Fear, Loathing, Shame, Self-Hatred & Mason Wyler
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21 August 2010 | 25 Comments
UPDATE: I had an hour long IM chat session with Mason Wyler. It changed my perception of him and I think I understand him a lot better now. Read my write up of the chat…
If you haven’t heard by now, Mason Wyler disclosed this week that he tested HIV+ in May, but he only came out with the news after having his status “outed”. What I’m about to say here is a lot of conjecture, but I’d almost put money on most of it being true…
Let’s go back to October 2008 when Mason posted a blog post with alternate wording to the song “Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer”…
Then all the gay boys hated him
as they shouted out with glee:
“Bobby with your unsafe sex,
you’ll die alone in misery!”
From that post it’s clear Mason looks down on poz guys and apparently thinks barebacking is so awful that barebackers are punished by becoming poz and that they will (or should) die alone in misery. Thing was, even when he wrote that, he was secretly attracted to barebacking. A few months after that post he put up blog posts talking about his attraction to bareback sex and bareback porn and then he’d take them down a little while later apparently out of shame/guilt. [Read more in my blog post back then about Mason’s love/hate relationship with barebacking.]
Now he’s poz and apparently still holds his negative attitude about poz guys. Even the wording of his disclosure shows he feels shame and self-hatred…
I tested positive. I have only myself to blame. I have HIV and it kind of sucks.
“Blame”… There’s no acceptance in that statement – just self-loathing and shame. I mean really, in what way has his life changed? Well, maybe some condom-Nazi studios won’t work with him any more, but other than that, how is his life all that worse now than it was a couple years ago?
And lets not forget – with the amount of sex someone like Mason has, there’s a good chance he got infected through safe sex. He hasn’t revealed details, but safe sex is not safe – it’s just lower risk. Have enough of it and the cumulative risk builds up. If he was fucking a lot with condoms then he could have very well gotten infected that way – which makes his shame all the more sad (potentially).
Then a few days after he disclosed his status he felt the need to clarify things a bit…
I have not gone around fucking, barebacking, or infecting HIV negative people. I am a sex fiend. I am NOT a monster.
So apparently he thinks poz guys who have sex with neg guys are monsters. Interesting choice of words. To be blunt, the poz guys I fuck are anything but monsters. And guys who have bareback sex are consenting adults.
So let’s put things in perspective… First off, he’s a HOT messed up little boy who is listening to all the wrong people. I mentioned he’s hot, right? I mean that is one beautiful poz ass…
But I digress… The issue here is Mason’s fear, loathing, shame and self-hatred. It’s just sad. He’s like this confused messed up little boy. Where did he get the idea poz guys die alone in misery? Really? Who gave him that idea? Probably “Condom Nazis”. And they think barebackers and bareback porn are hurting the gay community. As far as I’m concerned their fear and hatred does more damage to our community than barebacking ever will. Mind you, back in the day there really was something to fear – HIV could kill you in a couple years. But these days I’m more worried when I find out someone is a chain smoker or likes to PNP.
I’m not saying HIV is desirable, instead I’m saying it’s really sad to see someone like Mason hate himself for becoming poz. It’s completely possible he got pozzed by a high-viral load top while he was wearing a condom. Most poz guys are on meds, and it’s safer to bareback with a poz guy who’s on meds than it is to have protected sex with a poz guy who’s not on meds. I don’t get the sense that he has any big picture sorta perspective. It’s like he’s back in the late 80’s and he thinks his life just ended or something.
There’s a reason why I tell guys to accept risks before they take them. If you like taking anonymous loads, just accept the fact that you’ll probably become poz, it’s not the end of the world, and then go on and enjoy your life. I don’t get the sense that Mason is enjoying his life or that he’s accepted and embraced his new status. He loves sex and has only hooked up 3 times since he tested poz in May. For someone like him that’s just horribly wrong. It’s done. It’s over. Move on and make the most of it…
And for god’s sake reject all the negativity and the people who spread it…
I really hope Mason comes to peace with being poz and learns to make the most of it. I would love to see him in some good bareback porn – maybe getting gangbanged by a bunch of poz tops. That’s one video which would be really hot if it included “poz talk” – seeing him get past his fear and really embrace being poz and beg guys to shoot toxic loads in his cunt would be incredible.
I agree totally. But I think most guys probably go thru that feeling Mason is writing about at the beginning of being poz. As u say, it ain’t what it was but it still isn’t something most people want. Usually anything like this goes from anger , “why me” thru to acceptance over time. As much as I agree with ur views I still believe in allowing someone to go thru the natural human emotions lead by fear. That’s understandable atleast. Ultimately he will get over it and move on when he can physically experience the wellness that is very likely in his future. Most of the anger and blaming is just fear at this moment of uncertainty. Like u I hope he does become a hot bb poz bottom in porn 😀 can’t wait for those movies!!!
