Went to The Eagle last night after going to see the new Harry Potter movie. It was threatening to rain but the roof deck was packed with people. We managed to find a decent place to stand and other than dealing with people who were too drunk to observe NY norms of personal space it was pretty good. However, there was one guy behind me that kept backing into me hard enough that I’d just about spill my beer. Had he actually made me spill it I was tempted to pour the rest all over him…

Anyway, we’re standing there and who’s standing directly in front of me next to the bar? Michael Musto – the long-time, iconic Village Voice reporter for NY’s gay scene. And he looked just like he did 18 years ago when I came to NY – same signature glasses, and horror of horrors the same sweater thrown around his shoulders he used to wear back when it wasn’t out of fashion. It was like he was some sort of yuppie from the ’80s. You have to realize – it was hot and muggy yesterday and threatening to rain. Any sort of sweater was inappropriate given the weather, and doubly inappropriate given that the Eagle is supposed to be a leather bar. But that’s just Michael.

After it started sprinkling we stayed on the roof deck when most people ran downstairs, but then it turned into a solid rain and the tree we were under stopped being an effective umbrella, so I went downstairs and got another beer from my favorite bartender (the one with the fuzzy beard – who has a thing for other guys with fuzzy beards – he even remembered my drink order). Then I went over to the cruisey area by pool table and bathrooms.

Along came Michael Musto and his sidekick – this tall thin guy who was wearing a golfing hat. It was like the tall thin guy was Michael’s scout or something. Despite the golfing hat (which he didn’t wear 100% of the time) the tall thin guy was at least dressed more appropriately. At one point he was directly in front of me and in the darkness it looked like he had a poka dotted blue hanky in his left pocket. In other words he was flagging bareback top… But it was dark and I’m not sure I saw things all that clearly.

But the funny part was how they were acting. Two masculine guys were making out in the corner and both of them were totally titillated – they couldn’t stop looking and were practically giggling out loud like teenage school girls. Then the tall thin guy discovered the rather tame sex going on in the bathroom and pulled Michael in to observe. We were leaving, but I was tempted to turn around and go into the bathroom with Michael an come onto him just to see what he’d do. He’s always an observer and (as far as I know), never a participant. What would he have done if I had come onto him? Something in me would like to be able to say I felt up Michael Musto…  But I didn’t…

After I had left I realized one of the guys I follow on Twitter (ajinnyc7) had been at The Eagle that night as well. Small world, too bad I didn’t see his tweet while I was there… And then I found out a piss bottom I’ve hookup with in the past was there as well trying to get guys to fill up his cup in the bathroom (didn’t see him though)…

Looking at the crowd last night made me want to make and sell t-shirts… We could use some t-shirts that identify us as barebackers – especially ones that others won’t necessarily understand. (Like “well bred” or “breeder”). Told my bf about the idea and he wants to screen print them. So I think we could make it happen….

[For those of you who don’t like my introspective posts where I critique what’s wrong with my life – just stop now – you won’t like this post…]

My life has been really sedentary and work-obsessed lately. With all the shit going on in the economy it just feels right to keep my nose to the grind and work work work. But it’s also frustrating ’cause my revenue off the porn stuff that I’m trying so hard to get going is totally flat – I’ve made almost the same exact amount for 7 months in a row now – and that amount is half of my target amount for the end of the year… It’s frustrating and stressful. And my mainstream work (which is where I can make good money) has been hanging like a millstone around my neck. I get in a funk when I have to work on it (there’s a long and sorta personal history to the project). It’s sorta weird, but it is what it is… I know I shouldn’t be complaining – I’m busy and making adequate money when so many friends and acquaintances are losing their jobs – but that’s just part of the whole angst of the economy – I feel like I don’t really have the right to bitch even when the feelings are genuine.

Anyway, my sedentary life has resulted in my weight going up and up. Talking real numbers it was stable for quite a while there – I’d fluxuate between 232 and 237 – but always capped out at 236 or 237. But the last month or so it’s been creeping up and I’m now at 245 and I’m not happy about it at all… The funny part is, just looking at me, my boyfriend thinks I look like I’m losing weight. Go figure.

