Load 2021-1

It’s almost embarrassing how long it’s been since I’ve had sex. Last time I updated the blog was November 2018. I’ve literally only had sex on 5 different days since then – a few days after that post, then twice about a year later (October/November 2019), then on vacation in February of last year. Then just as I was feeling like getting back in the game, the pandemic hit and I only hooked up once during the pandemic (with a buddy who I knew for certain was playing safe and keeping risk really low – and we hooked up outdoors, at the beach to minimize risk).

As the pandemic hit and then continued I just hunkered down. Vaccines were eventually on the horizon and I didn’t want to be the person who died a week before they could have gotten the vaccine. I had a lover who died of AIDS in 1995 – a year before ARVs came out. I’d learned my lesson my lesson from that. And my caution was warranted – the roommate of a friend got hospitalized and put in the ICU and after a few weeks he died. Tragically, he died four days after he qualified for a vaccine. He was a cute little cub in his mid-30s. It can happen to anyone.

The pandemic explains why I didn’t hookup for the past year. But it doesn’t explain 2018 and 2019. There were a number of factors, but the cumulative effect is that I kinda lost the mojo to be a good top. You need a certain confidence to be a good top (or even a good bottom), and a number of things in my life were interfering with that. Among other things, there were problems with my immediate neighborhood (which at one point escalated to me being assaulted), finding success in work was difficult, and so on… Even Trump’s presidency felt like a downer. Things finally started to change late last year – Trump lost, and the people who were causing problems in the neighborhood were arrested and are now facing 20 to life for drug trafficking. There are still remaining issues in my life, but they’re manageable.

Needless to say I wanted (needed?) life to get back to normal so I was pretty assertive about getting a vaccine. I got my first shot 2 days after I qualified. But I still played it safe, so didn’t really start thinking of hooking up until I was fully vaccinated (2 weeks after my 2nd shot).

I FINALLY had my first hookup yesterday (5 days after being fully vaccinated). I’m so ready to get back into the swing of things that I’ve set a goal to only cum when I fuck, which means ideally I’d hookup every 3-5 days. But the guy yesterday got a 10 day load since I stopped jacking off a few days before I was fully vaccinated and then I’d been busy with other stuff and didn’t manage to hookup the first few days.

Anyway – the hookup… I started looking in the morning but made the mistake of being too picky about distance. I wanted a bottom who’d host, who I could walk to. There were a few guys taking loads but they were all further away. As it got to be mid-afternoon I realized I had spent far too much of the day looking for an ideal hookup and realized I just needed to breed an ass (perfection is the enemy of good). A guy hit me up and said he’d pay for an Uber if I’d come breed him. He had hit me up back in 2017 and 2018 telling me that he wasn’t taking his PrEP consistently and was thinking of converting. But that was 3 and a half years ago and his profile still said “negative, on PreP”. So I knew he had bug chasing tendencies but didn’t know what was real and what was fantasy with him. He wasn’t my “ideal type” but it’s always fun to fuck a bug chaser, and he was just visiting the City so it was now or who knows when – so I said yes. I declined the Uber and rode my bike down to his hotel.

As I walked into the hotel I panicked a little. I wasn’t sure where the elevators were, but finally I spotted them so I got spared the embarrassment of explaining to the staff that I was there for a pump-and-dump with a guy and didn’t know his name. When I got up to his room the door was ajar. I went in, it was actually a small suite. I set down some of my stuff, went to the bathroom to take a piss, and then went into the bedroom where he was on the bed ass up.

I had him get on all fours so I could rim him. His ass was REALLY hairy (he was sorta hairy all over). He had mentioned before I came that his as was cummy, but I couldn’t taste any loads. It would’ve been cool to felch some cum from his ass, but at least his ass was perfectly clean. Woulda been a bummer if I’d gotten a bottom with a dirty hole the first time out after so long.

I fucked him on all fours just briefly and then had him get on his belly. We hadn’t really said anything to each other, but at that point he got really verbal and was literally begging me to give him a toxic load and poz him. He said he wanted me to be the one to make him poz. I honestly believed that’s what he wanted, but who knows what the reality was. Was he neg and on PrEP? Has he been taking his PrEP consistently, or did he go off before traveling to NYC? Or is he poz and just wants to recreate a fantasy pozzing? Or maybe he has no clue what his status is… Still, it’s hot to hear a bottom beg me to knock him up. He’d been talking about it for enough years I knew he really wanted it – even if his PrEP usage wouldn’t let it happen, or it had happened a while ago.

I’m never one for long fucks. I learned a while ago that when I feel ready to cum, I should just do it – because if I wait I may not be able to cum later. And true to form, I didn’t last long – especially with him begging me to poz him. I felt a spurt of cum, then a few seconds later I felt a much bigger spurt. I mean it had been 10 days since I’d cum. It felt like a pretty big load – but not seeing the load, who knows?

I’d been almost completely silent the entire time. It wasn’t really “connected” sex. I needed a hole and he had one to fuck. But I think he really was hoping I’d just pozzed him and he was going to have this wonderful connected moment with his poz daddy. I hadn’t taken off my clothes (other than my jacket), so as I was zipping up he indicated he wanted me to stick around for a moment. I thought he said he wanted to “clean me up”, but then I realized he wanted to jack off with me. I played with his nipples, but they didn’t seem wired to his dick. He wanted to kiss, but between the anonymous nature of it and, ummm…, the pandemic, I dodged that one. I know he wanted more, but I wasn’t really in the headspace for the level of connection he wanted. I could have sucked his dick, but that wasn’t what I was there for, and would have changed the power dynamics between us. I felt a little bad for him in the moment. I was in disconnected mode, and he wanted connected. But it was what it was. Soon enough he came, then I zipped up, went for another piss and left.

One thing that’s a little amusing to me about this hookup, actually happens a lot when guys hit me up… I haven’t discussed my HIV status in years. I’m completely opaque about it. I like the fact that guys have no fucking clue. But they all seem to just assume that I’m poz and I’ve been toxic for years now. I don’t mind them assuming that, but I they’re making a lot of assumptions to come to that conclusion. But I actually sorta like that. Back in the day before PrEP neg bottoms had no real way to protect themselves. They were totally dependent on the top knowing his status and telling the truth. (This is before people realized undetectable = untransmittable). There was something really special about bottoms whose hunger for loads was greater than their sense of self-preservation. And even when I fucked a poz bottom back then I realized there was a point in their life when they chose to risk their health to get loads in their ass. That risk made barebacking really edgy back then. I miss the atmosphere of risk – it was hot. Those guys were true pigs, and piggy sex is just hotter. PrEP takes away that risk the way condoms took it away in the past. Now when I see a bottom is on PrEP it’s kind of a turn off. I’ll fuck them, but I just wish they’d simply put their status as “negative” and let me wonder.

So I have no clue whether the bottom was taking an actual risk or not yesterday, but I really liked that he at least made it seem in the moment like there was risk.