A few of the stories I related from IML had to do with one particular guy (he’s the guy from the paddling/whipping video). When you read the story below you’ll see he took a huge step at IML and started taking any load from any guy he thought was hot – no questions asked.

This is a critical period in his life so I wanted him to get his thoughts during this period down “on paper” since memories often revise how things really were to suit the thinking at a later time. It’s important to note that he had a hard time verbalizing what he was feeling when he was at IML. These are his thoughts two weeks later…

To the extent I was part of his story I’ve linked to the appropriate blog post where I mention him…

I’m not advocating that other guys take the same steps he is. But I think his thinking needs to be heard. Processes like this are how guys become poz, yet pubic policy “experts” rarely take people like him into consideration. They’re much happier with the simple stereotypes – like young kids on Tina, but I suspect guys like this guy are far more typical than the stereotypes. These are the guys who tell their healthcare providers friends and loved ones “it was an accident, I’m usually pretty careful”…

I’ve been asked to write down my thoughts from IML, specifically my thoughts on becoming a cum hungry bottom who decided, for the first time, to take loads from all men there. Without asking their status or health. I took loads from guys who told me they were negative. I took loads from guys who either didn’t know or who I suspected were positive. I took loads from guys I knew to be positive, but had no idea of their viral load. And I took loads from guys I didn’t even bother asking.

I wasn’t as much of a cum dump as I could have been. Sometimes I chickened out and stopped before they came, reverting back to old excuses I used when I wanted to get barebacked but I didn’t want them to cum inside me (“I’m getting sore, I already came, etc.”). I meant to go to a few total all out bb fuck parties but other things came up that prevented that (whether or not I did that consciously). And frankly, loads are at a premium even at IML … it’s like the busiest night at the hottest bathhouse, and bottoms are so easy to find that the tops were saving their cum for the fuck parties or for the next hotter guy that might be coming along asking to get fucked. So altogether I took loads from about 10 different men there (and got fucked at Steamworks by quite a few men where I wasn’t entirely sure whether or not they shot inside me.) I thought that was a pretty good total, from someone who has barely started taking cum up my ass and has never taken multiple loads like that.

So the question is: what made me start taking loads, no questions asked? It seems like a fundamental change from a former safe sex bottom who’s been careful to stay negative after about 20 years of getting fucked (I started out life with a girlfriend, and then as a top, before I discovered I love getting fucked at about age 25). It’s really just a progression in how i’ve changed my thinking. And fundamentally, it’s an acceptance of the extreme risk I’m taking and the consequences of taking that risk.

I’ve been described, by someone who observed me on the weekend, as a bug chaser. I don’t see myself that way. I know that’s the probable consequence of what I’m doing, but I’m not seeking to become positive. It’s more that I’m indifferent about the possibility of becoming positive. All things being equal, I would prefer to remain negative, I would prefer to be one of those incredibly few people that are essentially immune to the virus. I truly see it more as a progression of acceptance of risk. Or, probably more accurately, I see it as an example of extreme behavior that men often engage in, extreme sports, hyper-aggressive driving, drugs, gambling, whatever. It’s my version of that. Living on the edge, reckless or indifferent to the consequences because the thrill of living that way is adequate pay-off.

For the first 10 years of my life of getting fucked I never got fucked without a condom. I never bothered getting tested, because knowing my status would not have changed my sexual practice in any way, since I always practised safe sex. When I met my current partner over 10 years ago, we both got tested (me for the first time), and we fucked each other without condoms. That was a sea change in my practice. Before then, I wouldn’t even swallow cum. At the same time, medications started getting better, and people with HIV were starting, slowly and not so easily, to live longer and more manageable lives. And I started to relax my restrictions. I love sucking cock, and I started to learn and to love swallowing cum down my throat. I craved that moment when a man’s cock started to throb and I would feel his cum shooting down the back of my throat. One man I sucked off a few times I found out was positive, and instead of freaking out I figured, “it’s just a different place on the risk spectrum, and not so far along where I was before, the real risk of HIV transmission is fairly small”. I concentrated on making sure I didn’t get cum near my gums, that it was all the way at the back of my throat, etc. I started to negotiate risk with myself, always consciously and deliberately. I gave up the notion of absolute risk reduction that I held in my 20s and early 30’s.