I don’t mind 235 all that much (if I stayed there), but I’d rather be in the 195 to 215 range. Mind you, I look best (and pretty hot) when I’m 180, but I don’t see that happening. 195 to 215 is still pretty beefy and “realistic” but I look pretty good in that range. Just for reference I was 195 five years ago when I fucked Dawson. The funny part was I thought I wasn’t in shape which is why I didn’t want to take off my clothes… And 215 is the weight I was at when I took the torso pic I have in my profiles (to the left – and yeah, I shouldn’t have a pic that’s 30 lbs out of date, but at least it shows I have a belly and most guys seem to think I look better than my pics so I leave it).

The problem is back around the time of the Dawson video I used to stay in shape by sailing. I had a boat and spent most summer weekends on it. It was great on many levels – it was the only place I could completely relax, but it was great exercise as well. It was strenuous in a very natural way that lasted for hours and hours… But we sold the boat a few years ago and now I just work work work in the summer… Going out to a bar for fun just doesn’t have the same beneficial effects 😉

A long time ago when I was in great shape I used to go to the gym and do a lot of free weights and some cardio. Over a 6 month period in 1997-8 this was the progress I made going from 236 to about 185 (and then I kept going down and building muscle)…

Mind you I was younger and more active back then (walked a half hour back an forth to work, higher metabolism, etc.), but the point is I’ve done it before. Thing is, the gym got boring. I can do it, but I find it hard to maintain my motivation to go on a regular basis. Maybe if I had a workout partner and a good gym it would be different. Or better yet, if NYC had a bathhouse with a decent gym attached – that would get me to go to the gym 😉 But Gimnasio Grande (the local gym up here) just doesn’t do it despite all the hot Latinos…

All the focus on diet and exercise just doesn’t feel like it fits with my life anymore… On the other hand I feel like something needs to change in my life. I’m way too stressed over work – It rules my life. I’m not sleeping properly and I wake up tired and stressed… But the funny part is I’d probably be just as productive if I could really manage to have a well balanced life. Bottom line is I want more out of my life and my weight isn’t my primary issue – it’s a side effect of something bigger that’s wrong.

At the same time a lot of things are right with my life right now. In some ways I’m in a really good groove – it’s just not a balanced groove, but part of the reason why I haven’t changed is ’cause I’m a bit afraid I’ll screw up what’s right in my life. Case and point – sometimes I think I’d do better if I were single. But I wouldn’t be where I am today if it weren’t for my relationship with my boyfriend. Just financially, we’re selling our apartment (en sha’allah) and even with the real estate downturn we’re still able to pull out a decent chunk of money (not huge, but decent – and of course it’s contingent on the sale actually going through). If we stay together and take the next step real estate-wise by buying into a neighborhood that’s been really hit hard we could wind up with way more space, a better location, all at a similar net cost each month. If I were single that wouldn’t would be possible. The best I could hope for is a small apartment downtown or an a decent-sized one uptown in a less desirable neighborhood than we’re in now. Neither of those options are all that attractive (though there is one apartment uptown I could definitely seem myself living in – and it’s in a building where one of my fuck buddies lives). For all the frustrations that get mentioned here on the blog my bf is a good guy and we’re stronger together than we’d be apart.

But that said, things do need to change… I need to do stuff like play hookie some days and go lay out naked by the Hudson over by Dykeman. I need to find a way to put down the computer and get some exercise in a way that’s interesting and feels natural to me. But with my consuming worry over work, that’s a lot easier said than done…

But it’s more than exercise and diet. It’s friends too… We have a few friends here in New York who have tight groups of friends. But the problem is we don’t really feel like we fit in ’cause our lives are about our work and they tend to have jobs they want to forget as soon as they leave work. We often have more in common with straight friends who we can talk to about our work, but with me doing more and more porn it’s difficult to talk to straight friends about my work. They are only so interested in it – and there’s only so much I want to tell them. Plus, I’d rather have gay friends than straight friends – but it never seems that’s how it works out. The bottom line is we don’t have enough people we can just call up and go for drinks or dinner with who we’re really all that interested in.

