The criminalization of HIV is a huge problem – especially for the bareback community because so many in the bareback community are poz and bareback sex is the leading cause of HIV infection. If you’ve been reading this blog for a while now you know I’m a huge advocate for personal responsibility. I believe it’s the neg guy’s responsibility to ask about status and protect himself as necessary. And I believe it’s the poz guy’s responsibility to not lie when a sex partner asks about his status (evading the question I can sorta understand in some situations, but outright lies are a huge no-no).

The problem is that too often the law doesn’t work that way – remarkably the neg guy isn’t responsible for his own health – all the blame gets put on the poz guy who can get sent off to jail because he didn’t answer a question that was never asked. But not only that… Poz guys can get put in jail even if there was no harm done and his accuser is still HIV negative.

The impact of stigma on the lives of real people is the topic in this week’s In The Life broadcast and they focus a lot on the criminalization of HIV. Take a few minutes and watch the video…

Continued in part two…

If you think the status quo is OK because a few states have gay marriage, think again. The program pointed out that Iowa has gay marriage, but they also have one of the most draconian HIV criminalization laws in the US.

With the US swinging right politically we’re going to see more of this sort of thing. While being a vocal radical isn’t everyone’s style, take the little day-to-day steps that, together, can make a big difference. Here’s a map showing the states that have criminalized HIV. Next time you take a vacation – go to one of the white states. New York and New England are a great place to go. 🙂  Or if you’re thinking of moving – pick a white state.

Even if you’re not poz you should care about this because people you know are poz and (especially if you’re a barebacker) you could be poz at some point.

And don’t forget to bring HIV criminalization up in conversations with friends. Tell your friends the stories you saw in the videos… It could be you in those videos or it could be one of your friends…

I had a long IM chat yesterday with Mason Wyler (a bit over an hour). As a result of the chat my opinion of him has changed for the better…

The last week or so he’s had a lot of shit thrown at him. Someone outed him as poz before he was really ready to make it public, and then, given his history, people started saying all sorts of things about him. Some people even started openly wondering whether this was a bit of a publicity stunt. The skepticism comes from the fact that previously he said he had been raped but then then didn’t follow through with the police investigation. People then wondered whether there was merit to the rape allegations – thinking it had all been a publicity stunt. So this time some people wondered whether this too was a publicity stunt.

Well, after talking with him, I tend to believe 1) he really was raped, and 2) he really is poz.

For me the thing that really made me not particularly like him (as a person) was his blog post back in October 2008. Even to this day I think it’s pretty hostile to poz guys and guys who bareback. He swears I misread it and he his intention was to make fun of the stupidity of people who do fear-based anti-bareback campaigns. I’ll let you decide what you think of it. At a minimum I think you’ll be able to see where it can be interpreted as hostile, even if that wasn’t his intention. The real issue was the he didn’t communicate his thoughts clearly enough in that blog post. He looks at it and sees his original intention, but others of us fail to see that intention. But he’s a porn star, not a copy editor – so I’ll excuse that now that I’ve heard his side of things.

After chatting with him for an hour the worst thing I can say about him is that prior to testing poz he didn’t have any poz friends – so he may not have really understand what it’s like to be poz. That’s hardly a crime. Apparently his day-to-day life is pretty solitary – it’s just him and his boyfriend. I have a similarly codependent relationship and if we weren’t in Manhattan and if my bf weren’t a “people person” I’m sure I’d be in a similar situation. Now he’s starting to chat with some poz guys, but they don’t live near him – but at least he gets to interact with them one way or the other. I really think that will help him.

I still think that the ‘milieu’ he was in was not all that great. For example, his production company refuses to work with poz guys – they won’t even pair poz guys up with each other and have them do condom porn. To his production company, if you’re poz you’re an undesirable leper. As a result when he became poz he assumed his porn career was over because that’s what he was told by his production company – the anti-poz crowd was the only reality he really knew. I think he’s just now realizing that’s not the case – that he’s totally welcome in bareback porn, and there are other condom porn companies that don’t have a problem with him either.

It won’t surprise me if the world of condom porn continues to shun poz guys – there’s a reason why we call them “Condom Nazis”. In fact I sorta dare any (major) condom company to break the conventions and use Mason as a regular performer (more than a few scenes). It’s a statement that really needs to be made – that you can be poz and sexy and there’s a (sex) life after testing poz.

