I did a bad thing yesterday. I jacked off twice. I’ve sort of (re)developed an underwear fetish. I remember even before I came out I used to get off on revealing underwear. I’d tan in the middle of campus at UT Austin in a bikini when all the other guys were wearing shorts.

When I moved to NYC I’d wear thongs and skimpy bikinis when I’d go sailing and on vacations with a john/friend of mine – after all, I had to give him what he was paying for. I actually had a bit of a thong tanline that summer and it didn’t look all that bad. A few years later I’d take vacations to Puerto Rico where I’d lay on the beach in the skimpiest of string bikinis – literally just a triangular bit to cover your dick and balls and two strings that looped around your legs/ass.

I really should have taken it further and been even more of an exhibitionist while I had a nice tight young body, but I kept getting in relationships…

Anyway, as I’ve been losing weight I’ve been thinking about what would be hot to wear when I’m thinner. I’ve gotta see what looks good on me when I get thinner (after all I’m 20+ years older and not nearly as tight and muscular), but in the meantime I’m cruising underwear sites sorta fantasizing that I can get the body to pull off some of the more daring stuff.

The first load yesterday came when I saw this pic…

It’s actually a pretty tame picture. I mean I can’t even imagine having sex with the model – he’s too pretty and probably pretty dull and boring in bed (If you saw his face you’d know what I mean). What got me was how much pubic hair was showing over the top of the bikini. The rather pronounced pouch for dick and balls is pretty hot too…

I could actually see wearing something like that. But it would be pushing it for me to pull it off – even when I’m thinner (I’m a bit big boned and wide even when I’m thin and the really skimpy stuff looks best on guys with little waists). I’m hoping next summer I can pull it off. That’s sorta the tanline I’d like next year.

This picture got me going too… Imagine a runner running down the street shirtless showing that much pubic hair. I bet his ass crack would be showing too… So fuckin’ hot… I wish we could mandate runners wear this type of stuff…

Today a jockstrap I had seen before sorta struck me in how hot it would be to wear… There’s the fabric version which seems to stretch and cover…

But then there’s a glossy black version that doesn’t look like it has much stretch to it at all… With the slightest stirring of your dick you’d be totally popping out of this one…

Personally I think both of them would be hotter with some trimmed pubes showing… I generally don’t like the plucked chicken look (except on teens – but that’s why they call them ‘chicken’) – men are supposed to have pubes. If you click on the pic of the yellow one you’ll see pics of the jockstrap with a guy who’s fairly hairy – it’s much better than the shaved guy, IMHO.

The problem that I encountered before is where do you wear this stuff? Back then I was too shy to wear the assless chaps I had made out to leather bars. I guess I could wear the jockstraps at sex parties, bathhouses, and on weekends like MAL/IML. But on a daily basis I’d rather wear boxers under my jeans – they’re just more comfortable (they let my PA hang properly). IMHO, when you wear stuff like this the point is to be seen…

The other day I bought a couple of jockstraps. I don’t have the body yet for the really skimpy ones, but got some that should look decent on a body like mine…

I got the Intyman enhanced jock (it has a piece of fabric in it that pushes out your dick and balls – appropriate for a top)…

I got the white one so over weekends like MAL I can soak it with piss and turn it a nice yellow color… As it gets old and the fabric starts to pill it’ll look like a slutty old jock – which will be totally cool. It’ll also be hot seeing the outline of my big PA ring through the fabric.

And then I got the Activeman vented jock. What I liked about this one was how the site said the pouch was cut smaller than normal and didn’t have much stretch. I like the idea that I’ll pop out when I start getting hard.

Once again, that will look good stained piss yellow… 😉  I can totally see letting guys piss on me in the right circumstances. Walking around a place like MAL, smelling a bit musty from the piss would be sorta hot.

Anyway, you can start to see why not being a bear suits me. I’m a bit of an exhibitionist when I’m thin. Problem is I seem stuck at 220 – been at that weight for a few weeks now. I really need to go thinner if I’m going to pull off these jockstraps. I ordered larges which might be too small (not sure). My goal is to get down to mediums. I’m hoping the larges at least fit by January when I go to MAL. I’m thinking it would be fun to run around the halls at night in nothing but a jockstrap and military jump boots seeing what trouble I can get into. But that requires me to lose more weight.

Speaking of MAL I’m going to go see David Menkes and have him cut down a leather jock he made for me years ago. I want it to barely cover my dick and balls and show some or all of my pubes…  (Can you tell I’m getting into a pretty slutty mindset lately – it’s fun.)