When we go out to bars as a couple people pretty much never talk to us. When I go by myself is the only time I really get into conversations with people. On gay pride day we did a little experiment and split up a bit in the bars and suddenly we were both talking to people.

The bottom line is I gotta work on friends as well – but that’s easier said than done and the relationship with my boyfriend often gets in the way of that. Which actually strikes me as funny ’cause my bf is more social than me and most of our friends come into the relationship through him, but that’s part of the problem – they’re mostly his friends – not mine.

So, while I know my weight is not the primary issue, here’s what I look like at the moment (unfortunately that’s the most flattering pic)… I’m going to be trying to bring the weight down a bit. Hopefully I’ll be successful. A little over a year ago I tried and managed to get down 10 lbs to 225, but it didn’t last (obviously), but I need to to better than that…

Today I signed up for The Zone Diet. Based on what they said they offered it sounded like they had a calorie thing that would help me evaluate what I’m eating, but that wasn’t the case. They’re menu oriented which doesn’t work for me since 1/2 the stuff I eat is delivery, and I don’t cook and I’m not going to tell my bf he has to cook some menu off a diet site. So about 20 minutes after I signed up I asked for my money back.

If anyone knows a good calorie and fat/protein/carbs analyzer, let me know – I could use one to evaluate my diet.

And I need to find ways to be more active and more social… I think that’s the key to feeling better about things and having a more balanced life. One of the reasons I eat so much is to get me through stress. If I can feel more balanced I’ll probably eat less and lose weight. It’s all pretty connected.

Post Script: As I’m finishing this up my bf and I got in another stupid little argument. UGH! It’s usually brief, but sometimes I feel like that’s the part of my life that needs to change… But people who require perfection out of their boyfriends almost never have boyfriends and as usual we did make up… I just wish the choices were clearer right now…

OK, all that’s off my chest… I’ll get back to writing about sex shortly, but all this sort of stuff most definitely does affect my sex life. I just gotta work to get it all sorted out.

UPDATE: aadam808 turned me on to Spark People – a web site + iPhone app that helps you track what you eat and how much exercise you’re getting. It’s not perfect, but it’s still quite good – and free as well…

OK, I seriously apologize – I’m way behind on my fuck posts. There are now 3 guys I’ve fucked and filmed that I haven’t written up. I just haven’t had time to edit the videos. Then there’s a jackoff video my bf shot as a test of our new HD camera that I want to put up as well…

So in addition to the three videotaped fucks, yesterday I fucked porn star Jayson Park. If I have my facts right he started doing porn last November and after an initial taste I think he’s gotten bit by the porn bug and it seems like every time I talk to him he’s off doing porn somewhere. I don’t know everything he’s done, but I do know he’s been in videos for HDK (including “Backroom Bareback”), and Treasure Island (including “Bone Deep” – the TIM video that sold the most initial copies – where he’s called Jason Park), and Factory Video (including a “Private Cumhole” – where he’s on the cover).

Anyway, we’ve been trying for a while to hookup. Initially it didn’t look like it was going work because his general availability conflicted with mine. Then we got more serious about it and we started discussing me videotaping him and it got more serious, but kept getting pushed off. Finally we figured out we had time for a quick fuck yesterday followed by a quick drink at a bar.

Time came and I was supposed to leave but didn’t have his address. For a while there I thought I wasn’t going to be able to hookup with him, but then at the last minute he gave me his address. I wanted to prep a bit better, but all I had time for was downing part of a pill, throwing on some white boot socks (he’s got a serious white sock fetish), washing off my dick, and brushing my teeth.

