I don’t usually reminisce on the blog, but you’ll understand why by the time I’m done with the story…

I moved to New York in 1990 to go to grad school. When I came here I was pretty inexperienced sexually. I had had sex for the first time just 8 months before, and had sex with a total of 3 guys at that point. A one night stand who was “my first”. An older guy I dated for the Spring semester of my Senior year before he moved to San Francisco, and a party boy I dated over the summer before I moved to NYC.

New York was like a big playground and I was this shy, sorta geeky, guy who didn’t know how to make the most of it. In hindsight I really should have gone to the big sex (“j/o”) club everyone was going to, but it scared me. I was taking things at my own pace, which in hindsight was way too inhibited…

Long story short, I ran up credit card debt (in part by going out to see the ex-boyfriend who moved to SF) and by the end of January I needed money. I knew there was a respectable hustler bar over on the east side – Rounds @ 53rd and 2nd avenue, so I went there and started doing sex work which I did for about 9 months to supplement my income.

Despite the fact that I had dated someone who did drugs every weekend, I hadn’t done drugs until after I moved to NY – and then only X and only a handful of times. One of those times was the Saint-at-Large White Party. I went out to clubs a lot back then, but the White Party was huge. I had nothing but these skimpy white little shorts on that didn’t leave much to the imagination. I remember seeing guys walking around in K holes… And then there was him – this adorable Latino who I saw on the dance floor. He was muscular, very little body fat, short, great smile – in other words totally my type (even today). I’ll call him “Alex”, but that’s not his real name…

He liked me, I liked him and we left the dance floor together. I was on cloud nine. From my perspective he was totally out of my league and here he was just wanting me. I had never had someone that hot want me before… We made out, talked (as much as you could in a club) and then he mentioned he was working the party – that he was a bartender and had to work the second shift.

If you know anything about circuit parties the White Party is up there and being a bartender at the White Party is about as good as it gets if you’re a bartender. When he had to go check in for work I followed him back into the kitchen and saw a guy from my gym. Alex asked me how I knew Jason and I said he went to my gym. I knew Jason managed a club – what I didn’t realize was that he had been the General Manager of the Saint, he was then the manager of the Saint-at-Large, and he then became the General Manager of the Roxy until it closed a couple years ago. Funny how small the world is – even in a city like New York. Anyway, Jason was Alex’s boss.

Alex then went on duty. He’d sneak me a drink every now and then, but there was a guy watching him and he could really only give me soda… Finally, I went home. Since I couldn’t really hang out with him and didn’t have any intention of hooking up with anyone else, there wasn’t any point in staying once I had gotten the dancing out of my system.

The walk home was magical. I was in love (so to speak), it was sunrise, snow was gently falling, and I was coming down from a wonderful high on X. If you’ve been in NYC on a quiet morning when it’s snowing you’ll know it’s really special even when you’re not high and coming home from meeting a really hot guy… The City gets really quiet when it’s snowing… As I walked through Times Square the lights were brightly flashing, and the subway generators, which you can’t even hear on a normal day, seemed incredibly loud.

It was puppy love – infatuation – whatever you want to call it. It only lasted for six weeks, but it was a really memorable six weeks… On the plus side – he was bartending at Uncle Charlie’s which was one of my favorite bars (and a really popular bar back then), and then he quit there and started bartending at the Roxy. In fact some nights he was the only gay bartender at the Roxy. The owner was straight and tended to hire straight guys who’d sorta half way pretend to flirt with the gay guys to get good tips. And then right about the time we broke up he started bartending and then go-go dancing at a club named Parallel Bar where John Blair was throwing parties (but it turned out to be a bit of a flash in the pan).

