Question: My friend has been watching bareback porn. And it gets him off in a big way. Now he obsseses about it, and the result is he has two top guys lined up to give it to him, all the way. What should I do?

Answer: For starters, you don't automatically become poz when you start barebacking. The fact of the matter is that some of us have been barebacking for many years and are still negative (in my case 10 years on and off). Even bareback bottoms may stay negative if they're careful.

What is important is for your friend to figure out what he feels is "acceptable level of risk". It comes down to risk, reward, and regret… 5 or 10 years from now if your friend regrets that he didn't take more risks sexually, then he should have taken more risks. But at the same time he needs to balance that with an understanding that he is choosing to take risks and he may become poz as a result.

We take risks in many aspects of our lives and many every day things can kill or disable us if things go wrong. I don't understand why we expect our sex lives to be risk-free when we accept risk in other parts of our lives. It's hypocritical for a society to accept and even glorify some things that are risky and stigmatize others.

So tell your friend to find a balance between enjoyment and risk, and be sure he's not getting into barebacking for the wrong reasons (depression or drug usage). If he takes it slow and is picky about who fucks him he can probably stay neg for quite a long time, but he needs to find the right tops. He can do blindfolded "pump-and-dumps" and still stay negative IF he can find negative tops. 1) Ask about HIV status (don't assume) and also ask when the last test was – I find most guys don't ask that and it's really important. 2) Go with guys who take less risk themselves (i.e. total tops are at less risk than versatile guys, and guys who hookup less frequently are less risk than those who go to sex parties). 3) Stay away from guys who do hard drugs.

What's important is that he not just throw in the towel. The more people tell him barebacking will end with him becoming poz, the more likely he is to just give up and "accept" that he's going to become poz anyway, so he might as well not try to stay neg.

But be there for him in a supportive manner – help him make choices that are less risky but still satisfy his needs.