And yeah, I know wearing a jockstrap is like having a big sign on you saying “bottom”, but that’s why I went for the ones that accentuate my dick. And I’m also thinking of being a bit versatile after I get my ass healed up properly… Could be fun to experience loads dripping out of my hole every now and then 😉

For the past week or two now I’ve been weighing 220.x – it’s been oddly consistent. Every now and then I’d get down to 219.8, but that’s pretty much 220. Well today I came in at 219.2 – which I’m hoping is signaling I’m over my plateau and going down again.

When I feel my body, and look in the mirror I notice a difference from how I used to be (see pictures from July – and that wasn’t even me at my heaviest). I feel a lot lighter and not so much like a bear. BUT, when I take photos of myself the camera’s not so kind – and I’m clearly still a bear (see pic to right).

I remember this weight range well. For many years I wasn’t sure whether I was a bear or just stocky. It’s even more of a question when I get down around 210.

My clothes are starting to be really baggy – they’re completely unflattering. If it were the ’90s and baggy were in it wouldn’t be so bad. But I don’t want to buy too many new clothes since I’m still losing weight.

I’ve got a long ways to go. I wanna get down to 190 or 180. But even this amount of weight loss (34 lbs) feels good – even if I still look heavy in picture, I know I’m so much lighter than I was. And it’ll be great when I get down to 210 and am genuinely stocky, not a bear…

Little steps on a long path… 🙂

Long story, but in the past I mentioned that I got my 0 gauge ring into my PA. Problem was I did something I knew was a no-no – I slept in it. Because I sleep on my belly that means my ring got in some awkward positions over night and got irritated. Ultimately the ring had to come up and I had to wait a week or so for the inflammation to go down. Then I had to start all over.

In the meantime I ordered a 0 gauge curved barbell that I can sleep in. But I found one where you could get a really big 1″ ball to put on the end of it. It’s fuckin’ heavy and really tugs at your dick. Needless to say you can’t forget your wearing it when you walk down the street and it’s banging against your leg.

For sleeping I put in a much smaller ball – the big ball would be a problem at night.

It turns out what I thought was a 0 gauge ring (the circular barbell that caused the problems earlier) is actually thicker than 0 gauge. It’ll be a little while before I put it back in. I’ll let my PA hole adjust to this one first. Even with this one I have to be careful.

I haven’t fucked with the ball yet, but I’m looking forward to it. It should be fun for the bottom as well – feeling that big ball bang around on the inside of their ass… They’ll definitely feel it when I pull out – it’s gonna hurt a bit 😉

A few years ago a guy worked for me. Then a few weeks ago he asked if he could interview me. It took me a while to feel comfortable with what he wanted to do, but I finally said yes and he did his interview 3 weeks ago just before I got sick…

The product of the interview is a video. The visual portion is random images that don’t really have much to do with anything. I like the end result – it’s a good video (IMHO)… Take a look/listen…

In case your wondering that’s not quite my voice. It’s been altered and sounds much more femmy than I really sound. At first he tried to butch up my voice but since I already have a semi-masculine sounding voice there wasn’t much he could do in that direction without making me sound like Deep Throat. So femmy it is… 😉

Tell me what you think of it…

Load 2012-42

Before I start – I should mention I checked my spreadsheet and I’ve now given more loads this year than any other year other than 2008. The 2nd best year had been 2010 with 39 loads given, but I’m well past that now. The goal now is to beat 2008 when I gave 61 loads. I need to give 20 more loads this year – shouldn’t be too hard despite having a slow start to the year. When I’m not sick I’m averaging 9 or 10 loads a month, and I’ve got 3 1/2 more months to go.

And another point of follow-up from past posts… I went to see a colorectal surgeon about the anal fissure I’ve had for 20+ years. She said it was pretty deep and serious. There’s even scar tissue that migrates down the fissure and is collecting in a hard lump at the bottom of the fissure. (I was worried I had warts when I felt it). The good news is that she’s put me on this cream that I put up my butt 3 times a day. There’s a 2/3rds chance it can completely cure the problem. If that doesn’t work, they can inject Botox into the area to relax the sphincter muscle to let things heal. Or the last line of defense is surgery. I’m going to be religious about using the cream – I really really want it to work. I hate needles, an really want to avoid surgery. Then again, my fissure has been pretty stubborn about not going away.

