A few of the stories I related from IML had to do with one particular guy (he’s the guy from the paddling/whipping video). When you read the story below you’ll see he took a huge step at IML and started taking any load from any guy he thought was hot – no questions asked.

This is a critical period in his life so I wanted him to get his thoughts during this period down “on paper” since memories often revise how things really were to suit the thinking at a later time. It’s important to note that he had a hard time verbalizing what he was feeling when he was at IML. These are his thoughts two weeks later…

To the extent I was part of his story I’ve linked to the appropriate blog post where I mention him…

I’m not advocating that other guys take the same steps he is. But I think his thinking needs to be heard. Processes like this are how guys become poz, yet pubic policy “experts” rarely take people like him into consideration. They’re much happier with the simple stereotypes – like young kids on Tina, but I suspect guys like this guy are far more typical than the stereotypes. These are the guys who tell their healthcare providers friends and loved ones “it was an accident, I’m usually pretty careful”…

I’ve been asked to write down my thoughts from IML, specifically my thoughts on becoming a cum hungry bottom who decided, for the first time, to take loads from all men there. Without asking their status or health. I took loads from guys who told me they were negative. I took loads from guys who either didn’t know or who I suspected were positive. I took loads from guys I knew to be positive, but had no idea of their viral load. And I took loads from guys I didn’t even bother asking.

I wasn’t as much of a cum dump as I could have been. Sometimes I chickened out and stopped before they came, reverting back to old excuses I used when I wanted to get barebacked but I didn’t want them to cum inside me (“I’m getting sore, I already came, etc.”). I meant to go to a few total all out bb fuck parties but other things came up that prevented that (whether or not I did that consciously). And frankly, loads are at a premium even at IML … it’s like the busiest night at the hottest bathhouse, and bottoms are so easy to find that the tops were saving their cum for the fuck parties or for the next hotter guy that might be coming along asking to get fucked. So altogether I took loads from about 10 different men there (and got fucked at Steamworks by quite a few men where I wasn’t entirely sure whether or not they shot inside me.) I thought that was a pretty good total, from someone who has barely started taking cum up my ass and has never taken multiple loads like that.

So the question is: what made me start taking loads, no questions asked? It seems like a fundamental change from a former safe sex bottom who’s been careful to stay negative after about 20 years of getting fucked (I started out life with a girlfriend, and then as a top, before I discovered I love getting fucked at about age 25). It’s really just a progression in how i’ve changed my thinking. And fundamentally, it’s an acceptance of the extreme risk I’m taking and the consequences of taking that risk.

I’ve been described, by someone who observed me on the weekend, as a bug chaser. I don’t see myself that way. I know that’s the probable consequence of what I’m doing, but I’m not seeking to become positive. It’s more that I’m indifferent about the possibility of becoming positive. All things being equal, I would prefer to remain negative, I would prefer to be one of those incredibly few people that are essentially immune to the virus. I truly see it more as a progression of acceptance of risk. Or, probably more accurately, I see it as an example of extreme behavior that men often engage in, extreme sports, hyper-aggressive driving, drugs, gambling, whatever. It’s my version of that. Living on the edge, reckless or indifferent to the consequences because the thrill of living that way is adequate pay-off.

For the first 10 years of my life of getting fucked I never got fucked without a condom. I never bothered getting tested, because knowing my status would not have changed my sexual practice in any way, since I always practised safe sex. When I met my current partner over 10 years ago, we both got tested (me for the first time), and we fucked each other without condoms. That was a sea change in my practice. Before then, I wouldn’t even swallow cum. At the same time, medications started getting better, and people with HIV were starting, slowly and not so easily, to live longer and more manageable lives. And I started to relax my restrictions. I love sucking cock, and I started to learn and to love swallowing cum down my throat. I craved that moment when a man’s cock started to throb and I would feel his cum shooting down the back of my throat. One man I sucked off a few times I found out was positive, and instead of freaking out I figured, “it’s just a different place on the risk spectrum, and not so far along where I was before, the real risk of HIV transmission is fairly small”. I concentrated on making sure I didn’t get cum near my gums, that it was all the way at the back of my throat, etc. I started to negotiate risk with myself, always consciously and deliberately. I gave up the notion of absolute risk reduction that I held in my 20s and early 30’s.

Then I started getting fucked without condoms. Just at the beginning, to tease myself. Or out in the park where it wasn’t easy to find a condom. Or in a backroom somewhere. Just for a minute, or two minutes, making sure I didn’t let the guy stay in me long enough to cum. (Knowing that it doesn’t take all that long for some guys … sometimes I would ask them not to cum inside me, and sometimes I’m pretty sure they did but I ignored the meaning of that). In those days it was pretty standard practice to pull out even if you were fucking bareback. Pretty soon, at the baths, I would always bring my condoms but I was as happy as not if the guy didn’t put one on before he fucked me. But I would always (try to) stop him before he came inside me. There were the usual tactics (see above). But the guy would usually ask whether he could cum inside me, or I would make sure he didn’t.