I actually disagree with your conclusions although I agree with Cristian’s comments about him going through the emotional ‘rollercoaster’ he outlined. I don’t think it’s self-loathing or shame – it’s dealing with major change in his life. As much as anyone knows the risks of bb’ing – when it happens, there’s still a period of ‘adjustment’. In terms of his ‘STOP’ post – that’s nothing to do with what you call, his alleged “hate” of other poz guys or neg guys chasing it, that’s him responding to the crap that is being posted about him which portrays him as a monster. Maybe he shouldn’t care what people say about him but you’ve gotta be pretty hard not to react like he has, when he’s being accused of ridiculous things. I think his reaction has been pretty understandable – when he hasn’t been in control of this ‘news cycle’.
I think, Mason is in the stage where he is trying to figure things out. This is something that takes time. Some guys bounce back and run with it while others slow down a bit. After all, we all had someone to talk to when we came out and thanks to the WWW, finding someone is much easier. Perhaps that is what he needs? I know I did cuz I had the intense pressure of losing everything/one I loved when I opened up about my status.
As for his porn career, bloggers have posted he is stealthing online. This in itself is slander. He should sue but that makes it more public and he is still trying to put his head around the whole thing.
I still wanna know who had the pleasure of tearing his hole up and converting him. Also wanna kno when he will b welcomed onto HDK or TIM?
I think you’re being too hard on him; just seems like he’s overreacting to his status in his own way…
I think Mason has obviously been torn between his internal desires to be a slut, including doing bb, and keeping up a wholesome mid-west boy image (well as wholesome as you can appear to be as a porn star). You can see both sides in his blog and his work. Realize most of middle America from which he and I have come from still sees HIV as a very negative thing and looks down on people who have it. It takes a long time to overcome that and I hope that he will eventually. I, like many, would love to see him step up and become a model of out poz porn stars working for one of the poz friendly studios and hopefully his large following of fans will also see HIV a bit differently because of this.
I don’t think his devastation is due to the negative perceptions of being poz or not thinking through the risks. I think anyone who receives this kind of diagnosis, even if they are perfectly fine with HIV as a “concept,” will be devastated. This is a chronic illness, one that requires medication and maintenance, and even though people manage to live long and healthy lives on the aforementioned medication and maintenance, it does not come without consequences. Even the best medication can have undesirable side effects.
I think he is entitled to feeling however he feels, regardless of how he has felt about HIV in the past.
Although he doesn’t fit into the TIM asthetic I really wish for him to go work there!
What you correctly point out is Masons Self-loathing the over riding characteristic driving the Sex Addict. I know of what I speak a former SA myself. We also tend to be very standoffish from fellow gays something else Mason has admitted. “I have no gay friends” and this year saying he just went to his first Gay Pride.
Seems like a lot of projection. I have no idea how he feels. I’ve only seen a very limited slice of his public life, and I applaud him for disclosing, under duress or not. Maybe we should all be so brave? What’s the big f#@&*ng deal anyway?
Can’t speak for MW, but I do remember that it has felt like I have had a never ending coming out process. First I came out as a gay man, then I came out as a kinky fuk, and then as a POZ cum dump that prefers POZ & anon loadz. It seems as though each one of those things required that I find some way to understand & accept the facts as I knew them and how they applied to me. Then I had to accept that what others thought might not be grounded in fact, but emotion. I had to accept that some who professed to be my friends & even partners might not be there for me once they learned my truth.
Unfortunately I didn’t have a clue that I would need to come out repeatedly. I remember rallying my closest friends and told them individually about each new revelation. Yes rumors spread and continue to do so today. I knot that being able to accept myself as I am has been critical to my emotional well being each time. Had someone else decided to out me as a kinky, twisted fuk or a nasty TOXIC load collector before I had come to terms with either for myself, I am reasonably certain that my coming out process might not have been as smooth as seemed to have been.
I would imagine that MW is as tough as fukkin nails and hopefully in time he will come to accept the new truth about himself.
On a separate note, I’d be soooo fukkin proud to know if it was my strain incubatin inside that HOT FUKHOLE.
I do wish him well.
Rob
Its not self-loathing to be bummed about having a terminal disease. And risk isn’t something cumulative that builds in sex. Each time you fuck with condoms, the risk of HIV transmission is the same for that encounter.
I don’t expect porn actors to be politically correct, heroes for a cause, diplomats or role models. After one becomes POZ we do have our own heroes – guys who have had it for a while and look amazingly hot and studly. That is something within our POZ community to celebrate. It shows that HIV can be treated and men can live out wonderful lives and still be sexy. Outside the POZ community people might look at a handsome guy who is POZ and be turned off just by the fact he is POZ and that’s too bad but hey that’s how it is.
