Today is “National HIV Testing Day”, so I’ll give my pitch on HIV testing – which won’t be quite what you hear from others…

For the most part, the people who die of AIDS these days are people who don’t get tested and don’t find out they’re poz until it’s too late for treatments to be effective. There’s no need for those deaths… None whatsoever.

If you’re worried what it will mean to test positive – give up that fear and go get tested. Becoming HIV positive today is not the death sentence it once was. In fact, there’s a good chance you’ll die of something else – like old age or in a car accident or something. But that’s not the case if you don’t get tested. Then the chances are you will die of AIDS.

In other words – don’t be afraid of HIV, be afraid of not knowing your poz.

You don’t have to get tested every 3 or 6 months unless you want to. The goal here is to catch your HIV before it starts doing really nasty shit to your body. You’re probably fine if you catch it within a year of infection – but definitely don’t wait more than 2 years between tests. There are strains of HIV that are more aggressive than others that need to be treated fairly quickly.

If it’s been more than a year since you had an HIV test, get tested this week…

Last night when I was laying on the floor playing with my dog I noticed a book on my shelf – “Epitaphs for the Living“. It was published in 1989 and I bought it shortly after I came out. It’s an incredibly somber book. Has pictures of people with AIDS with their hand written notes below the picture. I want to quote from some of them…

There’s a picture of two guys sitting on a bed. One has his arm around the other… Each gave their perspective, but one is especially poignant…

Life is such a precious gift! It has been very hard to watch life melt away from the one I love and I can do nothing but be there and love him with all my heart. I love you Pat.

Another picture is of a guy in a turtle neck most guys would say was pretty hot…

Thank you, Billy, for a beautiful photograph. Its how I want to be remembered; happy, attractive, self satisifid and content with lie. But in many ways the photo doesn’t look like me. · It doesn’t show the K.S. lesions growing on my face + body. · It doesn’t show that I am half blind · It doesn’t show the fact that I’ve had 3 bouts of Pneumocystis Pneumonia in the past year and a half · It doesn’t show the fear I have of what may happen to my health either tomorrow or 6 months down the road · It doesn’t show the sadness, not only my own, but the sadness I feel every time I walk down the street and see friends and acquaintances who have been diagnosed. · It doesn’t show the anger I feel at having about 1/2 of my life whipped out from under my feet at the age of 30. · It doesn’t show the great discontent and anger I have form our government for having ignored this epidemic for so long while people were dying in every city in our country. · It doesn’t show the great amount of love + compassion I feel from my family, community + friends. · And most of all it doesn’t show the tremendous need for all sexually active people to learn about AIDS to protect themselves and their loved ones so the y won’t have to go through my pain or the pain of so many others who have gone before me and will continue to go after me.

David Brewster
San Francisco, CA
Diagnosed Oct 31, 1986

Then there’s a photo of a guy sitting in a barber’s chair in what looks like the middle of a living room or sun porch. He looks about 40…

Sometimes I find myself siting all alone wondering, after two years since diagnosis, where I will find the strength to continue to live with AIDS. I think living with AIDS can be the hardest part, not the dieing [sic].

Johnnie

Then there’s a picture of a black man looking out a window at a hospital. He’s wearing a denim jacket and glasses…

Being tested HIV positive has not been easy. You can’t really set any goals, except to thank God for letting you see the breaking of a new day, a day that none of us have ever seen before. I take one day at a time and hope for the next day…

Jim

Then there’s a picture of a very weak looking guy named Dave in a hospital bed. His friend/lover is at the end of the room looking out the window…

I just wanted to say how scared I was, I’m so sick of being sick I can’t stand it. The cancer on my skin has gotten so bad I’m afraid to be seen in public. I thank God for the support of all my friends especially Ernie and Michael and to know that they are there. It’s just sometimes for me it’s hard. Its hard being the one that’s always smiling and saying everything is okay. Sometimes I feel like its not okay. After working all the years I’ve worked I finally made a name for myself. It’s all taken away. I don’t want to have to settle for that. People say you should be happy to be alive. This to me is not living. But I’ll be okay. I’ll go to sleep and wake up tomorrow and everything will be fine again.