Then I got a boyfriend (on the side) with whom I had intense and incredible sexual energy. The first time we fucked with condoms. The second time I told him not to bother with the condom, and when I knew he was close I asked him to come inside me. And he did. And that was that. We fucked for the next 2 years, and I revelled and gloried in taking his cum (and piss) inside me whenever I could. I craved it. I lived for it. When we broke up, about 3 years ago, I felt empty and became obsessed with him, with cum, with piss, with being filled, being fulfilled, and all of that. It was only a matter of time before I needed to feel all of that inside me again.

Last year at IML I hooked up with someone I had met online, and he fucked me, and he came inside me. That was pretty much the first time since my boyfriend. (My partner and I no longer have sex … I guess that’s part of the story too.) I knew the guy was negative. I thought it was hot. I then met up with another guy, an incredibly hot daddy, who was the closest to my old boyfriend I ever met. The energy was intense for me. But he was positive. I craved his cum inside me. He fucked me bare, but we didn’t go that extra step. I felt cheated. I wanted more.

Then, two months later, I was getting fucked by a fuckbuddy (who I’ve always known is positive) … he’s always fucked me bare but has always pulled out to shoot his load on my back … with incredible control, I’ve got to admit. In the last year or two he’s played with the idea with me of not pulling out, he’s asked me to ask for his cum, but I’ve always refused. It was hot, and moreso because it was forbidden, socially taboo, a negative boy asking for his daddy’s poz cum inside him. But this time, last July, he was fucking me, and telling me to beg for his cum, and I was saying no, and he said “Just say, ‘load me up’. And I’ll do it.” And something in me clicked, and I wanted it so bad, and I said to him “Load me up. Please.” And he said “yeah, I’m going to shoot inside you and you’re finally going to take my cum”. And then I panicked, and I said “no, please don’t, I don’t want it yet” and he said “It’s too late fucker, you asked for it and I’m finally going to give it to you.” And he was pumping me harder, and holding me down, and I was crying “no, fuck no” and he started to shoot his cum inside me, and I came, an intense orgasm, shot a huge load in his sheets as he was cumming inside me, for the first time after years of fucking, and it was one of the most amazing orgasms I’ve ever had.

Since then, I’ve taken a few loads, but not so many. Some of them were poz loads. I’ve been tested since and I didn’t become positive. I’ve hooked up with some neg fuckbuddies and they dump in me regularly enough (about once or twice a month). I’ve become used to wanting and taking loads. And it’s at that point that I went to IML. I knew something would change this year for me there. I’d put my profile up on a bareback site. I’d talked openly with a couple of guys I chatted with before I got there about getting fucked and taking multiple loads of cum up my ass. I had planned to go to and got invitations to a couple of the bareback fuck parties. I tentatively planned a bareback fuck party of my own, inviting tops to come to my room one of the evenings to gang-bang me. I knew something would happen, but I didn’t know how far I’d let myself go. I wanted to have all the opportunities available.

I got my first load right away, from a neg top I’d been talking to quite a bit before I got there. Then I went to Steamworks, and lay on my stomach in my room letting pretty well anybody come in and finger my ass. Some of the men I wasn’t into, but the ones I was I lifted my ass and took some poppers and they knew well enough that was an invitation to climb on and fuck. The ones that wanted to put on a condom I told to leave. I got fucked multiple times, and I wanted to take loads, but by and large I didn’t get any (I only got one load for sure the entire evening, because men were walking in and out and fucking me for awhile but not coming). A few promised to come back and dump their load inside me at the end of the evening, but may have come by when my door was closed. But I had decided, by then, and for the rest of the weekend, not to ask status, to take loads from anyone, to let them cum inside me and to accept the consequences, whatever they were, and even to accept becoming poz, if that happened.

Why? For me, it was simply an acceptance of the risk. The benefits to me were immense … it was what I craved for years, to be a real cum dump, to take loads, multiple loads, from a bunch of hot men who wanted to dump inside me. To be completely and totally marked as a bottom. To have sex without fear of consequence. Asking status seemed redundant, or pointless, or somehow even rude. To accept loads from most men, why would I not accept loads from all? Chances are they might not know their status. I wasn’t going to insist on recent medical results. I wasn’t going to start asking for viral loads (on the theory that poz, but undetectable, men are as safe as neg men). If I was going to take one anonymous, unknown load, it seemed irrational that I wouldn’t take another one, or several, loads. I was clear-headed and purposeful in this decision. I would be (more or less) indifferent to who I allowed to cum inside me.