Strangely, the poz-hostile condom producers (who are supposed to be pro-condom) are basically saying condoms are only for neg guys, which means condom usage tends to continue to based in fear – it’s all about neg guys protecting themselves from dirty/evil poz guys. To me that’s just incredibly divisive…

Anyway, back to Mason… After an hour talking with him I really got the sense that he’s a sweet, somewhat submissive guy… He kept calling me ‘Sir’ which was pretty endearing. I don’t know if he just knows the buttons to push with guys like me or if he’s genuinely that way, but I liked our chat a lot… I kept getting the sense that he was sorta vulnerable and that he needed a protector. My daddy instincts kept getting triggered with him… 😉  He would make an incredible boy for some top daddy…

The other side of him is the persona of Mason Wyler. He’s sorta built up this persona that he’s a total slut, and while there does seem to be a side of him that enjoys being a slut (he’s been in 200+ porn videos in about 5 year – averaging one every 9 days for 5 years), his day-to-day life is way more boring and average than that. It seems the persona he created works against him at time like this (and probably back when the whole rape thing was going on). People see the image of a slut and trivialize what he goes through when it comes to things like rape and HIV.

So what’s Mason’s future look like? Well, his porn career will change somewhat… Unfortunately, while there are poz guys in condom porn many of them don’t like to discuss their status, which means all of them have to sorta stay in the closet about their HIV status. As soon as one of them is known to be poz (like Mason) the assumption is that the guys he does scenes with are poz. I hate closets and lies… The whole idea that poz guys can’t be open about things just bugs me.

That means I’d guess Mason will mostly be doing bareback porn (where being poz is no big deal) even though he’s open to both condom and bareback. But he really prefers bareback – so much so that he wishes could start his own bareback porn production company (though he doesn’t have the capital to do it). Frankly, I’m really glad he’ll be doing bareback porn. I’m totally looking forward to featuring it here on the site. It’ll be hot seeing him take loads 😉

In terms of Mason’s personal future – I get the sense he still has a few things to figure out about being poz, but that’s to be expected. Hopefully he’ll get some poz friends and compare notes. If you’re in Houston and poz (and don’t want to just get in his pants) you might try hitting him up – I got the sense he’d really like a local poz buddy…

But all in all, he’ll be fine… I’m guessing he’ll be better than ever a year from now…

First the good news…

The Dutch have figured out that a person who is diagnosed at 25 will live an average of another 52.2 years – meaning they live into their upper 70s and have a pretty normal lifespan. So as we’ve sorta known for a while now – HIV is genuinely going from a “killer” to an “inconvenience” and that tren will probably continue as years go on. I don’t mean to diminish how big of a hassle being poz can be, but if you get diagnosed quickly and generally take care of yourself, it would appear you no longer need to worry about your life being cut short because of HIV/AIDS. But getting diagnosed fairly quickly is essential…

[That should be very good news for the 18 y.o. Teen Cumhole I talked about in my last post…]

Now for the bad news…

The bad news is that they’re not so optimistic in Africa. The South Africans are suggesting that everyone who becomes poz be put on meds immediately whether they need the meds or not. When you think that a lot of the people who are dying of AIDS today are people who are having serious complications from the meds they took 10 and 20 years ago, that’s a dangerous policy. I’m all for people taking the meds they need, but I’m a fierce opponent of medicating people who don’t need it.

The issue here is really one of which comes first – the rights of the individual or protecting the wider community from the danger posed by the individual? Americans will usually say the individual comes first, but in Europe and elsewhere the community comes first. But I think it’s important to remember the good news from the first part of this blog post – IF you get diagnosed early and are financially able to get treatment there really is very little risk to the community. But in poor countries like South Africa they don’t have the money for great treatment and so they have debates like this. I just hope no one in the first world tries to make an argument for mandatory medication… That would just be horribly wrong.

A guy just wrote me the following letter. Thought I’d share it..

First off… Big fan of your Porn work. I would always search your name in my favorite search engines. But then I ran across your personal web page and started to read your personal blog page… I know that what you are talking about doesn’t always show all the aspects of you… meaning that in the context of what you are talking about(or selling/advertising), doesn’t necessarily show the “real” you, I was however,disappointed.When I looked at you, I saw a caring, responsible, loving person, characteristics that your blog doesn’t portray. I hope that you are more then what your blog portrays you as, ( an uncaring, selfish lover, only interested in his on satisfaction). In the real world, we as gay men want a satisfying sex life, along side a satisfying LIFE as whole, coming home to someone that loves you, not any “hole” that you can “fill up” and then send on his way. As a professional in the Medical business,( a mental health therapist), I can tell you that the “holes” that you are “filling up”, are actually lonely human beings looking for companionship anyway that they can, and feel that the only possible way to do this, if only for a short while, is with their ass in the air waiting for you to fill up, not only their asshole, but also the hole that they have inside themselves trying desperately to fill. But sadly, after you are through with them, it leaves them with only a bigger hole to fill the next time.

I hope that you take this into consideration when looking for you next “hole” to fill.

