I Need To Control My Weight And Get A More Balanced Life…
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26 July 2009 | 31 Comments
[For those of you who don’t like my introspective posts where I critique what’s wrong with my life – just stop now – you won’t like this post…]
My life has been really sedentary and work-obsessed lately. With all the shit going on in the economy it just feels right to keep my nose to the grind and work work work. But it’s also frustrating ’cause my revenue off the porn stuff that I’m trying so hard to get going is totally flat – I’ve made almost the same exact amount for 7 months in a row now – and that amount is half of my target amount for the end of the year… It’s frustrating and stressful. And my mainstream work (which is where I can make good money) has been hanging like a millstone around my neck. I get in a funk when I have to work on it (there’s a long and sorta personal history to the project). It’s sorta weird, but it is what it is… I know I shouldn’t be complaining – I’m busy and making adequate money when so many friends and acquaintances are losing their jobs – but that’s just part of the whole angst of the economy – I feel like I don’t really have the right to bitch even when the feelings are genuine.
Anyway, my sedentary life has resulted in my weight going up and up. Talking real numbers it was stable for quite a while there – I’d fluxuate between 232 and 237 – but always capped out at 236 or 237. But the last month or so it’s been creeping up and I’m now at 245 and I’m not happy about it at all… The funny part is, just looking at me, my boyfriend thinks I look like I’m losing weight. Go figure.
I don’t mind 235 all that much (if I stayed there), but I’d rather be in the 195 to 215 range. Mind you, I look best (and pretty hot) when I’m 180, but I don’t see that happening. 195 to 215 is still pretty beefy and “realistic” but I look pretty good in that range. Just for reference I was 195 five years ago when I fucked Dawson. The funny part was I thought I wasn’t in shape which is why I didn’t want to take off my clothes… And 215 is the weight I was at when I took the torso pic I have in my profiles (to the left – and yeah, I shouldn’t have a pic that’s 30 lbs out of date, but at least it shows I have a belly and most guys seem to think I look better than my pics so I leave it).
The problem is back around the time of the Dawson video I used to stay in shape by sailing. I had a boat and spent most summer weekends on it. It was great on many levels – it was the only place I could completely relax, but it was great exercise as well. It was strenuous in a very natural way that lasted for hours and hours… But we sold the boat a few years ago and now I just work work work in the summer… Going out to a bar for fun just doesn’t have the same beneficial effects 😉
A long time ago when I was in great shape I used to go to the gym and do a lot of free weights and some cardio. Over a 6 month period in 1997-8 this was the progress I made going from 236 to about 185 (and then I kept going down and building muscle)…
Mind you I was younger and more active back then (walked a half hour back an forth to work, higher metabolism, etc.), but the point is I’ve done it before. Thing is, the gym got boring. I can do it, but I find it hard to maintain my motivation to go on a regular basis. Maybe if I had a workout partner and a good gym it would be different. Or better yet, if NYC had a bathhouse with a decent gym attached – that would get me to go to the gym 😉 But Gimnasio Grande (the local gym up here) just doesn’t do it despite all the hot Latinos…
All the focus on diet and exercise just doesn’t feel like it fits with my life anymore… On the other hand I feel like something needs to change in my life. I’m way too stressed over work – It rules my life. I’m not sleeping properly and I wake up tired and stressed… But the funny part is I’d probably be just as productive if I could really manage to have a well balanced life. Bottom line is I want more out of my life and my weight isn’t my primary issue – it’s a side effect of something bigger that’s wrong.
At the same time a lot of things are right with my life right now. In some ways I’m in a really good groove – it’s just not a balanced groove, but part of the reason why I haven’t changed is ’cause I’m a bit afraid I’ll screw up what’s right in my life. Case and point – sometimes I think I’d do better if I were single. But I wouldn’t be where I am today if it weren’t for my relationship with my boyfriend. Just financially, we’re selling our apartment (en sha’allah) and even with the real estate downturn we’re still able to pull out a decent chunk of money (not huge, but decent – and of course it’s contingent on the sale actually going through). If we stay together and take the next step real estate-wise by buying into a neighborhood that’s been really hit hard we could wind up with way more space, a better location, all at a similar net cost each month. If I were single that wouldn’t would be possible. The best I could hope for is a small apartment downtown or an a decent-sized one uptown in a less desirable neighborhood than we’re in now. Neither of those options are all that attractive (though there is one apartment uptown I could definitely seem myself living in – and it’s in a building where one of my fuck buddies lives). For all the frustrations that get mentioned here on the blog my bf is a good guy and we’re stronger together than we’d be apart.