When I found I had AIDS it didn’t bother me as far as knowing I was going to die. Dieing doesn’t scare me, but leaving my friends did. I was always afraid of what was going to happen. I guess I was still scared…

Dave died before the book was published. His friends transcribed his words from audio cassette.

Which reminds me, one of the things I wish I had done before my lover died was to record his voice. I’ve forgotten what his voice sounded like…

Damn… I’m sitting here barely able to see the screen through my tears. All of you guys who think I don’t remember what it was like – that I’m somehow spitting on the graves of those who died – fuck you. I do remember. It’s just things are very different now. Very very different.

That was a time of death. Now we’re in a time of living. A lot of people who went through that are still very angry and their fears about things like HIV are very deep seated. I get that – this post has been really difficult to write because I went through it too.

While things have changed, if you don’t get tested your experience will be like the guys above rather than the healthy poz guys you see around you living normal lives.

Please get tested… Know your HIV status so you can live a long healthy life…

Thanks to LifeLube, I just discovered inSPOT which is a service that’s been around for 4 years that lets you anonymously tell other guys you may have given them an STD.

I’m not sure how I feel about it though… I mean this means the organization behind inSPOT could have a database of guys who are getting STDs… I prefer to tell guys myself when it happens (and appreciate it when guys tell me)… But I guess it’s better than nothing…

One of the big limitations is that you need the guy’s e-mail address. It’s too bad they haven’t partnered with the major hookup sites so you can send the same message to say a Manhunt profile.

No matter how you do it – tell partners they may have been exposed… STDs are a drag and if we’re just honest with each other and get them treated quickly, they’ll spread less which means fewer STDs for everyone – including you!

[To be clear, the title is a bit tongue and cheek – see my comment in the comments section…]

A new report is out today from the NYC Department of Health (PDF) that shows that a surprising number of New Yorkers are using condoms… Here are some of the findings:

• Gay men with multiple partners are more likely to use condoms than straight guys or bisexual guys. 75% of gay men used condoms in their last sexual encounter compared to 63% of straight guys and 55% of bisexual guys.
• 23% of gay men had 5 or more sex partners in the past year (compared to 6% of straight guys).
• 62% (straight + gay) of guys with 5 or more sex partners used a condom the last time they had sex.
• Overall 60% of New Yorkers used condoms in their last sexual encounter.
• 18-24 year olds (men + women, gay + straight) are more likely to use condoms.

I’m sorta surprised the the numbers – that so many guys are using condoms… Only 25% of gay sex in New York is bareback. But the good news is that the percentage is nearly double for bisexual guys (45%). [Great news for us, but possibly scary for the women they fuck who don’t know they’re bisexual.]

I’m also really surprised that only 23% of gay guys in New York have 5 or more sex partners. Hell, I had double that the other night at the bathhouse in Montreal (if you count oral in with fucking).

According to the spreadsheet I’m keeping of my hookups, if I keep up at the pace I’ve gone so far this year, I’ll get my bare dick in 89 holes I’ve never fucked before, plus the ones I have fucked for a total of 113 sexual encounters, and I’ll deposit 87 loads in guys’ asses… If you add in oral sex at places like backrooms and bathhouses, I’d be well over 100 sex partners this year… And I don’t even consider myself to be all that sex-obsessed… I mean there are guys who are getting a lot more sex than me… There are plenty of nights (like tonight) when I’m just not in the mood…

Even in my slower years I was getting in about 25 new asses each year and depositing slightly fewer loads than that… The concept that over 3/4ths of gay guys have fewer than 5 sexual partners when a slow year for me is 25 (plus oral) is sorta shocking… I mean who are these people and why aren’t they having sex?