More or less. If I became positive, I would want to remember my sexual life (I would want to remember it in any event) as one of intense raw energy, of adventure and discovery, of hot sensual encounters that changed my way of thinking and of looking at things. I do not want men to fuck me, or cum inside me, just because they want to, or because I want some cum. I know this may sound contrary to what I’ve just set out above at great length, but frankly I don’t want just to get fucked by as many men as possible. I’ve got to be turned on by the situation, I’ve got to want the cum so bad it aches. So I organized a gang-bang, and although it didn’t turn out exactly the way I fantasized, it was still good, and a few men did come to my room and climbed on my hole and pumped a load up my butt. And that was a hot scene and it turned me on and the whole thing was worth it. But the hottest thing that night was that the first top who fucked me, who was also there, witnessed another dominant top come in and totally use my body (and mind), but he didn’t fuck me once. I responded to that as much, or more, than I responded to the anonymous loads. And that made me realize that there could be so much more to the weekend than being a complete cum dump. I spent the rest of the weekend trying to negotiate those two competing thoughts (as the dominant top put it, between being “just a hole” and being “more than a hole”.)

I think the man who asked me to write this down (the first top who gave me his load at IML), wanted me to record what I am thinking now, because I might live to regret my choice. He assumes, rationally enough, that I will become positive. That seems inevitable. He wants me to have this to remember why I did it. I won’t regret my choices, I’ve never done that. I understand pretty clearly why I’m at this point in my life. It’s not because of a lack of self-respect, or because of depression, or even a conscious self-destructive impulse. I’m pretty rational generally in my life choices. I live a healthy life, go to the gym often, don’t smoke or do drugs, and I’m in better shape at 46 than I’ve ever been in my life. I’m a professional, successful in my career, have many friends and am generally happy. I’m also at a point that if or when I do become ill, I’m set for that, with good benefits and a house and some money stashed away and other opportunities to explore if I can no longer work at my current job. I’m also at the age where I’m seeing friends, and family, die away, some senseless tragic deaths, not at all HIV-related: cancer, accidents, unforeseen events. Or quiet deaths, slipping away after long lives half-lived. Despite all appearances to the contrary, I don’t believe I’m being truly reckless about this. It’s not a coincidence that I’m doing this at this point in my life.

Was it worth it? Yes, for IML I believe it was worth it. I had fun, and I learned a few important things about myself, and my capacities (and limits … places I might want to explore or grow). Will I continue doing this? Yes, but maybe not as a complete and utter cum dump. It would depend on the circumstances. I would do another IML weekend, or Folsom or whatever comes up. Incorporating all that into my regular life at home, I’m not so sure. I really liked the special adventure of that weekend, and the incredible high it gave me. And also there’s the general issue of sexual health, HIV notwithstanding (I ended up with another, more mundane, STD from the weekend, and remembered that sexual health in general is something I have to be aware of and protective of both myself and others, if I want to continue having a good fun sexual life.)

Would I recommend it to others? No, not generally. I’m not advocating recklessness in sexual practice. I’m not advocating going out and becoming poz, or seeking it. It depends on your circumstances. I’ve always believed we have to live with the consequences of our actions. If you’ve thought through the consequences and you’re willing to live with them, then you’re capable of making your own choices.

It’s certainly an easier choice to make now than it would have been even 3 years ago … more and more people are barebacking, more people are fetishizing cum and breeding and getting bred, it’s become almost a norm of gay sexual practice. It may turn out that this was the right moment for all of that to happen because of the advance of HIV meds, it may be that it was too early. Time will tell. I’m aware of the potential impact of social practice and social discourse on my own behavior, and it gives me pause to think I’m just living through an historical moment and that’s affecting my behavior. That’s probably one of the reasons I resist being a total cum dump, I want to observe this social change for a moment and figure out how it does impact on my life, and then figure out the course I want to chart through it all. But for the moment I’m pretty happy with the direction I’m taking.

Building on the last encounter where the straight lawyer did sort of a dominance battle with me where neither one of us was exactly in control, I contacted the bottom I’d hooked up with a couple times so far – he was my first load at IML, and then later I fucked him with 3 other guys plus watched a dom top use him. Anway, I contacted him to see if he wanted to hang out and have drinks at the bar. He said yes, so I went up to his room. We chatted briefly, I told him I hadn’t cum in a while and didn’t know if I could, but if he wanted to work for it he might get it. As you might expect he did want to work for it…

He unbuttons my pants and just as he starts sucking my dick my phone rings. It’s my bf. I answer (while the guy is sucking my dick), and chat with my bf a little and then he asks what I’m doing later and I tell him I’m going down to the bar to have drinks. He asks with who, I tell him, and then say I should probably go, ’cause the guy is sucking my dick. My bf takes it in good stride and I hang up the phone and get down to business.