So what?? Is it vengeance or vindication? You won man! Now be humble and gracious that is a strong sexy man.
-Some porn actor wrote some mean stuff- I mean you’re here on a rawtop blog providing a venue for some crazy stuff and exposed – at least hey he had the balls not to hide his identity so we know where he stands. (You have my email so I too have let you know who I am)
Who cares – it’s just one person. People will always have fear and say dumb things. I don’t know if you have noticed in the porn world and in the gay world there is the fact that some people are fucked up in general or on drugs..sometimes… – so grain of salt… this person is of little significance in the grand scheme of things.
@rawtop – I think one point if not the point of the scenario is even if youre fucking alot,if youre using condoms the people youre doing it with use condoms frequently (not necessarily always) as well. Whereas if you fuck bareback alot,the guys youre with are into barebacking ..ergo more “clubs” floating around in that deck. The article you cherry picked from that referenced ARVs/condom use cited a study with hetero couples (one + one-)and it said meds were a safer idea than only condoms because “No doubt this is partly because people sometimes “forget” to use condoms.” So the kid got hiv..shit happens and yes he can lead a healthy and happy life should he choose. But to say its likely he got it through safer sex is a stretch and insinuating that contracting hiv for sexually active people is probable even with condom use is flagrant misinformation.
“I really hope Mason comes to peace with being poz and learns to make the most of it. I would love to see him in some good bareback porn – maybe getting gangbanged by a bunch of poz tops. That’s one video which would be really hot if it included “poz talk” – seeing him get past his fear and really embrace being poz and beg guys to shoot toxic loads in his cunt would be incredible.”
This is your own personal fantasy, and you have every right to articulate it. But seriously, dude, Wyler is a human being with his own set of personal, complex emotions. Wyler said in his own blog that he’s more into the jockish, younger type and except for the fact that he likes bareback his oeuvre is certainly more vanilla than the avery Treasure Island mindfuck type of porn. So his career is certainly gonna change.
So for heaven’s sake let him get to grips with the changes in his life. And while HIV certainly isn’t a death sentence any more, it is a change. Dependency – in this case on medication – means the end to carefreeness, the transition from youth to maturity, although a more sombre kind of maturity than e.g. becoming a father etc..
I pisses me off that all sides try to politicize what for Mason must be a very personal cha(lla)nge. He said that he is “no monster” because of the way he was outed, with some other guy alleging that he intentionally wanted to mislead other guys by saying that he’s neg and underfucked. And now to blame him for reacting to that allegation seems a bit callous to me.
Noone has the right to another person. If Wyler wants to be a poster boy for anything, it is his goddam fucking choice.
Ironically, saying that Wyler is a beautiful peace of “poz ass” isn’t really HIV acceptance, it is fetishization of status. Real acceptance within the gay community means going beyond the virus and actually seing the person. Wyler always came across as quite honest in a predominantly fake environment. In his blog he chronicled his transition from being a safer sex only guy to his fascination with bareback. That openness made him vulnerable, but that also why should be answered with basic human kindness, not preaching.
I wonder if his fake rape allegation was an attempt to pretend he got it from that.
@RawTop. You are wrong about me. Maybe you should have taken the time to read my ENTIRE post from October of 2008. Below the little song was my explanation of the entire post. Try Again.
OH MY GOD. You don’t get it. I was referencing some ridiculous AIDS awareness PSA I saw when I was in junior high. A real one. I basically wanted to make a more forward/gay version to show just how ridiculous those ads were in the late mid to late 90s. Kind of like those annoying SEXTING ads you see on MTV these days. Anywho, it’s hard to explain my personality online through comments/blogs/ and whatever else. You really don’t know me and I suppose it is difficult to grasp who I am through a blog. I’m odd. Just know this. I do have some fear of how being HIV positive will affect my future. I think that’s normal. But I am not ashamed of it and I never thought that HIV positive people were some how less human than anyone else.
Let’s face it – some of this he did for money. He’s finally going bareback… I could smell it comiing a mile away. The setup was a long time coming (I’m safe, don’t bb, etc. etc. – which I doubted anyway). I don’t blame him; there’s a lot of money to be made by taking a guy who’s supposedly clean and wholesome and having him turn into a bonafide bareback slut on camera (look at the way Treasure Island Media stages this – even if it’s unreal). Granted, it’s a little short-sighted (all the studios who won’t hire you if you go raw) but in the short-term, there’s lots of $ to be made. This being said, being poz is not the end of the world. You can choose to take care of yourself from this point forward, and likely live a normal lifespan.
[…] him for a while starting with when he was taking risks early on, to when he first tested poz and I wrote a rather critical piece on his apparent negative attitudes towards poz guys (and now himself) – and then another piece after a long chat with him when I really did start […]