Sexually things were pretty intense. He had this wonderful uncut cock that was always hard as steel. Back then I was “versatile”, but he was always a top with me. My memory is pretty fuzzy, but I’m pretty sure he’d always want to fuck me raw, but I’d always put a condom on him when he fucked me (we’re talking the height of the AIDS crisis). At some point before I met him I had gotten a tear “down there” and wasn’t the best bottom, and I always felt like he wanted more from me sexually. Maybe it was just my insecurities – I don’t know…

There were some notable firsts with Alex… He showed me how to trim my body hair with a beard trimmer. I still have a trimmer just like the one he used on me that first time. He taught me to use black hair care products to style a short “Chelsea boy” haircut. And he had me buy my first pair of combat boots…

But there were some downsides – he worked weird hours. Even though he’d been here for years his English was pretty rough and it was hard to communicate. That was particularly difficult when I went out with his friends and they were all speaking Portuguese and I didn’t have a clue what was going on around me. We were also just very different. I still remember him always watching this “feel good about yourself” sorta “spiritualist” who was on late night community access TV back then. I thought the guy was silly, but Alex was his #1 fan.

And the other big problem was that I was escorting and there were nights I needed to make money and he’d ask me what I was up to and I had to lie. I think he felt something was going on. It was, but it wasn’t what he thought it was… The escorting was also an issue ’cause I had started doing it a year after I had first had sex, which was confusing enough, and then I was trying to balance letting old men fuck me with having a hot go-go boy as a boyfriend…

Eventually he broke up with me. I was crushed – I’d see him out at the clubs and bars – he was friendly, but it was over. Curiously his next boyfriend was a blond Latino I had fucked the previous fall/winter. His English was really bad too – and they didn’t last long together since one spoke Spanish and the other Portuguese and neither spoke English all that well.

A few years later (’94/’95) I was at a gym and saw him. He had moved to Miami, but was in town for some reason. I still remember his face lit up when he saw me. There was a chemistry between us, even if we weren’t meant to be…

Fast forward 13 or 14 years to last night. I get an e-mail with pictures the new models on ManifestMen.com. I go and download some of them – there’s Zeb Atlas, and a few other guys. Loving Latinos like I do, I download pics of this one guy they call “Alexandre” and as I’m looking at the pics I realize it looks a lot like the guy I dated. He had been on a club flyer back when he was go-go dancing which I had kept, and I pulled it out and I’m almost certain it’s the same guy. It’s 17 years after the picture was taken, but the mouth is the same, his facial features are really similar. His body has changed a lot over those 17 years – far bigger and more ripped now.

I don’t know if he’d even remember me, but I’m just glad to see he’s still around and looking well…

Here are the recent pics of him from ManifestMen.com…

And here are the pics of him back in 1991…

Since some of you will find this interesting – here’s pics of what I looked like back then. These are from a photoshoot I did for Playguy within a few months of dating Alex… I did the photoshoot ’cause I was tired of having guys fuck me for money, but the photographer (Roberto Romo) fucked me in the middle of the shoot. I went away thinking it was pointless – I didn’t avoid getting fucked and now my pictures were going to be public. The reason why my ass looks so puckered is ’cause it’s freshly fucked 😉

What’s funny is how insecure I was back then. I really didn’t think I looked all that hot. But looking at the pics, I’d totally fuck that… 😉

So how’s that for a blast from the past? Don’t see an ex for over a decade and he winds up on Manifest Men. It really is a small world…

Load 2008-53

I sorta felt like fucking someone today – been in a weird mood sexually the past few days. That research study I’m in asks about sexual desire in three different ways – 1) sexual interest, 2) sexual arousal, and 3) horniness. I never really thought about it in those terms, but they’re a good way to break it down. I mean there are times when I want to fuck someone (sexual interest), but I’m not all that horny and can’t necessarily get it up. Then there are times when I see things on line that get me hard, but don’t feel like going through the bother of hooking up…

Anyway, getting back to the story, today was one of those days when I had sexual interest, but intermittent sexual arousal and horiness. But I was still determined to fuck someone… There were a few possibilities on Adam4Adam and BarebackRT. One was too far away (Brooklyn), another was a bit flaky but I probably could have set something up, but there was this one black guy who had an incredible body who I really wanted to fuck, but he delayed things ’cause he was hooking up with two other guys who were going to give him loads. I figured a cummy hole and a great body were worth waiting for…

At one pointed he asked if I “partied” and I said ‘no’, but didn’t care if he did. I probably should have been more complete in my answer. I don’t really care if a bottom has been partying (provided they aren’t messy and distracted), but I don’t like it when they do it around me. It’s one thing if they do a quick snort of something, but completely different when it’s a whole complicated process.