Long story short (’cause this is just the beginning), I give him a half way decent fuck. Pound him pretty hard, but just can’t cum (in hindsight, since this post has taken a while to get up, I had the beginnings of a cold and was feeling run down). So we wind it up and head downstairs to the bar.

Most of the people going to IML had left earlier in the day – the crowd at the bar was pretty sparse. There’s a bunch of Treasure Island guys there, including Brad McGuire. In general the mood at the bar is about the best I had seen it all weekend. Guys were happy, goofing around (one group kept throwing each other over their shoulders and horsing around). It was groups of friends, things were over and everything was really relaxed.

After two pints of beer I had to piss, so we headed upstairs. As soon as we got to my room there was no need to go to the bathroom – the bottom just got on his knees and drank every drop. Since it was beer piss he said it tasted better than the other night – less rank. Right after he drank my piss he got up and wanted to kiss. I wasn’t so sure about that one (didn’t really want to taste my own piss) and made the kiss pretty superficial.

Then I showed him the whip the top from earlier in the day had left, and we decided to start playing again… I had the puppy mitts out from the session with the top, so I put them on him (he hadn’t worn puppy mitts before), then we tried on a few hoods. The bottom really doesn’t like hoods – he had told me as much before. So I tried to start with a really thin spandex hood, but it was too small for him. Then we tried the thicker spandex hood and that worked, but since we were trying things out I put the leather hood on him next.

I knew being hooded was a big step for him, so we took it really slow and easy, and it was good I was someone he trusted… His initial panic subsided and I decided since he was hooded I’d take advantage of the situation, take pictures, use him, and videotape it. I put his legs in the air, pull down his pants, exposed his butt and well, the rest you can see in the video below… It’s probably my best video yet – nearly 18 minutes long… Basically I fuck him, spank him, and whip him, and paddle him…

I didn’t realize at the time exactly how stinging the other top’s whip was, but I paid attention to the bottom and his reactions to what I was doing and managed to not go past his thresholds… Still what you saw in the video above hurts like hell. It’s just the bottom likes a certain level of pain – earlier at the bar he had been showing me the bruises he got that weekend and remarking how he wished he had gotten more and bigger ones.

So what you see in the video was my most S/M experience at IML – glad I got it on tape! And next time I want a lot more like that – and even before next time I’ll be looking for bottoms who get into this stuff… I’ve got the one sub bottom who will let me go there (he’s load #30 that I still haven’t gotten up yet), but if any of you want to volunteer, let me know…

The bottom and I got to be pretty good friends at IML – we even met for lunch the next day and went to the Art Institute of Chicago before we left town… He’s got an interesting story to tell and I’m hoping he’ll write up his thoughts so I can share them here… Let’s just say he’s pretty much given up with risk reduction and knows full well what that means… He’s a sane, rational guy in a long-term relationship and is completely responsible in just about every other aspect of his life… He’s not what you’d expect of some one taking such a big risk…

UPDATE: Well, the bottom liked the video…

the video is great. it’s almost exhilarating watching my ass get redder and redder as you’re beating it, knowing how much it was hurting me and how much i was enjoying it. and yet watching it as a viewer, detached from the pain now, is an interesting experience. i think it is a good video and a good scene, it’s not all the same thing, it shows a good view of my red ass, it shows you off well and shows you very much in control, and it succeeds in dehumanizing me by hiding my face and head almost all the time, while focusing on my ass.

IML is over. There’s still one more post I need to put together – my one real S/M experience (other than the one where I mostly just watched), but it contains video, so I need to edit the video first.

Expectations vs. Reality

For starters the hotel wasn’t exactly a bathhouse. VERY sexual, but different than a bathhouse. I didn’t see any open doors or anything like that. I did see one cumhole that put a sticky note in the elevator lobby for each floor saying he was taking loads, but that’s about all I saw. Instead it was like a buffet. Login to your favorite hookup site, look for guys 0 miles away and have them come to your room. It was also a lot about private sex parties and gangbangs. The trick was 1) finding them, and 2) getting invited.

Going into it I had hopes of how many guys I’d fuck and how many I’d seed. I got my raw dick in 12 different holes and seeded 4 of them. It’s not bad, but I was hoping for a lot more than that. But it was my first time, and I know how I’d improve those numbers next time…

I was also suprised with how many native Chicago guys wanted to hookup. I guess I expected it to be mostly guys attending IML. When I wanted hole right then and there, it always seemed like the guy was 5 miles away and not at the hotel.