Then I started getting fucked without condoms. Just at the beginning, to tease myself. Or out in the park where it wasn’t easy to find a condom. Or in a backroom somewhere. Just for a minute, or two minutes, making sure I didn’t let the guy stay in me long enough to cum. (Knowing that it doesn’t take all that long for some guys … sometimes I would ask them not to cum inside me, and sometimes I’m pretty sure they did but I ignored the meaning of that). In those days it was pretty standard practice to pull out even if you were fucking bareback. Pretty soon, at the baths, I would always bring my condoms but I was as happy as not if the guy didn’t put one on before he fucked me. But I would always (try to) stop him before he came inside me. There were the usual tactics (see above). But the guy would usually ask whether he could cum inside me, or I would make sure he didn’t.

Then I got a boyfriend (on the side) with whom I had intense and incredible sexual energy. The first time we fucked with condoms. The second time I told him not to bother with the condom, and when I knew he was close I asked him to come inside me. And he did. And that was that. We fucked for the next 2 years, and I revelled and gloried in taking his cum (and piss) inside me whenever I could. I craved it. I lived for it. When we broke up, about 3 years ago, I felt empty and became obsessed with him, with cum, with piss, with being filled, being fulfilled, and all of that. It was only a matter of time before I needed to feel all of that inside me again.

Last year at IML I hooked up with someone I had met online, and he fucked me, and he came inside me. That was pretty much the first time since my boyfriend. (My partner and I no longer have sex … I guess that’s part of the story too.) I knew the guy was negative. I thought it was hot. I then met up with another guy, an incredibly hot daddy, who was the closest to my old boyfriend I ever met. The energy was intense for me. But he was positive. I craved his cum inside me. He fucked me bare, but we didn’t go that extra step. I felt cheated. I wanted more.

Then, two months later, I was getting fucked by a fuckbuddy (who I’ve always known is positive) … he’s always fucked me bare but has always pulled out to shoot his load on my back … with incredible control, I’ve got to admit. In the last year or two he’s played with the idea with me of not pulling out, he’s asked me to ask for his cum, but I’ve always refused. It was hot, and moreso because it was forbidden, socially taboo, a negative boy asking for his daddy’s poz cum inside him. But this time, last July, he was fucking me, and telling me to beg for his cum, and I was saying no, and he said “Just say, ‘load me up’. And I’ll do it.” And something in me clicked, and I wanted it so bad, and I said to him “Load me up. Please.” And he said “yeah, I’m going to shoot inside you and you’re finally going to take my cum”. And then I panicked, and I said “no, please don’t, I don’t want it yet” and he said “It’s too late fucker, you asked for it and I’m finally going to give it to you.” And he was pumping me harder, and holding me down, and I was crying “no, fuck no” and he started to shoot his cum inside me, and I came, an intense orgasm, shot a huge load in his sheets as he was cumming inside me, for the first time after years of fucking, and it was one of the most amazing orgasms I’ve ever had.

Since then, I’ve taken a few loads, but not so many. Some of them were poz loads. I’ve been tested since and I didn’t become positive. I’ve hooked up with some neg fuckbuddies and they dump in me regularly enough (about once or twice a month). I’ve become used to wanting and taking loads. And it’s at that point that I went to IML. I knew something would change this year for me there. I’d put my profile up on a bareback site. I’d talked openly with a couple of guys I chatted with before I got there about getting fucked and taking multiple loads of cum up my ass. I had planned to go to and got invitations to a couple of the bareback fuck parties. I tentatively planned a bareback fuck party of my own, inviting tops to come to my room one of the evenings to gang-bang me. I knew something would happen, but I didn’t know how far I’d let myself go. I wanted to have all the opportunities available.

I got my first load right away, from a neg top I’d been talking to quite a bit before I got there. Then I went to Steamworks, and lay on my stomach in my room letting pretty well anybody come in and finger my ass. Some of the men I wasn’t into, but the ones I was I lifted my ass and took some poppers and they knew well enough that was an invitation to climb on and fuck. The ones that wanted to put on a condom I told to leave. I got fucked multiple times, and I wanted to take loads, but by and large I didn’t get any (I only got one load for sure the entire evening, because men were walking in and out and fucking me for awhile but not coming). A few promised to come back and dump their load inside me at the end of the evening, but may have come by when my door was closed. But I had decided, by then, and for the rest of the weekend, not to ask status, to take loads from anyone, to let them cum inside me and to accept the consequences, whatever they were, and even to accept becoming poz, if that happened.