My response to him was this…

It’s not my job to fix the emotional problems of the bottoms I fuck. It sounds like you want me to form relationships and deep bonds with the bottoms I fuck. I’ve got a boyfriend and if I were putting my emotional energy into what you’re asking it would threaten the relationship with him. That’s not going to happen. When I fuck a bottom it’s no strings attached. In most cases I do cuddle with the bottoms afterwards, but chances are it’s just going to be a one time hookup. And I do mention cuddling and talking with the bottoms in my blog.The “empty holes” you’re talking about need meaningful friends. They need boyfriends. While I’m a firm believer that you can find those by having sex (I met my bf in a bathhouse and we’re still together 12 years later), finding friends shouldn’t be the the reason someone has sex. The people who try to find friends in sex often wind up in the PNP crowd and destroy their lives in the process.

So don’t lecture me about how I act towards the bottoms I fuck. Their problems aren’t going to be fixed through sex. They’ll be fixed by going out and spending quality time with friends, and by finding a boyfriend. I’m guessing the people you’re talking about are picky and have passed on many guys who would be really great boyfriends. And then when they find one it’s either the wrong type (someone who’s abusive), or they don’t know how to compromise and lose him… None of that is a sexual problem.

Let me make something really really clear… If you’re one of those holes he’s describing – ask yourself why you’re lonely. Choose to fix the problem. Go out and get involved with something and make some friends. Play a sport, sing in a choir, join an S/M group – whatever… And then give your friends the attention it takes to maintain the friendship. If you’ve got friends and don’t like coming home to an empty apartment/house – get a dog (and give it the attention it needs).

And if you find a boyfriend, treat him well and learn to compromise. When you feel like breaking up ask yourself what percentage of the relationship works. No relationship is perfect – if you dwell on what’s wrong, you will break up. Concentrate on what’s right. If what’s right isn’t enough, and you’re honestly not looking for perfection, then that’s a decent reason to break up. Or if there are serious issues like the guy being genuinely abusive – then leave (quickly). But I honestly think the reason why I’m still with my bf 12 years later is because we put up with each other. Overall we’ve got a great relationship, but there are times when we have big problems and little things that irritate each of us – but we put up with the things we don’t like and get back to what’s right – that’s why we’re still together.

Now, if you’re a “hole” then something in you likes the sex. You’ll definitely want to find someone who’s OK with random, no strings attached sex. Monogamy is probably a really bad idea in your case. Sexually, your boyfriend should get off seeing you get fucked or when he discovers someone else’s cum in your ass… I think sluts think they can’t have boyfriends. I’ve never understood that – what good top wouldn’t want to find his boyfriend’s ass is prelubed with someone else’s cum?

And for god’s sake – just because you’re a sub bottom doesn’t mean you have to be passive about getting into a relationship. Even subs can communicate what they want… “I’d love to stay here and have you fuck me all night”, “I’ll do anything you want Sir – if you want other guys to fuck me, I’m OK with that”, “You can call me anytime – I want as many loads from you as possible”… And if a sub can communicate what they want, then anyone can… Don’t assume you have to let the top take the lead in initiating the relationship – make it clear you’re available and interested (without coming off as too needy or desperate).

Anyway, enough of my soapbox. I know the holes I fuck are real people – but the “empty holes” aren’t going to have the emptiness filled by cum and anonymous sex. That takes real relationships and they take more time than a 15 minute hookup (or even an hour hookup)…

UPDATE:

I’ve corresponded with the guy some more… Turns out he used to be straight – was even married with kids and his boyfriend has “a similar background”. He’s in a pretty small town and has had sex with very few men. So bottom line he has a straight / small town sorta mentality about sex. He doesn’t even know anyone who’s really a cumhole – so his talking about them feeling empty, etc. was all just idle speculation. That sorta explains it, doesn’t it? Amazing how guys like that think they understand things they have no experience with.

Here’s an e-mail I received… I get a lot of questions like these, so I thought I’d share my answer and let others chime in as well…

Hi rawTOP,

I know you’re really busy (I read your blog, huge fan) so I’ll try to keep my fan letter brief. I can tell you’re a really smart guy. You don’t sugar coat your opinions, and you don’t back down from your positions. This makes your writing extremely gratifying and affirming to read. I know I can point my browser to your site, read some hot, mind-blowing posts, blow my load, and be happy for the day.

I guess that this is the problem. Lately, I’ve gotten more and more preoccupied with bb sex (reading about it, thinking about it, beating off to it). I used to think of your blog as a simple “safety valve” for these raw fantasies. But now, more and more, I’m finding myself swayed by your astute and foreceful arguments.