Highlights

Top three sexual experiences (in no particular order):

• Fucking the little kid. Probably one of my favorite fucks. It was vanilla, but he was close to my ideal cumhole…
• Whipping and fucking the sub bottom and having him drink my piss. Been WAY too long since I really inflicted some pain on a bottom. I liked it…
• The “tussle” with the forceful top. It opened my eyes to a different way of thinking about sex – in a good way…

It’s interesting that only one of those three involved cumming in a guy’s ass…

Fucking Jarod Steel was definitely notable, but not in the top three… Also notable was fucking the young little guy in the backroom of the Eagle.

I really liked Lake Shore Drive. I could see myself living on it, which says a lot… I also liked getting out and seeing some Frank Lloyd Wright stuff in Oak Park one afternoon…

Things I’d Do Differently

I didn’t expect to get things perfect the first time around. I went to see how it would be. But having seen it, there are things I’d do next time to make the most of it…

Next time I go I want to go with a “partner in crime”. Not that that I’d want to be joined at the hip or anything – but just someone to hang out with in the off hours. If it’s a top – someone to share bottoms with, if it’s a bottom someone to fuck when I need a nice wet hole… Nothing too serious, definitely not a pretend boyfriend for the week.

Spend less money. What this past week cost me is a bit crazy. The hotel (and parking) bill was $1,600. Then there was gas money of probably $300+, then Flex for $80, plus food, etc. I guess that’s not all that crazy, but it can be done less expensively and still have just as good of a time. I’d rather put the money toward more leather gear.

Having the partner in crime be a roommate would help a lot – half the room bill. Not driving would help as well. I had never been to Indiana and Illinois, and it had been ages since I was in Ohio and northern Pennsylvania. I’m glad I drove, but don’t feel the need to do it again next time. The stop over at Flex Cleveland was definitely something that could be dropped.

I’d eat better. There were some days when I only had one meal. Or one day my two meals consisted of a roast beef wrap and a big slice of pizza. My intestinal track was a complete mess and I had the runs by the end of the week from not eating properly. Once I had some decent food in me on a regular basis everything went back to normal – so I definitely need to eat better next time. I did lose 3 pounds this past week though.

I’d also skip the last day. There was a nice vibe the last evening, but all in all, it didn’t seem worth it to stay the extra day. However, I did meet the straight, forceful top – that was one really good thing that came out of it. He called today to talk… It’s not an anal sex thing with him, but I like where his mind’s at – a mix of desire and resistance…

I’d be more focused on one of the recon sites rather than BarebackRT. The point of the event is leather and fetish and the guys on BarebackRT are too vanilla.

I’d seek out and go to some sex parties next time as well. There were some guys who were going to two or more a night… Don’t know I’d do that many, but one a night (plus maybe a piss party) would be nice.

Next time I’ll do a lot more watersports… There were enough guys there who liked drinking piss, I really should have done more of that…

I’d force myself to go to all the competition events next time. I felt like I got disconnected from the actual contest and wish I had been more connected. Just a bad choice on my part…

I’d get a haircut before I went. IML just seems to prefer guys with really short hair…

I’d have fewer, but larger bags… I packed completely wrong for getting in and out of the hotel… Need more bags with wheels, etc.

Last night was my last night in Chicago. I did and S/M scene with a bottom in the early evening (got a video of it, so that post will come a little later), and then headed out to the Black & Blue Ball, which is basically a wrap up dance party for IML.

I got there a little early and the crowd was small. It was at a straight club, but one of the bartenders was a cute femmy gay guy who wore a collar, so I got drinks from him all night long.

I was wearing leather chaps over dark jeans, and just a leather bar vest up top (no shirt). The S/M crowd seems to like my belly, so I figured I’d show it off. I had worn pretty much the same thing at the Eagle a few nights before and liked the response I got from it – which is funny ’cause before I thought about going to IML I swore I wouldn’t be showing my bare belly… Now I think I look pretty good bare chested in a leather vest…

Anyway, that was a long diversion to also say I wore the whip I had gotten from the top earlier in the day on a ring on the side of my chaps. So I was dressed head to toe in leather, and was flagging whipping top. While the crowd was sparse and people actually noticed each other, I had a really good response to what I was wearing. One guy gave me a “woof woof”, and another guy stopped me, took a look at the whip and said “you can use that on me anytime.”