So the guy shows up, he’s just as hot as his pics (which are incredibly hot). Muscular with zero body fat and a really thin waist. He gets naked and I start playing with his hole, but he wants to party a little first… OK, whatever – I figured he’d do something quick and we’d be on our way. But no, he pulls out a thing that looked like a little bong, the drugs, a lighter, and a little mini torch. It was all way too much. I put up with it just ’cause, I wanted to fuck and didn’t want to completely ruin the moment. I figured it would be over quickly, but it took forever…

When that was done we finally got down to business. He sucked my dick and then I fucked him on his back with his legs in the air. I could tell he wanted me in really deep. I had taken a pill and was really hard, so no problems there. But after fucking him for a while I couldn’t hold back and came in his ass. It didn’t seem like it had been that long so I didn’t let on that I had cum. I just rolled him over and kept fucking him and pounded him pretty hard.

The nice thing was there was a few times when I felt like I was really close to cumming a second time. In hindsight I probably should have faked an orgasm so he knew he got my load, but I didn’t… But he was definitely getting a good fuck.

Then he wanted to take a breather, but it turned out he wanted to smoke some more… UGH!!! At this point I started losing it. Despite having taken a pill, I wasn’t getting more than a chubby. When he was done I sucked on his nipples, and then we went into the shower and I pissed on him. But it completely lacked any chemistry and wasn’t all that hot at all.

He rinsed off and came back and I just wasn’t getting hard. I rimmed him a little, then had him suck my dick. That got me just hard enough to fuck him again which I did, and then he had me piss in his ass which was sorta hot (been a long time since I’d done that).

While he was cleaning up I got dressed. When he came out he saw me and said “Are you done” and I nodded. I was absolutely not going through another round of him smoking.

If he hadn’t been so hot it would have been a bad hookup, but he was hot (and a nice guy too) which meant it wasn’t all that bad, though I wouldn’t do it again (at least not that way).

The best part is his profile – “HIV negative” / “Safe Sex Only”. Yet he spent all night last night PNPing with two guys, and apparently had two more give hm loads before he came to me. He needs to learn to be uninhibited without the drugs…

Load 2008-52

I ordered some new pills on Monday and they came two days later on Wednesday, but for one reason or another I didn’t hookup until Friday. (Sorry I’m just getting the post up now – I was out of town yesterday)…

So Friday late afternoon I was looking for some ass to fuck and not having an easy time finding it. When I just couldn’t find a hole I wanted to fuck on BarebackRT or Adam4Adam (lots of potentials, but nothing definite), I finally succumbed and checked out Manhunt. It was the last day of my paid membership so there weren’t any restrictions. I noticed a guy who I’d fucked before was online which in his case meant he was looking, so I e-mailed him and the first e-mail back from him was “yes” and the second one confirmed the address and time. [Just what I like, a guy who doesn’t beat around the bush.]

I had actually taken one of the new pills before I noticed him (I was determined to fuck someone). I didn’t know how it would work, so I figured I’d give it a little time. It said to take it at least 30 minutes before but around the 30 minute mark I was about to go out the door and didn’t see any “improvement” down there, so I put on a leather cock ring just in case.

By the time I got to his place I could feel a bit of a bulge down there and knew it would be fine. With the old pills I’d take 2 of the recommended dose of 3 and would do just fine, but this was a one pill sorta thing. I was a little worried if this was and improved formula, that it would work too well…

I get up there and like last time he greeted me at the door in a towel. He’s sorta cute – short latino with a lot of tattooes and the best part is that he’s way cuter than his pics. I notice there’s a sling in the hallway – didn’t remember that from last time – made me wonder how often he’s just laying in the sling waiting to get fucked. As I’m taking off my clothes I see he has “What I Can’t See 2” from Treasure Island playing on the TV. This guy was blindfolded and getting fucked (it’s a good DVD).

The guy’s bed was covered in sorta a black heavy plastic S/M style play sheet. I know the guy can be pretty hard core, but I wasn’t really looking for that… After a quick blowjob, he laid down on the bed (on his back) and I started playing with his body. He’s got a big uncut dick which was rock, so I sucked on that for a bit. His nipples had seen some serious use, and I was playing with those as well. It felt like there was “chemistry” between us, which as much as I like fucking anonymous holes, felt nice. I was envisioning taking a boyfriend like him out to some sex club and watching him take loads from whoever wanted to fuck him…

Eventually his legs went into the air and it was clear he wanted to get fucked. I started by rimming him – his hole looked like a nice loose “slot” that had seen just the right amount of use. After rimming him a bit, I got a bunch of spit on his hole and some on the head of my dick and shoved in.