Why? For me, it was simply an acceptance of the risk. The benefits to me were immense … it was what I craved for years, to be a real cum dump, to take loads, multiple loads, from a bunch of hot men who wanted to dump inside me. To be completely and totally marked as a bottom. To have sex without fear of consequence. Asking status seemed redundant, or pointless, or somehow even rude. To accept loads from most men, why would I not accept loads from all? Chances are they might not know their status. I wasn’t going to insist on recent medical results. I wasn’t going to start asking for viral loads (on the theory that poz, but undetectable, men are as safe as neg men). If I was going to take one anonymous, unknown load, it seemed irrational that I wouldn’t take another one, or several, loads. I was clear-headed and purposeful in this decision. I would be (more or less) indifferent to who I allowed to cum inside me.

More or less. If I became positive, I would want to remember my sexual life (I would want to remember it in any event) as one of intense raw energy, of adventure and discovery, of hot sensual encounters that changed my way of thinking and of looking at things. I do not want men to fuck me, or cum inside me, just because they want to, or because I want some cum. I know this may sound contrary to what I’ve just set out above at great length, but frankly I don’t want just to get fucked by as many men as possible. I’ve got to be turned on by the situation, I’ve got to want the cum so bad it aches. So I organized a gang-bang, and although it didn’t turn out exactly the way I fantasized, it was still good, and a few men did come to my room and climbed on my hole and pumped a load up my butt. And that was a hot scene and it turned me on and the whole thing was worth it. But the hottest thing that night was that the first top who fucked me, who was also there, witnessed another dominant top come in and totally use my body (and mind), but he didn’t fuck me once. I responded to that as much, or more, than I responded to the anonymous loads. And that made me realize that there could be so much more to the weekend than being a complete cum dump. I spent the rest of the weekend trying to negotiate those two competing thoughts (as the dominant top put it, between being “just a hole” and being “more than a hole”.)

I think the man who asked me to write this down (the first top who gave me his load at IML), wanted me to record what I am thinking now, because I might live to regret my choice. He assumes, rationally enough, that I will become positive. That seems inevitable. He wants me to have this to remember why I did it. I won’t regret my choices, I’ve never done that. I understand pretty clearly why I’m at this point in my life. It’s not because of a lack of self-respect, or because of depression, or even a conscious self-destructive impulse. I’m pretty rational generally in my life choices. I live a healthy life, go to the gym often, don’t smoke or do drugs, and I’m in better shape at 46 than I’ve ever been in my life. I’m a professional, successful in my career, have many friends and am generally happy. I’m also at a point that if or when I do become ill, I’m set for that, with good benefits and a house and some money stashed away and other opportunities to explore if I can no longer work at my current job. I’m also at the age where I’m seeing friends, and family, die away, some senseless tragic deaths, not at all HIV-related: cancer, accidents, unforeseen events. Or quiet deaths, slipping away after long lives half-lived. Despite all appearances to the contrary, I don’t believe I’m being truly reckless about this. It’s not a coincidence that I’m doing this at this point in my life.

Was it worth it? Yes, for IML I believe it was worth it. I had fun, and I learned a few important things about myself, and my capacities (and limits … places I might want to explore or grow). Will I continue doing this? Yes, but maybe not as a complete and utter cum dump. It would depend on the circumstances. I would do another IML weekend, or Folsom or whatever comes up. Incorporating all that into my regular life at home, I’m not so sure. I really liked the special adventure of that weekend, and the incredible high it gave me. And also there’s the general issue of sexual health, HIV notwithstanding (I ended up with another, more mundane, STD from the weekend, and remembered that sexual health in general is something I have to be aware of and protective of both myself and others, if I want to continue having a good fun sexual life.)

Would I recommend it to others? No, not generally. I’m not advocating recklessness in sexual practice. I’m not advocating going out and becoming poz, or seeking it. It depends on your circumstances. I’ve always believed we have to live with the consequences of our actions. If you’ve thought through the consequences and you’re willing to live with them, then you’re capable of making your own choices.