I’m not big on dancing – house music is one of the few things I enjoy dancing to. The DJ played some excellent deep house when things were a bit empty and then some good regular house music. So I got some dancing in… There was this hot otter who I really liked to watch dance to house music. Not many gay (white) guys are good at dancing to house, but he was. When the regular dance music came on he did these fan dance things… Otters are sorta cute. They’re an interesting combination of masculine and feminine (and bottoms!)…

Then things got a bit crowded, and I was just hanging around drinking and watching the crowd. As I was standing there this fairly attractive beefy guy comes up to me and tells me out of the thousands of guys he saw that weekend he liked me the most. OK… Let’s just say within 5 minutes of talking to him he used the ‘wife’ word (as in he wanted to be my wife)… He was coming on really strong. I didn’t really know if I even wanted to hookup and this guy had the flowers for the wedding picked out in his head…

We went downstairs to talk and on the way down I saw this guy come up the stairs who I had wanted to hookup with. He was a fisting bottom who said he’d teach me how to fist… We saw each other and then did a double take and each smiled a big smile and waived to each other.

After getting downstairs where it was quieter and hearing more of the guy’s story I started feeling like this was another disaster in the making. He said his friend that he came with was having lots of sex, but he hadn’t done anything and his friend had told him to get busy and hookup with someone… Thing was, he wanted way more than a hookup.

A few minutes after I started wondering how to get out of the situation he notices the wedding band on my finger. His face becomes completely crestfallen. It was like he just got sucker punched. I know it’s horrible, but my mind started turning – this was my way out… So over the next 5 minutes or so I patiently worked him toward the conclusion that I wasn’t the right guy for him – that he needed someone different. He was just about ready to hookup with me anyway, but I didn’t want it…

After getting out of that I roamed around the club a bit looking for the fisting bottom. I didn’t think anything would come of it, but still wanted to at least touch base with him, but I never did see him…

I had told myself I wanted to be in bed by 1am, since I had to drive the next day and driving when you’re tired is miserable (and dangerous – did you know it’s more dangerous to drive tired than drive drunk? Well, maybe not seriously drunk, but what counts for DWI in some states isn’t as bad as driving tired.) So I left around midnight and figured I’d head up to the Eagle again since I knew they were trying to do another big event…

But when I got to the Eagle it was dead. Not dead exactly, but since they had opened up the dance floor upstairs people were so spread out that it felt dead. The dark room had some people in it, but not many. I stood around in the darkroom and a couple guys gave me a blow job, but I didn’t know whether I was up for fucking anyone, and didn’t see anyone that inspired my dick, so I left.

I managed to get back to the hotel at 1am, so I was close to being on schedule. As I was walking down the hall to my room I see this guy in underwear getting ice from the ice machine. He’s acting pretty weird, and pretty quick I realize he’s totally tweaked. Imagine Johnny Depp in “Pirates of the Caribbean” – now image it’s a hot little, somewhat muscular bottom boy who’s tweaked on god knows what… Let’s just say he got my dick hard. After the first interaction, he took the ice back to the room and then came out into the hall again. His friend came out wondering where he was and we met. Then his friend went back to their room and tweaked bottom started feeling me up in the hallway, then I pulled out my dick and he bent over and sucked it a little.

I so wanted him to come into the room so I could fuck him. His body was all sweaty from the drugs, and it’s an under statement to say he was my type… The idea of seeding his hot little ass got me going… I should have just pulled him into the room and fucked him – he was “impressionable” and I probably could have had at least a quick fuck, but he went back to his room and didn’t come out again… Guess someone else got lucky with his ass…

So I got to bed at 1:30…

Coming back from breakfast this guy comes onto me in the elevator. He’s flagging whipping top. He asks if I want to hang out and i say sure… He’s a hot, lean, older guy who looks “complicated”…

Walking down the hall he asks me what I like and I say I’m a top. He’s a top as well (obviously), so I wasn’t quite sure how it would go. The maid was cleaning my room when we got there, so after making out a little he splits and says he’ll be back in 5 or 10 when the maid is done. I lay down on the bed thinking he probably won’t be back, but then there’s a knock at the door and he’s back.

It was weird hooking up with him… He was really forceful and physical. When I put puppy mitts on him it was like I was wrestling him to put them on, but he was perfectly willing to have them on. Then I locked the puppy mitts together with a heavy lock. Shortly after I did that I realized it wasn’t necessarily a good thing to do. He put a puppy mitt on each side of my throat and it was clear he could have choked me if he wanted to, and given how forceful and strong he was it wouldn’t have gone well for me if he had had his mind set on hurting me.

But he didn’t. I could tell he liked dominating me, he liked the power and control aspect of what was going on. He was hard the entire time. It wasn’t really my style of sex at all, and I definitely wasn’t in control of the scene, but then again it’s not like he was in complete control either.

At certain points I tried to make it about his hole – fingering it, rimming it a little, but he didn’t really want that (not that his dick got soft or anything)… I knew he was into spanking (at least as a top) since he had asked me early on if I liked to get spanked. When I spanked him he had a strong reaction – he was totally turned on, but also didn’t like it. He liked to kiss, but almost never on the lips. The whole scene was a weird combination of tenderness and force. Which is what S/M is all about anyway, right?

