Monday morning I woke up and went to the bathroom to take a piss. As I was pissing there pain for a second and then things were normal. I thought, WTF? So I looked at my dick and saw some “crusties” on my Prince Albert. That’s never a good sign. That day Jayson Park hit me up to come over the next day and film me fucking him. I told him that might not be possible since there was a chance I had gonorrhea. I’ve also had similar symptoms from the PA just getting in a bad position overnight (since I sleep on my belly). It’ll get irritated and then have to heal.

There were no other symptoms the rest of the day so I was starting to think I was in the clear, but then… Tuesday when I woke up I had to run to the bathroom to take a shit and I forgot to check my dick before I sat down and started pissing. Afterwards I looked and there were a few “crusties” built up on my PA, so I called things off with Jayson – two days in a row wasn’t good. But again there were no symptoms the rest of the day.

Wednesday I took a good look before taking a piss and there was goopy thick yellowish discharge in my urethra. That settled it – I knew for sure I had gono. At 8:30 I called Callen-Lorde (the gay health clinic) and they said their first STD appointment was on Monday (WTF?!?!). They suggested I come into the Saturday drop-in clinic. Ummm… That’s 3 days away. I wanted to get treated sooner than that.

So I spent the next hour or so texting my recent tricks. I told the little skinny kid, the black fuck bud, plus the guy who tagged him with me. It’s weird, I always tell my tricks when I get something. But I can’t remember the last time someone told me. Maybe it’s just easier for a top to figure out he’s got a problem.

Today I went to one of the Department of Health’s STD clinics. I had only ever been to one before a long time ago and was expecting the worst. I went to the one in Manhattanville (125th on the 1 train – the neighborhood Columbia University sorta took over via eminent domain). I was expecting to be there all day and have anti-gay people asking me questions. Honestly it wasn’t all that bad…

There was almost no one there. The only problem was DOH officials came to do “a training” with the doctors at just the wrong time. One was on lunch and they took 20+ minutes with the other doctor when I was next in line to see her. I it hadn’t been for that I would have been in and out of there as quickly as I could have hoped.

The only bad thing that happened was the doctor was a little judgmental when she asked how many people I had sex with in the past 3 months. I pulled 20 out of thin air, and she seemed shocked and mortified. Looking at my spreadsheet, he real number is 23 hookups with 20 different guys – so I was actually spot on. I said “well, maybe the number was closer to 15” to make her feel better – but it didn’t seem to work. She was rather incredulous that my last test was negative saying something about me being high risk. At that point I stopped and told her I really wasn’t high risk – at least not for HIV. What I do is only slightly more risky than what safe sex bottoms do. When I said, “look, the CDC has released the numbers on this stuff – given what you do all day, you should understand relative risk levels”. She did not like me being an assertive dom top and started arguing with me – saying it was her job to read certain questions. To which I replied, yes, but I don’t need the commentary and judgments. “I’m not being judgmental” she replied. That went in a circular argument for a minute or two at which point I just stopped it and said “Can we get back to the questions?” She was much more polite and friendly after that and knew not to fuck with me. At one point she said something like “so if I want you to see a counselor, you’d say ‘no’, right?” Hopefully I’ll get a note on my record chart that says “just stick to the questions”. Apparently I have one like that at Callen-Lorde too.

I mean seriously… I went through the AIDS crisis. I cared for a lover who died of AIDS. I’ve thought about these issues a lot. Respect my informed decisions. It’s my body. As things were wrapping up I apologized and said I have a long history with some of “the best” doctors telling me to do things which in hindsight were poor medical decisions for me. Unfortunately that means I have a rather adversarial relationships with doctors until I know them and trust them.

Anyway, today the discharge isn’t just in the morning – it’s pretty constant. I just snapped a pic of my dick – this is the hole of my Prince Albert oozing yellow discharge (lovely, eh?)

When she saw that she was pretty certain I had gono, but treated me for chlamydia as well.

BTW, as I was leaving she told me I should tell all my partners for the past 90 days. Again she’s wrong – the NIH says it can take up to a month to develop symptoms. Why she tripled that number, I don’t know. Can’t these people read the literature on what’s supposed to be their specialty.