It’s certainly an easier choice to make now than it would have been even 3 years ago … more and more people are barebacking, more people are fetishizing cum and breeding and getting bred, it’s become almost a norm of gay sexual practice. It may turn out that this was the right moment for all of that to happen because of the advance of HIV meds, it may be that it was too early. Time will tell. I’m aware of the potential impact of social practice and social discourse on my own behavior, and it gives me pause to think I’m just living through an historical moment and that’s affecting my behavior. That’s probably one of the reasons I resist being a total cum dump, I want to observe this social change for a moment and figure out how it does impact on my life, and then figure out the course I want to chart through it all. But for the moment I’m pretty happy with the direction I’m taking.

Which of the following do you identify with, and why?

I strongly prefer the pink triangle over the rainbow flag…

Back in the Nazi era there was a time when the Nazis turned against gay men, which is ironic ’cause the SA was filled with us faggots and used to have big huge drunken orgies. But the SA got closed down and the SS came into ascendance.

About this same time being gay became a crime and they started sending gay men off to concentration camps. The pink triangle is what they used to put on the sleeves of gay men – just as Jews wore the yellow star of David.

You probably know all of that, but what you may not know is that guys with pink triangles were on the lowest rung of the concentration camps. They were worked harder, abused more, you name it. There are stories of gay men stealing yellow stars of David off dead Jews in order to improve their treatment.

The pink triangle is a badge of honor for us. It is a symbol of the hatred against us that we have appropriated and used for our own purposes. It’s there to remind us that the discrimination against us has long and dark roots.

The rainbow flag doesn’t have any of that history. I’ve met the guy who “invented” it – it’s a happy symbol of inclusion and equality – there’s no dark history behind it.

Thing is, the gay community isn’t all that inclusive (ask any gay black man), and we don’t have equality either. IMHO, our symbol should still be the pink triangle. We need to be reminded of the ways in which we still need to fight against those who hate us. And our struggle against inequality should make us see all in the LGBT community as our family, regardless of skin color, etc.

It’s gay pride month – which symbol will you use? It’s true, the rainbow flag makes great flags – triangular flags just don’t work that well. But when it comes to things like pins, badges and bumper stickers – pick a pink triangle and wear/use it with pride. And explain it’s history to people when it comes up in conversation…

I was reading Joe. My. God. this morning and he had a post on a Canadian pastor (Stephen Boissoin) who’s gotten fined for saying things against gays. He and his group (the fairly powerful and well-known Christian Coalition) were also barred from publishing negative comments about gays in the future.

Apparently he wrote a letter to the editor of a paper that got published and then a gay person got attacked in the same town shortly after it was published. His letter was linked to the gay bashing and violá, he was found guilt and ordered to pay something like $7,000 in damages – $5K to one person and $2K to someone else.

Here’s a quote from what he said:

Don’t allow yourself to be deceived any longer. These activists are not morally upright citizens, concerned about the best interests of our society. They are perverse, self-centered and morally deprived individuals who are spreading their psychological disease into every area of our lives. Homosexual rights activists and those that defend them, are just as immoral as the pedophiles, drug dealers and pimps that plague our communities.

The last bit is what everyone is complaining about – equating gays with pedophiles, drug dealers and pimps…

For starters, he chose three interesting groups to compare us to. An argument can be made that drugs and prostitution should be made legal. And saying that all forms of sex between adults and “children” under the age of 18 are criminal is a bit of an outdated notion as well. Children need to be protected, but laws need to be re-evaluated given the changing nature of children’s sexuality.

All three of those groups are “complicated”. He didn’t compare us to rapists or murderers or even embezzlers. He compared us to groups who have complicated sets of issues – much as we have complicated sets of issues (which, thankfully, are becoming less complicated).

And I’m sure I’d fit his definition of “morally depraved”, but that’s not how I think of myself at all. I’m just trying to have a fun sex life. He’s trying so hard to see things in black and white…

I’m not sure how I feel about this. Joe. My. God. thinks it’s a bad precedent, I’m not so sure. Thing is, reading the letter, I disagree with him, I think he’s alarmist, but he’s not calling for physical action against gay people – per se. I don’t know that I would have found him guilty.

But at the same time I have enormous respect for the Canadian legal system. They’re a truly multi-cultural society (at least in the major cities), and these are the laws they have passed to protect the equilibrium in that society and protect minority groups. If he had said something similar about some ethnic group and a member of that ethnic group had been attacked, then there probably would have been the same ruling.