I should mention I had gotten rock hard pretty quickly and had zero trouble staying that way. So it just sorta aimed my dick at his hole and shoved in no problem. He felt good and we were kissing a lot while I fucked him. There sorta seemed like there was this chemistrty between us.

I was so close to cumming quite a few times but I held off, but eventually I unloaded in his hole. It had been a few days since I’d cum, so he got a nice big load. But since I had taken the pill and had a cockring on there was no way I was getting even a little bit soft, so I just kept fucking him.

His ass was all cummy and felt really great. That plus the chemistry made things sorta intense. A few times I pulled out and felched my cum out of his ass (tasted good and since there was no lube in there it was nice and bitter). At one point he reached down, got some on his fingers and tasted it so he could taste my cum…

This is where the “problems” started… I wasn’t going soft – not in the least. I had blown my load like 10 minutes before and was still rock hard. All I could think to do was keep fucking him (which I did). It felt really great since his hole was all cummy, but after a while I sorta got tired of fucking. He was just laying there – not really interacting with me all that much and after a while the “chemistry” sorta wore off as well. I didn’t feel the same connection with him I felt earlier.

Finally I pulled out and he sucked my dick clean (since it was all nice and cummy). Then I told him to sit on me and ride my dick. He did it for a little while, but didn’t really seem into it. His raging hard on from earlier has sorta gone limp, and then he got off and just seemed to want to watch the porn on the TV.

That was my queue to leave, so I got up and stuffed my rock hard dick into my pants and left… It’s almost like the fact that it didn’t go down much at all sorta changed the chemistry and became a problem. If he had been a little hungrier it coulda been a great thing – he could have gone to town riding my dick and sucking it, but he seemed to just want to watch porn.

Oh well, at least most of the hookup was really good…

Been in a weird mood sexually the past few days. Sorta horny – and when I jack off to porn I can sometimes get rock hard and it would be so easy to cum. But then other times nothing gets me hard.

My theory is that the pills I was taking had something in them that’s lacking in my body. When I get a regular dose of whatever the magic ingredient is I have no problem getting hard, staying hard, and giving bottoms loads. I can even perform well when I’ve taken the pills days before. The fact that I stopped taking them and had no problems for a couple weeks tells me, whatever the magic ingredient is – that it stays in your system. I’m just not getting whatever that is in my regular diet.

But today, for the second time in a row, I had problems getting hard with a bottom. It was the Brazilian guy from the neighborhood who’s a regular fuck buddy. While I did get hard enough to fuck him for a bit, there’s really no point in going into the details ’cause not much of anything happened.

Before he actually even came over I had ordered more pills. The ones I was taking are no longer being sold, so I had to try the new type of pill by the same manufacturer. Hopefully it will work as well as the old one.

Yesterday morning I was horny, my bf was out, and there was this Dominican guy, mid-20s, who wanted to come over and get fucked hard, so I had him over… I knew from his pics he was cute but a little “soft”, which was fine with me… His age, cuteness, submissiveness and the fact that he was Latino more than made up for the fact that he wasn’t skinny…

When he showed up he was pretty much just like his pics, I showed him into the bedroom, we stripped and got right down to business without anything meaningful being said. He started by giving me a blowjob, but I wasn’t really responding all that well to that – I had him turn around and started eating out his ass.

As usual that got me hard enough to fuck, so after I got his hole pretty wet with spit, I spit a little on the head of my dick, stood up and shoved in. He had told me that he hadn’t gotten fucked in like a month and he had a problem taking it with no real lube. I told him to just take it – that he had told me not to be gentle…

Eventually he got used to my dick, but by that time I was starting to lose it a little. I fucked him a little bit, but just couldn’t stay all that hard. I pulled out and he whipped around and cleaned off my dick with a blowjob. That part turned me on, but didn’t help me get hard again, so I went back to rimming. Suprisingly rimming wasn’t working for me either, so started fingering his ass…

Long story short (since there’s not much to tell). I got hard a few more times and fucked him as hard as I could. One time I got hard for a pretty long time, gave him a good fuck (finally), but just couldn’t cum. With that fuck he jacked off a little and came on the towel I had under him.