So it’s taken me a few days to get back to normal after being sick for so long. Even now my stamina isn’t was it was. So I figured I’d take it easy with hooking up. Once again, I did a bad thing and on Tuesday found myself cumming while jacking off. I figured I wouldn’t be hooking up until at least Thursday, but then the opportunity arose on Wednesday to fuck. Since I wasn’t 100% I went for the skinny black guy in the neighborhood. Including this load, he’s gotten 3 of my last 5 loads. I almost think I’m seeing a bit too much of him.

Thing is, he’s practically on call. He lives a few blocks away. I don’t think he works. So if he’s in town, he’ll come right over when I text him. This time he was there a half hour after I contacted him – that included cleaning out and walking over to my place. I gotta say that’s convenient for me… 🙂

The hookup was pretty straightforward. He came over, we stripped down. I had him get on all fours so I could rim him. I fucked him on his belly and I came in his ass.

I did experiment a bit when I was fucking him. With some bottoms it feels better to fuck them at an angle. I’ve even seen pics of guys fucking 180 degrees around. That’s gotta feel sorta cool. I just went 30 or 45 degrees off and the sensation just wasn’t as good as it was with the two of us lined up. He’s SO skinny – like he has practically zero body fat. As I was fucking him I could feel how skinny and frail he was – it was sorta hot.

Afterward I came, we had a bit of a quiet moment. I kept my dick in his ass, rolled us onto our sides and we just laid there for a while. He’s got an “outy” for a belly button and combined with him being skin and bones every time I’d brush over it, it felt weird – like it was a tumor or something. We haven’t had a really non-rushed quiet time before. It was nice. We talked a little, but mostly just laid there in silence.

Finally my cell phone went off with a text. I was sorta done and it was a good excuse to get up (turned out to be an amber alert from the City of NY about a little girl who had gone missing). He threw on his clothes and was gone a little later. I’m sure next time I need a quick easy hole, he’ll be over… 😉

Speaking of skinny… For some reason, I haven’t regained any of the 10 pounds I lost when I was sick those two weeks. Is it possible it was fat, not water weight? (That would be a deficit of 2500 calories per day – almost impossible, but not quite). Anyway, I’m now around 219/220 (down 34 lbs off the peak or 29 off my average high). Problem is, because I lost 10 pounds quickly while I was sick I do have some loose skin issues. When I bend over my pecs look more like saggy boobs, and my bf was kind enough to mention a few minutes ago that my ass looks a little saggy (lol). The saggy skin will fix itself over time if I continue to loose weight at a more manageable 3-4 lbs a month. And IMHO, even with the saggy skin I look better thinner. It’s just nice not to have such a big gut, and not to have to carry all those pounds up staircases with me, etc.

Back in May I told myself I’d never cum except when it was in a bottom’s ass. Well, I violated that on Friday… I’ve been sick for way too long and on Friday it had been two weeks since I last came. I had tried to fuck someone earlier in the week but it hadn’t been successful. So with a 14 day load in my balls I was casually looking at profiles on BBRT. One profile in particular got me going and I figured WTF and just let myself cum. I knew it would be a few days before I’d be up for fucking so why not?

If you’re wondering, my being sick started with what I thought was viral gastroenteritis. I never did see a doc – in part because I was pretty confident about what I had (I’d had it several times before – though not recently), and things improved. But then as the gastro was wrapping up my ass started being really really sore during bowel movements and there was blood. I chalked that up to an old anal fissure opening up. It wasn’t too bad early in the week and seemed to be improving. But then later in the week it got worse. I should have called to go in on Thursday, but I waited until Friday. I go to Callen-Lorde and they’re understaffed and were completely booked. I just didn’t feel like going anywhere else, so I figured I’d suffer through it  (how New England WASP of me).

Finally this morning my bf dragged me to an “urgent care” place. The doc there suspects I have some sort of infection in my lower bowels, so he’s put me on Cipro. He ran a bunch of tests (including stool samples). All in all it didn’t feel like he was all that helpful (he didn’t even look at my ass). But I guess he’s got the tests started a few days early for my doctors.

I’m just completely sick of being sick. I need to get back to normal…

One thing though… All of this has made me decide I want surgery on my ass to finally fix the fissure. I’ve had it for 21 years now – usually it doesn’t cause problems and it’s never caused this level of problems before. That fissure is a big reason why I’m an exclusive top. It just hurts like a mother-fucker when I get fucked and I almost always bleed… I think mentally I’m still 95% top, but we’ll see what happens after the surgery 😉