We have to remember gay people are being killed. At the same time people should be able to discuss all sides of the issue. It’s a really difficult balance.

In this case I’d give lukewarm support for the verdict in that the legal system is the correct place for this to be decided. If it’s overturned on appeal – so be it…

I think it’s also important that we as Americans don’t impose our values and norms on other countries. Canada isn’t the United States – they have a different way of dealing with these types of things. It may be interesting for us to discuss, but we need to respect their process since it’s done in good faith and attempts to balance the needs of all groups in a multi-cultural environment.

And we should not forget that this one letter, even if it wasn’t dripping with blood, did apparently result in one of us getting attacked. That is the real lesson here – little things do make a difference and bigotry does lead to physical violence.

Remember the whipping video I posted from IML? Damn! The thing has become really popular… It’s gotten over 110,000 views in about 10 days! It’s doing better than any of the other videos I posted on XTube – by far…

And it’s doing well on JizzFlixxx as well. They only count the views on the site, not the views from embeds and it had gotten nearly a 1,000 views last time I checked (their site seems to be having problems at the moment)…

Load 2008-30

I’ve been promising to write up this hookup for a while. It happened nearly a month ago – before I went to IML. Thing was, I had video of it, but didn’t have the time to edit it. Then I finally found the time to edit the video, put it up as a private video on XTube, but then the sub’s master never got back to him to approve the video… Finally the sub got enough other of his dom tops to say it was good, that I’m finally able to post it…

I should probably mention that I did a great hookup with another piss bottom yesterday and got a video of it – he was this masculine, musuclar Italian pig – very hot. But the video is going to be a pain in the ass to edit ’cause he has a bunch of tattoos and doesn’t want any of them to show in the video. But it’s coming and it’ll be pretty good…

So back to load 30… I’ve hooked up with this guy before – it was the hookup at the end of last year where I used him with another top. He’s a good, submissive bottom – he really gets into piss – but seems to like getting soaked in piss more than drinking it…

Last time it was mostly the other top’s scene, this time I wanted more control, so the hookup happened at my place. The bottom had already been fucked and pissed on by some other tops and had two loads in his ass. He made it clear that he wanted me to get other tops to use him, so when I saw this one guy online who was in the neighborhood I contacted him. The Brazilian guy had said he was interested in a 3-way. This was a very different scene than it would have been with the Brazilian guy but I contacted the top and he was game to come over, but he didn’t have much time.

The bottom was late getting here – in fact he contacted me when he should have been here already, but I told him about the other top and how he needed to get here right away if he wanted his load as well, so he hopped in a cab.

Turned out he got here just in time. I had never met the other top before. The bottom arrived, the top had been waiting outside and knew it was him. So the top came in right after the bottom. Since the other top was in a hurry I let him go first. The bottom got down on his knees and gave the guy a blowjob. I figured that would be a warm up for fucking him, but like 30 seconds later the guy had blown his load down the sub’s throat, zipped up and was outta there…

That was a bit of a weird start – but not in a bad way or anything. The sub knew I was going to film him, so I asked him if he wanted a hood. He said ‘no’ (I think they spook him).

He gets naked and I see another top has written “PIG” on his lower back with an arrow pointing down to his ass. Last time a top had written “Faggot Cock” on his dick – so getting stuff written on him is definitely something else this guy gets into.

I lead him to the shower ’cause I knew I wanted to piss on him, and we start off with a blowjob. Since he’s not wearing a hood I hold the camera up above him so you don’t see much of his face. And if you ever do see him from that angle – well, he’s already giving you a blowjob.

I had taken a couple pills before he came over and I think my dick looks pretty good in the video… I’m usually about fucking, but I gotta say I really like the oral parts in this video… I’m even using a screen capture from it as one of the pics in my online profiles.

Of course the point of putting him in the shower was watersports. We hadn’t discussed whether he’d drink the piss, but when it came time and I told him I wanted to piss, he leaned back and had me piss on him. I can’t show that part of the video ’cause it shows too much of his face. Plus, a lot of piss came out of the hole for my PA and since I was shooting from the top you can’t see that part. I had to try to piss in spurts so it would come out of the tip of my dick and show up on the video.