When I had his pants down he wanted me to lick his balls. I did, but then I brought out my cock and ball whip and he was in heaven. He really got off on that. He asked what else I had, and I showed him a few paddles and used those on him briefly.

Then he wanted to use them on me. By this point I was pretty comfortable with him. I knew he wasn’t going to hurt me – he just liked things a little rough, so I took the puppy mitts off and told him he could do what he wanted if he was gentle. He was actually too gentle – I had to tell him he could go harder…

Then he wanted to ride me like a pony. He got on my back and I took him around the room, then got on all fours on the bed and he rode me there.

It then sorta wound down. I think part of it was he liked it better when I fought back and towards the end there I was more submissive than he liked.

So after yesterday’s experience, I guess I have to revise what I said. I can be a bottom. Never for anything anal, but there’s a lot of other things in the S/M experience and if I trust the top, I’m good… It’s not like I’m going to want it constantly (I never got hard in the scene with this guy), but I gotta say it’s an interesting change from the ordinary.

As he was leaving he asked where I was from and what I did. I found out he’s a married “straight” lawyer who likes hooking up with guys behind his wife’s back. He had to leave to get back to work, where his wife thought he was. As he left he rolled his pants over his big shiny boots, to blend in more on the street… Curious guy…

Oh yeah, he left me the home-made whip he had been carrying around. It’s made out of plastic coated wire and has knots in it. I tried it out on myself after he left and it’s actually a pretty good whip. Stings a little, but is still pretty “soft”...

UPDATE: Later that evening I noticed the message light was flashing on my phone in the hotel room. Turned out the guy wants to hook up again when he’s in New York. Gave me his number so I could call him. I texted him instead, and he took a while to get back to me, but he did. I think it could be interesting… If nothing else, it’s different and by playing with him, it’ll expand how I use sub bottoms…

After the disaster early yesterday evening, which followed the uneventful night the night before (thanks to the same person), I pretty much took control of things and made sure I had a decent night last night…

I determined that drinking alcohol was a recipe for disaster for my cock, so I went down to the bar in the lobby and had a ginger ale, then had a slice of pizza and then headed back to the Eagle since it had shown some promise the night before. I got to the Eagle a little early – like 9:30 and there were only maybe 15 or 20 customers there, so after drinking a Coke I decided to go next door to Man’s Country.

Man’s Country is a really old (and old-style) bathhouse. The room had chipboard on the walls (cheap plywood) that had been worn really smooth and darkened over the years. The crowd wasn’t nearly as attractive as Steamworks. IMHO, the primary reason to go to Man’s Country is because it’s next door to the Eagle…

I got a room, which turned out to be a good thing since all evening I’d rest a little in the room with the door shut and jack my dick until it got hard, put a cock ring on it, and then sit in the room showing my cock which stayed nice and hard. When I got bored sitting there I’d take a walk around to see who there was to fuck.

On my first walk around I saw this muscular, light-skinned black guy laying on his stomach face towards the door. I went into his room, rimmed his ass, then when we stood up and he did this awkward thing to get me to suck his nipple I realized he was a bit of a freak. But he had a really nice, tight, muscular body so I put up with it. Long story short we fooled around and then he grabbed a condom at which point I said “no condoms” and that was pretty much the end of it. As I was putting my towel on he was sitting on the bed and did this thing with his leg to figuratively kick me out of the room. It came off as very prissy queen…

There were a lot of guys who just blew me. In some cases I didn’t really want to pursue anything further with them, in one case I didn’t really want to fuck him and on top of it he kept pushing a condom almost the point of being funny – he bent over and put the condom on his back just above his ass…

Then this guy came by who blew me for about 5 seconds and then said, “Do you like to fuck?” I said “yes”, so he got on all fours on the bed and presented his ass for me. I got up, inserted my dick and fucked him. He had a good hole and was telling me to breed him. I asked him whether he had loads in him already – since it sorta felt like it, and he said he had three in there. I pulled out my dick and rimmed him, but couldn’t taste any cum, and he made it clear he wanted to get fucked, not rimmed, so I went back to fucking. It was my first fuck of the night and didn’t really want to cum yet so when he asked if I could cum I said I wasn’t ready to yet… He understood, but that was pretty much the end of it…

Later in the evening, between blowjobs, I was walking around and saw this tall black guy on his stomach. I went in, he blew me to get me hard, and then I fucked him. He was really into getting fucked raw and taking loads (especially from big white guys). I gave him a good fuck, but didn’t cum.

There were a few other guys laying on their stomachs, but with the ones I was interested in, none of them wanted to hookup with me, which was OK… Whatever. There was also this chalkboard in the bathroom and people put messages there if they were taking loads. The funny part was when I first saw it another guy commented that there wasn’t any chalk to write messages, which means the bottoms bring their own chalk (sorta funny). Thing was, none of the cumholes on the message board really did it for me, so never did even try to fuck any of them.