I guess, to get to the point, I’m hoping you’ll give me some guidance in this. I’m 22, just graduated from a really good school (ivy league) and since the job market is so shitty and my degree (liberal arts) is so useless, I’ve been escorting a bit to pay my rent, which has actually been really fun. I’m in a young, uninhibited time, and I’m plagued by hot dreams of going “all the way” as it were, taking raw loads from all cummers (generally, while vers for “professional” reasons, I’m a happy sub bottom when I’m off the clock).

In your extensive experience, do you think I should just go for it already, and maximize my fun while I’m young and carefree? Or do you think there are other factors I need to consider? I’m very curious about your opinion, since I look up to you. Do you have any words of advice?

My response…

You didn’t mention whether you were neg or poz. If you’re poz it’s simple – be a cum dumpster and have fun. There’s actually research out there that poz guys who take loads do better since their body is constantly being asked to defend against new strains of HIV. Fighting the other strains of HIV actually helps the body fight it’s primary strain of HIV and keep viral levels relatively low compared to poz guys who avoid sex or rubber up.

But I’m assuming your neg – hence the angst. Every person is different – there’s no single correct choice. There are guys for whom it’s not a question – always bareback or always with a condom is just 100% natural for them. The fact that you’re even asking the question says something, but like most of us you’re probably in the middle somewhere.

I can’t make that decision for you. All I can do is give you some guidelines… First would be to be realistic. If becoming poz would totally freak you out – don’t bareback. But also don’t pretend there’s no risk or never think about the risk. Be honest with yourself. There are ways to reduce the risk of bareback sex – but never pretend you’ve reduced the risks to zero. And whatever you do, if you become poz – don’t blame someone else. It’s your life – take control of it and own it.

Look at other areas of your life and ask yourself what sort of person you are… Do you take risks just to experience things and have fun or are you more calculated in your risk taking? Pick an approach to sex that’s consistent with who you are on a fundamental level.

These days you’ll probably live a long life even being poz, but it will probably cut short your retirement. If that’s not OK with you, then reduce your risk.

If you’re not familiar with PrEP you should read the article in The Daily Beast. The guy who wrote the article contacted me a couple weeks ago, but I didn’t have much of anything interesting to say other than the fact that I’m completely against it…

If you’ve never heard of PrEP here’s a little history… It comes out of the concept of PEP (Post Exposure Prophylaxis) where they give people who are exposed to HIV drugs for a month after exposure to prevent HIV from taking hold in their bodies. It’s a particular mix of the same anti-retroviral drugs (ARVs) that people with HIV take. It was proven effective in hospital workers and then they started giving it more broadly to guys who had guilt after a night of raw sex.

Well, PrEP takes that a step further and thinks if ARVs are good after exposure then maybe negative guys who are barebacking regularly should just be on ARVs all the time. It’s PRE Exposure Prophylaxis.

Let me put this bluntly – you should only take powerful drugs like ARVs when you have a serious medical problem and you have no other option. Taking highly toxic drugs when you don’t need to take them is just stupid. Think about all the side effects and the damage they can be doing to your body. Developing a resistance to ARVs before you need to be taking them is stupid as well. Don’t be stupid.

Personally I think that PrEP is a product of guilt and fear. Guilt from having unprotected sex, and fear of HIV. It’s never smart to make decisions based on guilt or fear. You need to live a life where you don’t regret your decisions. If you’re going to bareback (especially if you’re bottoming), be honest with yourself and accept the risks. Barebacking is a risk/reward situation like all of the others you encounter in your life. If you can’t deal with the risk, don’t bareback. It’s really that simple. If you’re living a life you’re ashamed of, taking loads and then regretting it the next day – then I pity you… You should be getting off on the loads that are leaking out of your ass… 😉

It’s really a choice of a long life filled with fear and shame or a somewhat shorter life where you feel good about yourself and your choices, and you make the most of every moment – including every moment of your sex life. To me it’s not even something I have to think twice about. I’d rather live to 70 and enjoy the moment than live to 85 and feel like I missed out.

I’ve heard poz guy after poz guy say that becoming poz changed them for the better. While they wish they were still negative, finding out they were poz changed their outlook on life and they get more joy out of their life now than they did when they were neg. My boyfriend who died of AIDS years ago had a note on the fridge that said “Don’t Postpone Joy”. That is how you should be living your life – whether you’re neg or poz.

For some of you a life of no regrets means a life using condoms. That’s fine if that works for you. For the rest of you – embrace the risk (don’t fear it), and understand that it’s what comes with the reward of a fulfilling sex life – find the right balance of risk and reward, go forward and don’t look back… And for god’s sake, don’t fuck up your health by taking toxic meds you don’t actually need when there’s nothing wrong with you (other than guilt).