But you can see the puddle of piss in the video when I was done. The sub was all wet and had taken my piss and rubbed it all over his body. When I was pissing on him some of it even got in his hair… I should also mention my piss tends to be a bit rank and you could really smell it…

After I was done pissing on him, he dove onto my dick and kept sucking me… He was really turned on at this point – the piss does that for this pig. After a while I had him turn around. He starts fingering his hole and I ask him how many loads he had up there – “two Sir”… Love that part… I was thinking of fucking him, but figured it would be better in bed, so had him go into the bedroom.

I got him onto the bed, legs in the air. I was a little worried and had towels laid out. I didn’t want piss getting all over the sheets which would have disturbed my bf if he had noticed…

I fuck him a bit with his legs up, and then just didn’t want the distraction of the camera (I didn’t know where my tripod was, and didn’t think I could cum trying to hold a camera while I was fucking him), so I turned it off, flipped him over onto his belly and just fucked him.

It’s too bad you can’t transmit smells over the Internet ’cause the guy STANK! It was sorta like fucking someone in a public bathroom that hadn’t been cleaned in a month, only it wasn’t the bathroom that stank – it was him. I mean he really reeked… I can get into the musky smell of fresh piss, but this was piss gone bad. At first it was a bit off-putting, then I had the dirty bathroom picture in my head and I just fucked him like he was some piece of trash taking anonymous loads in some skanky bathroom. It was sorta hot actually…

Needless to say I got off and he took my load – the 3rd load he’d gotten in his ass that day…

I then had him go to the bathroom again and this time I told him to push out the loads he had in him. They just start running out. He catches some of them with his hand, and then licks the cum off his fingers. The guy proves he’s a good cumhole…

After we were done he put on his clothes and left. Needless to say he didn’t shower… He went out smelling even worse than when he arrived… Gotta love a pig like that (provided my neighbors don’t notice his smell)…

I’ve been chatting with him since then. He hasn’t taken any loads since that day. He’s always maintained that he’s neg and I’m inclined to believe him. Says he’s trying to be good and take less risk, but I know he’ll be back at it soon enough. You don’t walk away from barebacking when you get into it that much…

This one day I just about had him… He said he was wearing running shorts with no lining. I wanted to fuck him in the park next to me and then watch him walk around the park while my cum leaked out of his ass and down his legs for everyone to see…

Hopefully we’ll hookup again soon and I’ll douse him with more piss and put another creamy load up that sweet cunt of his…

So since I had my leather and was on a bit of an IML high, I figured I’d try out “Code Night” at the NYC Eagle. So I pulled on my chaps (over jeans) and my new Wescos and my bar vest and went out with my boyfriend (who was was in leather pants, a black T, and combat boots).

I hadn’t really researched it and we managed to get there 15 minutes before it opened @ 10pm, so when it did open we were some of the first people there.

Now the big surprise was that “code night” didn’t really have a dress code. Well, it sorta had one in that there was one part of the bar you weren’t allowed in unless you were dressed right. But that’s just sorta lame. At one point these guys walked into the “restricted” area – one of them was wearing flop flops and a white t-shirt. The fact that he was even allowed in the front door is just wrong… I mean he was cute, but flip flops and a white t-shirt?

The evening made me miss the LURE. Wednesday nights at the LURE were wonderful – there was this great mix of traditional leathermen and East Village punks. Then Friday and Saturday at the LURE you couldn’t get in the front door unless you were dressed appropriately. No tennis shoes (forget flip flops!), no “tendy” anything… And it was really busy.. That was a leather bar. The Eagle isn’t. It’s just sad…

There were a few leathermen around and some guys who were pulling off fetish pretty well. Like the guy in a nothing but a jock strap and high-tops.

The sexual tension was a bit mediocre. There was a guy who was showing ass in the bathroom. And when we went up the back stairs we interrupted two guys who were fucking on the deck near the stairwell – and that was about it. A few guys making out, but that hardly counts. It was nothing like the sexual activity at the Chicago Eagle during IML.

Since I was mostly hanging out with my boyfriend, I only talked to one guy (a hot Italian from Long Island) who got a little weirded out by the fact that I had a boyfriend…

It was a quiet night all in all… I’ll go again sometime – the nice part was that it was that the crowd was manageable enough that I could have talked to guys if I had wanted to…

Still, the leather scene in NY is dead. That part’s really sad…