Anyway, there was a point to all of this that’s gotten lost in the drama of the test…

I always take STDs seriously. There are a few crazies on Breeding Zone who disturb me greatly because they get into spreading STDs (other than HIV). That’s just fucked up. I let them post in part so other people will be aware that they exist. If someone hits you up wanting to hookup and you see they’re posting saying how hot STDs are, you’re gonna think twice…

Right now gonorrhea in particular is quite worrisome. There’s a strain going around that only responds to one type of treatment. Once it mutates and is resistant to the one treatment that’s available we’re sorta fucked – there will be incurable gonorrhea on the loose.

What’s curious is that the DOH didn’t give me the treatment for the new strain of gonorrhea. They gave me two Azithromycin plus a shot of something. I guess the City doesn’t want to pay for anything other than generic drugs unless they have to. They even handed me a survey when I got there asking how I’d feel if they started charging for their services – which is pretty absurd since it’s in taxpayer’s best interests if clinics like theirs are available for easy, free treatment of STDs. But the same thing could be said of all healthcare I guess. So I’m guessing if I have the type of strain that doesn’t respond to conventional meds, I’ll get a call and be asked to come in. But I should know pretty soon – usually things dry up in a day or so. If that doesn’t happen I’ll know I have the bad strain even before they call.

So if you even suspect you have an STD, go get tested. “What goes around comes around” is absolutely the case here. The more aggressive we are getting rid of STDs, the fewer we’ll get. And if you have a lot of sex (especially as a bottom who takes loads), have regular STD checks every 3-6 months depending on how active you are.

This means I’m out of commission sexually for another week. Next time I’ll be able to fuck is next Thursday. In the meantime I’ve given myself permission to jack off until Monday. Then I’ll go back to my “all loads go in an ass” policy.

Load 2012-49

It’s been interesting lately – seems I barely need to be online to get sex. That’s not a bad thing – not at all. I’ve given my cell number out to a few guys and they’ve been texting me when they’re looking. I’ve had guys e-mail me, and hit me up on Breeding Zone.

Today I had two tourists want to hookup with me – one from Breeding Zone, another off BBRT. I went round and round with the one off BBRT – he had a million questions about my sexual history and when my last test was, etc. He openly said he was hesitant. He told me what hotel he was in but wouldn’t tell me the room number. When he told me to come down and text him when I got there and he’d give me the room number then I just gave up. Then he got all pissy. I told him history told me it wasn’t going to go well. Quick and easy is usually what works best. He tried to justify all the questions saying he had to make sure I was neg. I told him that was absurd – he’s letting a complete stranger fuck him and cum in his ass. Risk reduction is a joke in that particular case.

The one from Breeding Zone didn’t want to hookup until 6pm. I was just about ready to confirm with him when a guy hit me up who I’ve been wanting to fuck for a while. A mid-20s blatino guy (just my type). He’s almost been too eager. The other day when I had the failure, he was texting me and calling me while I was fucking the other guy. In hindsight I should have hooked up with him then, but honestly I’ve been in a pretty mellow, somewhat non-sexual mood lately (while being simultaneously horny – it’s a weird mindset I’m in) – so god knows how it would have gone if I had hooked up with him then.

Anyway, using my “bird in the hand is better than 2 in the bush” motto I said yes to the young blatino guy and “sorry” to the tourist off Breeding Zone.

The kid showed up and he wasn’t quite what I was expecting – he was a lot skinnier – as in skinny as a rail. He looked like he weighed 100 lbs, and if he had been 5’4″ he probably would have been but he was taller. Still he was really really tiny. He probably had a 26 or 27″ waist. I love little guys, and young guys, and blatino guys, so I was sorta in heaven.

I had been working on posts for my Tumblr blog (watching a movie), so I was hard when he showed up. I was able to stay fairly hard even after running down and letting him in the building. He dropped to his knees to suck me and it was OK – I mean I was pretty hard, but that’s not what I wanted right then.