So he got what he wanted (though not quite as intense as he probably wanted), but I didn’t cum.

[BTW, he was the first guy in a long time to ask me if I was actually neg. Lots of guys say they’re neg in their profiles, and just take what I say in my profile as truth (or don’t care).]

The weird part was I was plenty hard before he came, and afterwards I nearly came watching a video of a twink get double fucked, and then just couldn’t hold back when I watched a video of this Latino twink orgy with cum literally pouring out of the bottom’s ass – so I came all over myself with that one. It was sorta disappointing – I wanted the load up his ass, not on my chest.

Now I’m just not really in the mood to fuck for some reason – and there’s another top in town visiting that I’d like to tag a bottom with – been blowing him off, ’cause I’m just not in the mood. Hopefully that will change today…

Load 2008-51

Well, after finishing the migration of the porn blog yesterday morning (took about a week’s worth of work ’cause I had to go through all 300+ posts one by one and recategorize them), I felt like celebrating and wanted to fuck someone. I’m avoiding Manhunt these days but there seemed to be plenty of of options on BarebackRT and Adam4Adam so it was all good (I’ll use Manhunt, but only as a last resort)… There was one 21 y.o. kid I wanted to hookup with who told me this blog gave him “the courage to become a cum slut bottom”, but he said he was getting in town in the afternoon but I didn’t see him online, so I hooked up with this other guy…

The guy I hooked up with had pretty good pics – upper 30s, boy-next-door, baby faced sorta guy… Very cute. At first he said he didn’t want to travel that far, though I knew we were only 40 blocks from each other (2 miles), but then he changed his mind and said he was jumping in a cab. That meant he was going to be here really quickly so I hurried and got myself presentable.

BTW, not having my “pills” I’ve realized I don’t need them… I’ve never really had a problem getting hard, my problem is not being able to cum. A comment by a porn producer on a gay webmasters forum tipped me off to my problem which turns out to be dehydration. If I drink fluids before a hookup I can now always cum – so no need for pills. I may get some pills just for recreational purposes since they tend to get me bigger, harder and thicker than I usually am, but (thankfully) I no longer feel like I need them…

The guy shows up and is pretty much like his pics – definitely cute, but taller than I was expecting. We go into the bedroom and get down to business pretty quickly. He strips down to a jockstrap, sits on the bed and starts sucking my dick. I reach for his ass (which he’s sitting on) and he gets the hint and moves a bit so I can feel up his hole. Then he moves completely and gets on all fours.

I let him suck me for a bit, and then move around and start rimming him. The position I was in was a little awkward, so I didn’t last for all that long before I got his ass wet with spit, and shoved my dick in. I fucked a little and then he said he needed lube. We grabbed some and continued on with him on all fours.

After a bit I pushed him down on his belly and fucked him that way. It was sorta warm and he has this sheen of persperation all over his back. It looked just like you’d want for a sexy photoshoot, only it was natural (not from a water bottle). I should mention that his body was really smooth (for a white guy) and he had a bit of a swimmer’s build so even though he was taller than me (which I usually don’t like) he was a really hot fuck…

I mentioned that it would be really easy to cum and he said “do it – cum in me”. We hadn’t been fucking for that long – I figured he’d want me to drag it out a bit and I was enjoying his ass and didn’t really want it to end so soon, but since he wanted it right then I stopped trying to drag it out and just fucked him and came in his ass about a minute later.

Since I didn’t really want it to end and couldn’t really believe he did, I kept pumping in an out of his cummy ass for a few minutes, then I pulled out, he rolled over and jacked off and came, and then he was done – got up and started getting dressed.

As we were getting dressed he mentioned his boyfriend was at home. I’m wondering whether he knew his boyfriend was out getting someone’s load? Would explain taking a cab and wanting a quick hookup…

I should have written this up last night, but started a new porn blog for amateur gay teen videos instead… The porn stuff is sorta fun…  😉