from you as possible”… And if a sub can communicate what they want, then anyone can… Don’t assume you have to let the top take the lead in initiating the relationship – make it clear you’re available and interested (without coming off as too needy or desperate).
Anyway, enough of my soapbox. I know the holes I fuck are real people – but the “empty holes” aren’t going to have the emptiness filled by cum and anonymous sex. That takes real relationships and they take more time than a 15 minute hookup (or even an hour hookup)…
UPDATE:
I’ve corresponded with the guy some more… Turns out he used to be straight – was even married with kids and his boyfriend has “a similar background”. He’s in a pretty small town and has had sex with very few men. So bottom line he has a straight / small town sorta mentality about sex. He doesn’t even know anyone who’s really a cumhole – so his talking about them feeling empty, etc. was all just idle speculation. That sorta explains it, doesn’t it? Amazing how guys like that think they understand things they have no experience with.
Very interesting discussion,some which holds a particular personal interest for myself.
First of all,what constitutes an “uncaring,selfish lover”,is one that will lie and deceive behind their partners back. This does not appear to be the case with Rawtop and his bf. Both seem to have an understanding that apparently works in their relationship,and I applaud them for that.Relationships take on many forms and variations. Yes,many prefer and can only handle a traditional monogamous relationship,but for others,a different arrangement may work out better-as long as it’s a known,accepted
factor between both partners.
I agree with Rawtop in that he is not responsible to fix the emotional issues of those he fucks. If a larger “hole” needs to be filled,then get out and socially address those issues.If you love being a slut,and are happy with that-great. Men can have sex for only the sake of sex-no emotional ties need be present. I believe that is one thing that separates us from women. And as far as women having sex for more emotional reasons-that great as well.Its the balance of the two that many men are faced with including myself.
We all want a meaningful loving relationship that carries us through life. I am no exception. What constitutes that relationship may vary in many ways as there are the number of gay men on this planet. Just because the relationship allows for outside encounters does not mean a loving,caring relationship doesn’t exist between two primary partners. If that’s not your cup of tea,I certainly will respect and understand that.
Face it,sex is fun,it feels good,and it’s a need that as men,we need to fulfill endlessly.If that’s found in a monogamous relationship-I applaud you!!! But please don’t judge others if their lifestyle doesn’t match with yours. Remember,no matter what,it’s about honesty,openness,communication-understanding. Anything less is unacceptable no matter what the relationship is.
My wishes to you Rawtop for another wonderful 12 years!
dave
Fascinating. I’ve always felt that there are many guys out there who fuck total strangers simply because they crave human touch or companionship. That having been said, there are those that do it simply because they’re total cockhounds and some guys were simply born and bred to get seeded and collect loads. Nothing wrong with that. There’s a place for everyone.
@ RT: forgive what I’m about to say. Hope this doesn’t ruin your persona.
@ the man wrote the original letter to RawTop. I met RT this past May and was very impressed with him. Not just his focus and determination but his unique humor and friendship. I assure you, and I’m sure his bf would agree, RT is a very well-rounded person. The holes he fucks are simply that, something to be filled. Having shared one of those holes with him, I feel I can say this: RT you rock!
As one of holes that likes to filled…i cannot agree more with you. I am not lonely or in need of a relationship. I just enjoy taking dick and taking loads. The last thing I want or need is a top that wants to get to know me! Sex is a two-way street and as adults we are all responsible for our own emotional states.
@Rawtop-in response to your response to my initial comment,I hear where you’re coming from. When I read the comment from the guy initially,I felt he was possibly referring to you as “selfish,and uncaring”,and I simply don’t get that from your blog. Michael really puts it in perspective. He seems together and confident,and just happens to enjoy cock and cum in his ass. Nothing wrong with that.
I think its great that you and your BF have passed 12 years.My congrads.The best things in life sometimes take alot of work-but well worth it.I think you’ll agree with that.
I totally agree with you RawTop. Well said.
I fuck quite a few guys on a one time basis, and there are several guys that I started fucking in 2007 and continue doing so. The common denominator in both situations—I know virtually nothing about these men other than their initial profile information, and whatever I learn about them sexually during our hookups.
Don’t know what they’ve been doing before we hookup; don’t know what they go home to; don’t know where they work, what they drive, etc. Could not care less. Has absolutely NO bearing on the reason for our meating. The energy that we share is purely animal, sexual, masculine—I don’t offer comfort for a nagging wife, or an unappreciative bf. Nor do I seek it.
But I do care about them sexually when we’re together. I offer tenderness, responsiveness, passion and uninhibited play (standard limitations–No scat, animals, etc.). I don’t offer mental therapy. The result of my approach is that the emotionally needy and unhealthy people seem to latch on to men other than me, OR at the very least, they leave it outside of my door.
Wow – that guy was reading way too much into a situation that he obviously knows little about. If guys are really looking for more than a fuck they will go find it. That guy needs to give more credit to people than what he does. And I didn’t realize craigslist or other hook up sites were only for the emotionally fragile. 🙁
“Fascinating. I’ve always felt that there are many guys out there who fuck total strangers simply because they crave human touch or companionship.”
@ Ben: I’d rather say they use sex as an addiction to cover up their lack of of human touch or companionship.
That’s why I try to stay away from “holes” that just need a fix. It’s just not worth it. As they say: You get what you give. And to me that should include just basic respect and human kindness. Ironically the hottest sex I had last month wasn’t at one of the bareback parties I went, it was a short hookup with on an industrial lot next to the train station. The guy even made me wear a condom and I had to cover his mouth so his moans wouldn’t attract nearby travellers. It felt so wrong and right at the same time, so very alive compared to some of the cynical cumsluts at the party.
i like your response to that guy, it looks like you were the mental therapist and he was wasnt! haha!
i had this discussion with a friend and she asked me if i look forward to finding love and what not… and reading about the “hole” or “emptiness” in your discussion made me realise that i actually dont have a hole in my approach to life, i say this coz my friend thinks that there is a void in my life or the way i think in terms of how i dont really look at finding love as my top priority! im 21 and now dont focus on even finding a bf… whereas 2 years ago i was. i told my friend that i feel this way because i have different goals from her. then she started saying that maybe its coz i sleep with many guys… which i detest because i havnt actually (well at least this year) it leaves me thinking confused in the sense that when i had wanted a bf i was sleeping with more guys thinking that that was the way to get a bf.. and now that i dont want a bf and i want to have more sex i actually am really judgmental and would not sleep with just anyone for the sake of sex…. in conclusion to keep it short i think this “hole” or void as i would rather prefer to call it is not actually there. I think a person has to look deep within themselves to understand who they really are. That is the only way to get rid of the void or presume there is no void. if you cannot do that then i really feel for you. OUT!