I get there and he answers the door stark naked (except for some white socks, of course). I was thinking something along the lines of JACKPOT! Jayson is mixed race Asian (Asian + white). Frankly, that mix sometimes doesn’t come out right, but with him he got the best of both… He’s got an incredibly hot body that’s much hotter than his pics (which are hot). He’s really lean, but muscular at the same time. Great ass, a little hair in all he right places, and a killer smile. He had a big grin on his face as well. Said I was better than my pics. (He’s not the first to say that – I think I need better pics…)

We go to his home office where there’s a futon and we start making out, kissing, he sucks my dick… There is really great chemistry with him. Pretty quickly the term “boyfriend material” pops into my head. If I were single and he were looking and interested I think I’d wind up dating him… I mean a hot little cumhole boyfriend who who’d constantly be getting other guys’ loads in him I could use for lube… Who wouldn’t want that? Thing is he seems pretty committed to his boyfriend, and I have mine…

[Though I should mention I’ve been thinking about my relationship a lot lately. We’re in contract to sell our apartment – if it goes through it would be the first time in 11 years when property ownership wouldn’t be a complicating factor in breaking up with him. There were times in the past where if it hadn’t been a huge hassle to break up with him I probably would have. Still, that said, I’ve thought about it and have no plans to break up. There’s so much that works in our relationship and my bf is a really special guy. But still, meeting hot little (quality) cum hungry bottoms like Jayson does make me think about my options…]

Getting back to the fuck… It’s not long before his ass is up and I’m eating it out. He had a perfectly clean hole – was great to rim. About the only thing that would have been better would have been if I had tasted some other guy’s load when I was sucking on his ass…

He sucks my dick some more, we make out some more (we actually kiss a lot) and before long his legs are up and my dick is in his hole. God, it was an awesome hole – perfectly silky (probably due to the silicon lube). So he’s legs up my dick in his ass and I keep leaning in to kiss him while I fuck him. It was good…

I turned him over at one point, but given that his futon was in couch mode it was a little awkward fucking him on his belly. We switched up fucking him in a bunch of different positions, absolutely every time I pulled out he wanted to suck my dick and clean his ass juices off my dick – that’s called “Ass-To-Mouth” or ATM and I’ve never had a bottom be that into it… Guess he’s just a little “ATM machine” 😉

The fucking went on for a while it just didn’t feel like I could cum. Wasn’t his fault. The day before I had been working on the porn blogs and jacked off 2 or 3 times. Guess I shouldn’t have done that. But it was still a great fuck. I seriously could fuck him all day… But after a while we were pushing the time when his boyfriend would be home, so we wrapped things up.

We got dressed and went out for a drink at The Saloon on 9th Ave in Hell’s Kitchen. It was one of the first gay bars I went to when I came to New York in 1990 (back when it was called Cleo’s Saloon). Back then the RA in my dorm took me there ’cause it was the neighborhood bar. It had a pretty homely crowd back then and nothing has changed, but we weren’t there to pick up tricks (already did that). We had a beer, tried to talk about the porn business over the too-loud music, but then I had to leave to go downtown to have dinner with my boyfriend and some extended family.

Hopefully we’ll hookup again soon and I’d love to figure out a way to shoot some porn with him – but we gotta work out the details (money, etc.) – he’s a bit more professional than I’m ready to pay for at this point… 🙂

UPDATE…

NEVER MIND – Grindr is useless… My “discreet” profile ad was deleted. All I said was I was “uninhibited top” looking for a no-strings fuck. Looking at their guidelines 1) “Explicit sexual words and slang are expressly prohibited”, and 2) “Mention of unsafe sex is expressly prohibited”. I can sorta understand #1 given that they have to pass Apple’s “family friendly” policies for the app store. But #2 is just gratuitous nonsense since #1 more than covers #2…

So bottom line – forget about Grindr… Given Apple’s policies I’m not sure there ever will be a decent iPhone app for anonymous sex. There needs to be one, but Apple has a draconian control over what goes on the iPhone…

Came across an iPhone app today that’s worth mentioning – Grindr. Bascially it lets you see who’s near you. While it’s meant to be more of a “social networking” sorta thing, there’s no reason it can’t be used for anonymous hookups. It’s easy enough to post that you’re looking to seed hole or looking for loads.