But that said, things do need to change… I need to do stuff like play hookie some days and go lay out naked by the Hudson over by Dykeman. I need to find a way to put down the computer and get some exercise in a way that’s interesting and feels natural to me. But with my consuming worry over work, that’s a lot easier said than done…
But it’s more than exercise and diet. It’s friends too… We have a few friends here in New York who have tight groups of friends. But the problem is we don’t really feel like we fit in ’cause our lives are about our work and they tend to have jobs they want to forget as soon as they leave work. We often have more in common with straight friends who we can talk to about our work, but with me doing more and more porn it’s difficult to talk to straight friends about my work. They are only so interested in it – and there’s only so much I want to tell them. Plus, I’d rather have gay friends than straight friends – but it never seems that’s how it works out. The bottom line is we don’t have enough people we can just call up and go for drinks or dinner with who we’re really all that interested in.
When we go out to bars as a couple people pretty much never talk to us. When I go by myself is the only time I really get into conversations with people. On gay pride day we did a little experiment and split up a bit in the bars and suddenly we were both talking to people.
The bottom line is I gotta work on friends as well – but that’s easier said than done and the relationship with my boyfriend often gets in the way of that. Which actually strikes me as funny ’cause my bf is more social than me and most of our friends come into the relationship through him, but that’s part of the problem – they’re mostly his friends – not mine.
So, while I know my weight is not the primary issue, here’s what I look like at the moment (unfortunately that’s the most flattering pic)… I’m going to be trying to bring the weight down a bit. Hopefully I’ll be successful. A little over a year ago I tried and managed to get down 10 lbs to 225, but it didn’t last (obviously), but I need to to better than that…
Today I signed up for The Zone Diet. Based on what they said they offered it sounded like they had a calorie thing that would help me evaluate what I’m eating, but that wasn’t the case. They’re menu oriented which doesn’t work for me since 1/2 the stuff I eat is delivery, and I don’t cook and I’m not going to tell my bf he has to cook some menu off a diet site. So about 20 minutes after I signed up I asked for my money back.
If anyone knows a good calorie and fat/protein/carbs analyzer, let me know – I could use one to evaluate my diet.
And I need to find ways to be more active and more social… I think that’s the key to feeling better about things and having a more balanced life. One of the reasons I eat so much is to get me through stress. If I can feel more balanced I’ll probably eat less and lose weight. It’s all pretty connected.
Post Script: As I’m finishing this up my bf and I got in another stupid little argument. UGH! It’s usually brief, but sometimes I feel like that’s the part of my life that needs to change… But people who require perfection out of their boyfriends almost never have boyfriends and as usual we did make up… I just wish the choices were clearer right now…
OK, all that’s off my chest… I’ll get back to writing about sex shortly, but all this sort of stuff most definitely does affect my sex life. I just gotta work to get it all sorted out.
UPDATE: aadam808 turned me on to Spark People – a web site + iPhone app that helps you track what you eat and how much exercise you’re getting. It’s not perfect, but it’s still quite good – and free as well…
I hear ya..Thanks for sharing
The diet thing can be as complicated as people choose to make it. Where is Richard Simmons and Deal a Meal when you need it most ???
First, control sugars and carbs. A simple meal plan of steamed rice, grilled skinless white meat chicken and steamed vegetables—over and over and over again, and the weight is gonna pour offa you. But if you start your whining “it’s too boring” “if it were only more tasty” “i need those potato chips because i work so hard” — dude, then you gonna stay fat.