So around 2am I knew the Eagle had been busy for a while (the room I was in was under the Eagle and I could hear the people moving around in the bar like a herd of cattle over my head). I had fucked two guys and gotten blown by probably a half dozen more. There weren’t that many new guys coming in, so I figured I’d head to the Eagle.

The Eagle was really busy when I got there. I went into the back bar area and saw guys getting sucked and one guy getting fucked. Then I headed into the small dark room area where I saw this guy I had fooled around with the night before having sex. He was getting blown and I spotted him when he was in the middle of his orgasm. He recognized me and we sorta felt each other up as he was leaving the room. I tried to get into the room but it was too crowded and hot, so I turned around and walked around a little before.

When I tried again I was able to work my way into the room and saw this short, thin, young, black guy bent over, giving head. I felt up his ass and his body and he was really hot. He was dark-skinned and had a harnass on. When I got close enough, things wrapped up with the top he was sucking and he turned his attention to me. I really wanted to fuck him, but he seemed like he just wanted to give me head, which he did for a while. Then when he stood up one time he finally got the point that I wanted to fuck him. He turned around and presented his ass to me. I got down and started rimming him… Then stood up an fucked him.

It was really crowded in there, and difficult to get in a good position for fucking, but we finally got things pretty well sorted out. He was bent over a long urinal (which reaked of piss) and I pounded him. I should mention there was this latin (?) kid in there who was watching everything. When I was getting blown I tried to feel him up, but he would push my had away, but as soon as I started fucking the black kid the latin kid got interested and started trying to feel my dick in the black kid’s ass, and feeling me up… I fucked the black kid for a while (for fucking in a dark room), but wasn’t able to cum before he had had enough. When we stopped we kissed and he thanked me before leaving.

Then, next to me, there was big white guy getting fucked. I’m pretty sure he was the same guy who was getting fucked in the bar area when I first came in. When the top was done with him, he blew my dick briefly before turning around and giving me his ass. His legs were considerably taller than mine and his ass was shall we say “meaty”, so it wasn’t the best fit. I had to stand on my toes to fuck him. I did it for a while, but could see it wasn’t going anywhere, so quit. He then turned around and let another guy fuck him. I held his head on my shoulder and whispered in his ear how he was a good boy getting fucked and taking loads. When that guy was done with him, he turned around and I fucked him a little more, but again, not the right “fit”, so it didn’t last long.

Meanwhile the little latin guy was still standing there and seemed somewhat interested, but nothing came of it. The big cumhole blew him about the time I wanted to get out. I was hot and drenched in sweat. It felt good to get out into main area where it was nice and cool.

I started talking with the Latin guy I had seen the night before. He had also been in the dark room and saw me fucking the little black kid. He said he wanted me to fuck him, so after we both had a drink we went into the backroom and after rimming him briefly, I tried to fuck him, but I just wasn’t hard enough. It was a combination of a lot of things, but it just didn’t happen right then and there, so we gave up and got out of the dark room.

I told him I wanted to bring him back to the hotel and fuck him. I even waited around for a while while he said he was going to go tell his friends he was leaving, but when push came to shove he didn’t really want to do it and said since I hadn’t been hard enough to fuck him I must not be into him. I hadn’t been all that hard when I was fooling around with him the night before, so I could see his perspective. I knew it would go well if we weren’t trying to do it in a backroom, but he didn’t know that and I wasn’t going to try to convince him.

So I left. On my way home I ran into a guy who wanted a lift to the hotel. He comes regularly and said this IML hasn’t been as good as others. A lot of people stayed home for financial reasons and he didn’t think things were as crowded as they had been in the past. It was an interesting comment. The funny part was when we got to the hotel he wanted to give me a kiss. When he was done I realized my beard probably smelled of ass – wonder what he thought…

When I got back to my room I was still horny and didn’t have any problem getting a full hardon, so I got onto BarebackRT and looked for someone to take my load. After a few messages I found a guy who was a few floors above me and came over.

The guy was a hot, beefy, shortish white guy. Had a nice body on him and was pretty attractive – even cute in a rough around the edges sort of way… It was late and we both knew what we wanted, so we got down to business pretty quickly. I rimmed him and then fucked him – on all fours, then on his belly, then all fours, then on his belly and then on his back… Problem was, there was a point I could tell I wasn’t going to be able to cum, so we finally just wrapped it up and he left. Even so, it was a good fuck…

And even though I didn’t actually seed any ass, it was a good night. Got my dick in 5 raw holes, and had a bunch of blowjobs. It was certainly a lot better than the night before or what happened earlier in the evening.