I’ve been wanting something like this to come along so when I’m downtown I can see what holes are nearby who will take my load. You literally could hookup with someone 5 minutes after practically zero discussion. “Wanna load?”, “Sure – here’s my address…” Of course most of the guys on there aren’t hardcore barebackers, but that’s what the favs button is for 😉

I’ve only been playing with it for like 20 minutes. Anyone have more experience with it? Are there any downsides to using it? It doesn’t appear to give away your cell number or anything…

Anyway, when I’m downtown and up for hooking up I’ll be using it. When I’m home (uptown) I’ll be keeping the profile more discreet…

Oh – one other thing – don’t get banned from using it… Keep the photos clean – no nudity (frontal or rear) is allowed… Face and chest shots are OK…

As if the leather community didn’t have enough problems already… Our leather bars are disappearing (our one “leather bar” here in NY is best described as “leather friendly” – there is no time when you’re turned away for wearing white pants or sandals), our organizations are shutting their doors (e.g. “the World’s largest gay S/M organization” – GMSMA here in NY – is now gone), there’s rampant racism in the community, etc. So what does the International Mr. Leather (IML) organization do? It decides to go on the warpath against a big portion of the people in its own community to reduce the numbers even further. Their target is barebackers. Anyone associated with barebacking is now barred from being a vendor in IML’s leather mart. Here’s the text of their letter to vendors…

Dear Vendors:

On behalf of International Mr. Leather, Inc., I would like to thank you for your past support and in particular for your participation as a vendor inour annual Leather Market. We are writing you today to inform you of a policy change affecting next year (2010) and all future markets.

Though we are now three decades into the HIV/AIDS epidemic, no cure has been found. The CDC and local health officials inform us that new infections are on the rise. And, while we have had some success developing medications that might make infection more manageable, that accomplishment comes at a price. Not having experienced the deaths – the loss of loved ones — which preceded these medications, we have an entire generation who may not fully appreciate or comprehend the severity of the situation.

Too many in our community believe HIV/AIDS is curable or manageable. Too few understand that HIV/AIDS infections dominate life. We believe that it is our duty to inform and educate. Several years ago when “Meth” was the scourge of our community, IML drew a line in the sand and raised awareness and used all our influence to try and stop this addictive madness. As is the case with HIV/AIDS, we believe it is our further obligation to do everything in our power to prevent future infections.

To that end, after considerable discussion, the Executive Committee of International Mr. Leather has decided that it will no longer allow participation in the IML Leather Market by any entity which promotes barebacking or distributes/sells any merchandise tending to promote or advocate barebacking. This restriction will also apply to distribution of gifts, post cards or any other information via our facilities.

This policy takes effect immediately.

Sincerely,

Chuck Renslow, President
International Mr. Leather

(Emphasis is mine.) Click here to see an image of the actual letter.

For years they’ve been profiting from barebacking, yet somehow it’s suddently a problem. I haven’t heard any public apologies for the racist comments at their contest this year – apparently that doesn’t bother them. They can’t even bother with private apologies – the e-mail I sent them complaining about the racist comments was never answered. They don’t seem to mind racists in their midst, but apparently they just can’t stand that someone would CHOOSE to not use a rubber when fucking. It’s sorta insulting actually – they seem to think the people who go to IML don’t understand the risks – that they’re stupid and need to be protected from themselves.

And let me make something crystal clear – if they say it’s a health issue their either delusional or lying. These days smoking kills WAY more gay men than barebacking yet they’re completely supportive of the smoking fetish. I mean cigar smoking leather daddies are iconic in the leather community. How many of them will die horribly painful deaths because of their choice to smoke? If IML were serious about health issues they’d start there and ban all vendors that have anything to do with supporting smoking – that’s the activity that’s going to kill the most people in the leather community, not barebacking…

From what I can tell, this is a case of the “old guard” vs. the “new guard”. People my age and older, who dominate the leadership of IML, often don’t get that HIV/AIDS is a very different disease today than it was before ARVs came on the scene in 1996. Just because we had a horrible experience with HIV/AIDS they think no one has the right to fuck raw – ever…

The appeal of the leather community used to be that it was edgy. Minorities used to put up with the racism just to feed off the overall edginess of it all. For those of you who were around NY back in the ’90s Pork @ The LURE on Wednesday nights was an incredible experience – the East Village boys invaded and ran a leather bar and it was a wonderful mix. Today what edginess there is in the gay community is found in the bareback community. So the question is what’s the appeal of the leather community if it’s openly hostile to the leading edgy elements in the gay community? Why will people bother with leather? Why will they want to learn how to do BDSM properly? Leather will just become a fashion statement and BDSM will become marginalized as something only old queens do.