Get some protein powder and build it into your diet. As you go along, you begin to adjust and add stuff back. but be careful, I’d bet your “take out” consists of hi-fat, hi-carb, lo-protein shit.
Second, what about using exercise to relieve stress? It’s not about not belonging to the “right gym” or “not having the time”. And who are you kidding about a nice bathhouse with a gym and you’d be exercising–you’d be exercising your jaws!! I would suggest stepping back and listening to your own “excuses” about not getting the exercise that you need, and you’ll find the answers, and the time.
Third, if I were your “bf” and I read your blog and the things that you have to say about me and our relationship, I would insist on a separation–it could start out as “temporary”, but a separation it would be.
Even though he is a “good guy”, you see your “bf” either as a “convenience” (i.e. you live more comfortably with him than without him, etc.), where at other times he is an “inconvenience” (i.e. you’d be getting more tricks, were it not for him).
Perhaps part of the problem is that you see him as a “bf” rather than a “partner” — I admit I don’t know, BUT I do seem to read “bf” in your blog a lot more than i ever read “my partner”.
Dude, I’m “old school” for sure, but if you’d start exercising some self discipline in your life in the eating and exercise areas alone, you’re gonna feel and look better. All the best.
First of all….thanks for your honesty. It’s not easy to look into ones life and analyze it.
Secondly….don’t be so hard on yourself(that last pic is still fucking hot!!)
I understand you want to lose weight for health reasons and that’s a good thing.
I also think rosweltop had some really good advice and said it in a very sensitive way. I too, would want a separation if I were your BF….sorry. It
just doesn’t sound like you want to be in a relationship right now. That doesn’t mean you don’t love him or want him in your life…..change is scarry and something we can’t ever avoid. No one can ever tell another what is best for their relationship….you have to decide that. Only honesty is the one thing that has to be in all relationships.
Enough……I wish you the best(just by bringing all this shit up…it’s a start) Take care….get on that bike…..and keep fucking!!! Perhaps we could discuss this further as you pound away at my ass!!!!
thanks for the honest post. and dude: you look good. my own experience recently: at 46 years old, I just hit the scales at 226#, the most i’ve ever weighed. Look okay at 6’1″ but still: not happy about it. Joined Weight Watchers, am sticking to it, it’s easy – even for a 20+ year vegetarian that eats fish… – and I’ve lost 8 pounds in 3 weeks. 8 pounds! and seriously, it’s been pretty easy… just little tweaks. and as I lose weight, i can move more: back rollerblading in the park, working up to running again… it’s all good. just thought i’d mention it as an option… peace
But being a husky bear makes you even MORE desirable to your constituents 🙂 It’s almost like giving the finger to everybody who thinks that only being in shape is sexy. As your put on your weight, you become more unique (up to a certain point, of course!) Grow your niche. There are few heavy raw tops (though there are many heavy raw bottoms.)
Rawtop – great posting. Weight is something many of us are challenged by and I can completely relate to your struggle. I recently went from 360-285 in 4 months. While everyone reacts differently and has different trigger points, a few ideas that worked for me: minimize time spent with unhealthy friends (those who you find you eat poorly with, cut the carbs – I only have processed carbs for breakfast where I eat Kashi Go Lean or a bowl of unsweetened oatmeal (I add splenda and cinnamon, consider a whey protein, fruits and veggies for lunch and then lean protein fruits and veggies for dinner. I bought a recumbent bike to burn 3500 calories a week while in front of my TV, also hit the gym 3-5x a week for intense elliptical. A few other things I’m doing include snacking on baked almonds and pecans, no added anything peanut and almond butter, and swimming with friends. A big thing that’s helped me is weighing myself every few days and ensuring my ipod has great energetic music. Walking along the Hudson with the headphones a few times a week is energizing, cruisy and great exercise. Keep the postings coming. You are great!
Forgot to mention previously–the car that hasn’t been waxed for 2 years. BEFORE having it waxed, recommend you try “Meguiar’s Smooth Surface Clay Kit” (about $16 Walmart)–absolutely removes the oxidants, contaminants, pollutants that fuck up the surface, that regular cleaners and waxes do not touch. The surface of your car will feel like glass when finished. Real easy to apply, then you wax it. So you’ll burn a few calories along the way.