I’ve been chatting with “BareBottom1980” – the blogger out in Omaha. He sorta proves a point that anyone can have a good sex life. He had gotten really heavy at one point, he’s lost a lot of weight but would still be considered “fat” by a lot of guys, but that’s not stopping him – he’s having a great ‘ol time taking loads. What changed for him? He just decided to be a slut… He’ll take a load from just about anyone… There are plenty of guys willing to nutt in his ass (even in the Omaha), and he’s loving every minute of it…

So there’s really no good excuse for a sucky sex life. Get your ass (or dick) out there and have fun!

Bottom line – we’ve got some work to do… To get down the percentage of guys using condoms, and to get up the percentage of guys with lots of sex partners…

If you read the blogs I have listed in my sidebar you may know that Matt from “Matt & Dan’s Sexual Adventures” is in town from Minneapolis and will be getting gangbanged Thursday night starting at 6pm and going until whenever…

So far they’ve gotten responses from 50 guys but looking for more (after all only about a third of the guys who say they’ll come actually do). I plan on being there – probably a little later in the evening so I can felch some loads out of his ass…

Dan describes Matt this way…

He’s a hot young 25 y.o. (5’8′, 155, 32w, br/br, Neg, DDF) with one of the most spectacular asses I’ve ever fucked.

He’s looking to get fucked and to take as much cum as he can.

Stop by and let his talented ass drain your cock! Totally anon – he’ll be waiting, jockstrapped, ass in the air – lubed and ready.

And yes, even though he keeps testing neg, he does take poz loads…

The gangbang will be at Hotel Pennsylvania which is at 7th Ave and 34th Street, near Penn Station.

So tops – lets see how much cum we get get in him! Contact Dan if you want to stop by and drop a load – mattdanbb@hotmail.com – they’re going at it all night long…

HIM:

how many give you shit for your profile?

ME:

very very few these days. 3 or 4 years ago that was different – guys would get nasty if i even complimented them on their pics…

HIM:

that’s unfortunate.

how do you do it man? so adamantly work against the safe sex movement with such pride?

I can’t help but detect you gloating about the amount how aren’t speaking up to you-the younger generation is in trouble due to men like you..

ME:

how i have sex is between me and the guys i fuck. i’m upfront about what i’m looking for. i’ve done my research and know the facts usually better than people who use rubbers…

here’s how i look at it… people drive in cars and don’t think twice about it, but public highways are one of the most dangerous places in the world. people speed, they drive when they’re tired… it’s all really dangerous.

people skydive, people bungee jump off bridges… they do all these things because they make their lives more enjoyable.

so why is the safe sex crowd think sex should be different than any other part of a person’s life? they’re ok with straight people barebacking and having unwanted children – why is it that gay sex is so horrible that we have to have a completely different standard for it?

bottom line – it’s a personal choice.

HIM:

just because protease inhibitors exist doesn’t mean you can spit on the graves of the 100s of thousands who died. It doesn’t mean you can encourage those who are less educated than others that barebacking is acceptable. It doesn’t mean that 14, 15, 16 year olds who are coming out should consider this an option…have all the one-on-one, group-on-group personal choices you want- but the broadcasting of this is dangerous.

Despite what you may think- the message isn’t out there loudly enough. Trust me, I understand your stance on personal choice- but you purposely put fetish around it, you enjoy the luring other people to think and act like you do. The personal choices of 18 year olds wouldn’t necessarily be their choices at 20 or 22 or 30 and so on…why jeopardize would-be negative men..

you’re creating a dangerous environment- don’t assume people are as wise as you.