The reason why I care is because the leather community used to be the embodiment of a group that unapologetically demanded respect for who they were. They demanded tolerance for their sexually deviant consensual acts, but yet they’re unwilling to be tolerant of others’ sexually deviant  consensual acts. They’ve lost something, and it’s sad… In an era of everyone conforming to heterosexual norms (with gay marriage) we need a group that stands up for tolerance and respect of being different, being kinky, and being a deviant…

Let me just run down the vendors who are affected. Since most places that sell videos sell at least some bareback titles, that eliminates almost everyone who’s related to porn with the exception of production companies that only shoot condom porn. The other question is whether they consider pre-condom to be bareback. It is, and if they’re really being consistent they should not allow companies who continue to sell bareback videos under the title “pre-condom”. If they don’t treat pre-condom as what it is – bareback – then that just points out the craziness of their decision.

• Bijou Video (pre-condom)
• Dark Alley Media (recently started producing bareback titles)
• Dick Wadd Media
• Erotic Writers (will IML allow writing about bareback sex?)
• Factory Video / Gay Reality Porn
• Helix Studios
• Spunk Video
• Treasure Island Media

Those are just the ones I can pick out from their list… I think there might be others.

Needless to say, I’m not going to IML next year. I had already decided a while back to go to MAL instead…

If you would like to tell IML what you think of their decision, the e-mail address is info@imrl.com… But don’t expect a response…

So, my bf and I came to Montréal this weekend. I love this place – could see retiring here (but need to learn French first). Was hoping to shoot a bunch of porn this weekend, but most of the models sorta fell through. I think I might have a videotaped fuck session late this afternoon, but I did manage to get a solo model (Dimitri Roux – the pic on the right) to come in for a shoot yesterday. It was a learning experience for my boyfriend and me. It went pretty well, but one thing I learned was that amateur models should be paid like amateur models. He had wanted more but we stuck to our guns and I’m sorta glad we did. Good guy, nice body, great personality, but there were ways in which it were clear he’s not a professional porn star. That has it’s charm, but it has it’s limitations as well. He seemed a bit nervous and had problems getting hard and staying hard. My boyfriend offered to ‘fluff’ him, but he didn’t take my bf up on the offer.

So the weird part about this trip is I’m not all that horny. Montréal is a great place to come for sex. The bathhouses are pretty wonderful, the guys are sexy, etc. Last night my boyfriend was horny so after dinner we went out for one drink at a stripper bar and then I told him to go to a bathhouse and I just went back to the hotel.

One curious thing that happened yesterday was that we were at Priape and I wanted to buy some more lube. My boyfriend said he wanted to buy some condoms as well (he fucks raw or rubbered – depending on what the bottom will do). I reminded him that we have a bunch of (old) condoms at home. But he said some were so old that the glue on the wrappers was breaking down and they were opening up. To me old expired condoms are the ideal condoms – after all they’re more likely to break and the bottom is more likely to get your load… But I bought him condoms anyway.

But when he came home from the bathhouse he told me “I don’t think I can fuck with condoms any more”. He was fucking the bottom and the condom was turning him off. He took off the condom, the bottom felt his dick and knew he was getting fucked raw (and said nothing). My boyfriend pulled out when he came, but is pretty sure the bottom would have been fine taking the load. In other words my boyfriend is exactly where I was in my sex life back in 2003-2004 – when you realize few bottoms will say no to getting fucked raw or taking a load.

I did wake up with a big boner this morning. So tonight I want to go out to GI Joe (a bathhouse) and have some fun… Problem is I forgot my pills so that will limit me a bit, which is unfortunate.