P.S. VW R32 is nice car…’course I think my 335i sport coupe is nicer…..
Wow you sure got a lot of responses to this. Bottom line (no pun intended) is that we all struggle with “the small things in life” like weight. I don’t particularly like my weight, but amazingly my Master and the men he has using me never complain. Its the attitude that turns guys on. You’re attitude and everything about you is damned hot, Sir.
Rawtop, you have an R32?!!! Is it a 3rd gen or 4th? I’d consider letting you load up my ass for a drive in your equally hot car…
Big J’s = Gimnasio Grande?!
You are absolutely right about finding a good nutritionist. I am kind of obsessive / compulsive / anal retentive, so for years I’ve been reading the nutritional information found on the food products that I buy in the grocery store…u got the calorie count, plus the info about the amount of carbs, sugars, sodium and protein, so that knowledge helps me make choices when eating out, where there are no labels.
The variance between available choices, or competing brands is amazing…kind of a rule of thumb: low fat products typically suck as to taste, and when they take out the fat, the carb content goes thru the roof and carbs can easily drive weight.
(I pretty much never eat in McDonalds, but once a year when I want some fries, I want some fries that have some damned TASTE—so put back the trans-fats, please!!)
Did u know for instance that blackberries on your cereal in lieu of banana yields a significant saving in how much sugar u take in?
Carbs & sugar / Carbs & sugar / Carbs & sugar–I can’t say it often enough.
Raw, are you on VWvortex? I’ve got an 08 GTI (not quite as good as an R32) and I’m a pretty regular poster over there. Would be so weird to have talked to you over there and not even realized it…
I have a body similar to yours. I’m not particularly attracted to guys like you and me. (Although you could fuck me anytime…TOTALLY attratced to your attitude on sex.) I’ve been using Spark People (I’m the guy from Twitter) and working out 4-5 times per week for almost 2 months. I’ve lost 12lbs and feeling great about myself. I do a ton cardio. I HATE it. My iPod Touch gets me through it. I actually watch The Biggest Loser and it’s so inspiring and makes me want to work out harder. Different things work for different people. I’ve been sticking to a very strict diet. During the week it’s easy…weekends are harder. Just keep it up!!!!
try south beach for first three months. then do weight watchers
South beach is a cleanse that will train you to not want the carbs and sugar you have (first week is a bitch but after that smooth sailing, after first month you can go to whole grain carbs etc… look it up)
weight watchers after will give you a point system and they allow everything, it’s all about those points. Initial weigh in and meetings are a bitch but you can do most of it online. Lost and kept off 35lbs since the beginning of year.
Good luck, love your blog.
yipes
also throw in gym 3 or 4 times a week
i do mostly cardio…. bitch that way for about 45 minutes
melts and keeps that fat off. could do more weight training but again… bitch that way.
It does look like you touched on a sensitive topic for many—including myself. Now that I’m 32yo, I have decided to grow up and finally work on getting fit and healthy and finally live a happier life. I am attracted to stockier men and don’t expect that to change—and I don’t necessarily want to look like a twink either—but I do know that I want to be happy with the way that I look and that hasn’t really ever happened before. I lost a lot of weight 8 years ago but back then, I wasn’t mature enough and suffered from low self-confidence and thought that I needed to be as skinny as possible and magically, my life would be better. Wrong! Work took over my life and I eventually gained the weight back and then some. I never incorporated exercising into my lifestyle, just focused on better foods. I eventually got sick of eating the same stuff and went right back to fast food. I will incorporate the gym into my life (once I can afford it) but have been jogging 4miles a day (Chicago has a great bike/run path along the lake) since May. “The Zone” has really worked well for me—got the book and trying to keep my meals as varied as possible so I don’t get bored of it this time. Thanks for sharing your personal stuff—there are plenty of others who are going through the same stuff as you. Buena suerte!
dude who r u kidding? u look amazing. i’d kill for that kind of body again. I lost weight and build muscle and lost all my stocky fucks. :))
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