ME:

i had a lover die of AIDS in early ’95… i don’t need the lecture. i’m guessing you’re young enough you haven’t had someone close to you die. until you have, that’s a trump card you don’t have the right to play.

even people in public health call the era we’re in “the post AIDS era”… it’s not like it was before ’96 – not even close…

the safe sex message is failing because the people promoting it don’t seem genuine. they’re saying the same things they were saying 20 years ago and don’t acknowledge that things have changed. it’s not my responsibility to do their job for them.

in contrast bareback porn is honest – it shows obviously poz guys fucking the way they fuck at home and at sex clubs. i take it you know i’m a blogger – blogs like mine are honest too… people respond to that honesty. don’t get on my case for honesty… get on the case of the safe sex crowd for not being honest.

HIM:

Yes, I have had a friend and mentor die of AIDS. Despite the myriads of men I know living with it and wish they weren’t.

Can I play that card now?

Yes you’re honest. I’ll give you that.

It just saddens me that you’re shrugging this off and that people are following in your footsteps. Weak strain, heavy strain. It’s all a lottery – not everything can be “hot” all the time.

goodbye now- I do appreciate your response.

ME:

You know it’s weird… I’ve never had a poz guy tell me they really hate being poz (at least none that have been poz for a while and have adjusted to it). I don’t see poz bloggers really talking about it either. And on top of everything it seems at least some poz tops really get off breeding neg bottoms…

The situation is not black and white…

I need to qualify that last bit… The guys I know either 1) don’t tell me they’re poz, or 2) don’t talk about what it’s like to be poz. Years ago they used to… If it comes up at all these days it’s brushed off. Maybe they don’t think a neg guy would understand – or they don’t want to go into it – or their lives just don’t revolve around he issue anymore – I don’t know…

And I’m sure there’s some blogger out there somewhere who talks about what it’s like to be poz. I know Geek Slut did from time to time (his blog is offline right now). He’d mention when his doctor changed his meds and it would sorta knock him for a loop.

I’m not saying poz guys have it easy. I’m saying that I’m neg and it’s not my job to communicate the experiences of poz guys. They can start their own blogs or comment on blogs like this one (starting their own is the best way to get credibility – far better than “dropping bombs” on blogs like this one). Fred Mayer is starting a new cam site and blog. I’m really hoping he’ll fill in some of this void with his blog…

Did you also notice how the guy above seems to think I don’t have a right to talk about my sex life and my opinions? Damn! That’s a pefect example of political correctness gone completely wrong.

Just when I was thinking I had more than enough political stuff on the blog for one day, I read another post on Joe. My. God…

Get this… The ACLU, Lambda Legal, NCLR, The Human Rights Campaign, The National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, Glaad, and a few other groups have issued a joint statement (PDF) telling queers not to sue the federal government or other states to win rights.

I’m sorry, but there is never a right time to just shut up and be discriminated against. It’s demoralizing to think that all of those groups won’t stand up and fight for my rights as a US citizen who’s married to another man (in Canada which is sorta now recognized by New York). Believe me – I’ve thought about it… You don’t want to know the thousands of dollars we’ve had to spend in lawyers fees ’cause we’re gay and my boyfriend/husband isn’t a US citizen. I would LOVE for us to sue the government and challenge DOMA. At the same time I know a lawsuit would be a lot of work, and for us it isn’t urgent. We have the money for the lawyers and there’s no risk of deportation.

Still, if someone else like us wanted to challenge the law they should. I would love Antonin Scalia to rule on gay marriage. He’s always said he was a strict constructionist. If he really is, then he has to rule in our favor. One of the absolute foundations of our constitution is that contracts which are valid in one state are valid in all states. You can’t call yourself a constitutional conservative and not back gay marriage. It’s black letter law.

I was about to finalize my will and leave money for Lambda Legal. This changes that. It’s truly a dark day when all of those groups won’t stand up for what’s right.

Activism is a funny thing. You need the people who yell, scream and kick to soften up people so the moderates can get heard and work out a compromise. In this case no one is willing to be the activist – everyone wants to be the moderate. Nothing happens that way… It just won’t work.

Would someone please rip the rainbow flags out of these people hands and teach them about pink triangles?