I managed to change things up and get him bent over the bed so I could rim his hole. His ass was skinny and sorta boney. But he had a nice hole. I was a little worried about him being clean – he said he had cleaned out in the morning but it was now hours later, but he seemed pretty clean – so I went to town and sucked on his hole.

It didn’t take long for me to get hard, at which point I got up, put some lube on my dick and pushed in. He had a little problem taking my dick – maybe I needed more lube, maybe his hole was sore, or maybe I should just change back to Wet Platinum which always did a good job for me – who knows… One way or the other he tried to pull off me, but I insisted he keep it in and I just went really slow at first until he was OK. Even after he could take my dick he seemed like he was in a bit of pain. Good thing I didn’t have my PA in 🙂

The problem was that I had gotten so aroused before fucking him that I started cumming after a few strokes. There was no point in holding it back, so I dumped in him and tried to keep fucking. But it had been a few days since I took a Cialis, so my dick sorta decided it was done a little while after it came. I rolled him on his side and continued to pump his ass until my dick popped out.

Then I got down and rimmed him again – cleaning the cum off the outside of his ass – I love the taste of a cummy hole…

We then laid around and talked for while.  He’s a sweet kid. As he was laying there I thought he looked like he was 10 years younger and possibly jail bait, but then he started talking about his life and his job and I was reassured he was the age he said he was. Still, it’s hot that he looks so young…

He texted me afterwards and says he wants to fuck again soon. I’m hoping I’ll get to breed him on a regular basis.

Load 2012-48

Monday MascMountainMan hit me up on Breeding Zone saying he was going to be in town, did I want to go out for a beer? He’s someone I’d chatted with and he had seemed like a decent guy. He’s versatile, but not my type – he’s taller than me and stocky. But I figured he might want to tag a bottom with me. The black bottom from the neighborhood who I fuck pretty regularly likes white guys, so and when he’s in town he’ll come just about anytime you text him, so I set things up to have  3way with the two of them.

The black guy got here first and went into the bathroom to clean up or something. I gave him a thick spandex hood with a mouth opening and no eyes. I just wanted him to be a piece of meat that the two of us shared. I didn’t want the bottom’s personality to come into play. The visitor got here a few minutes later – while the black cumhole was still in the bathroom. It was a little awkward meeting him for the first time and jumping right into sex, but that’s exactly what we did…

I guided the black guy out of the bathroom with his hood on (he didn’t need to see who was fucking him). And the two of us stripped down. The visitor was sporting a thick boner, so he went first. He had the bottom on the edge of the bed and was fucking him pretty rough. It was actually causing the bed to slide across the room.

He took a break and I took my turn. I had my big 9mm PA ring in (bigger than 0 gauge, smaller than 00). I tried to push the ring in, but it was really hard. Finally I got it in, but it was causing me a fair amount of pain since I haven’t been wearing that ring enough for my piercing to quite get used to it yet. I wasn’t comfortable with the pain, so I pulled out, took out the ring and pushed back in.

I know myself well enough that when I can cum I do. So I just fucked the bottom for a few minutes and dumped my load. I figured the other top would like using my cum for lube. I didn’t dump the load very deep – when I came I had him on his belly with his legs together so his sphincter was massaging the head of my dick. But the load didn’t spill out – so that was good…

I think I was the visitor’s type, and the bottom-du-jour just didn’t do it for him. He tried to get hard enough to fuck again, but it just wasn’t working for him. Later in the evening he told me how he gets into guys with beards, and I think he mentioned that he likes guys who are a little stocky (I was drunk when he said it, so don’t remember exactly what he said – but I remember thinking, ‘So, I’m your type…’) And it sorta fit with how things were going for him in the minute.

What he seemed to like most was watching the bottom suck my dick – he liked that more than having the bottom suck his dick. I think I was what turned him on (though not enough to get hard enough to fuck the bottom). And in his defense he had to get up at 3am that morning – so he was dead tired. I know I can’t perform very well when I’m tired…

Anyway, we finally wound things up with the bottom. Before he left the bottom came out to see the other top and be seen by the top. Turns out the bottom had lived in the same city as the visitor currently lives so they had a bit in common.

Then I spent the rest of the evening eating and drinking with the visitor. He was a great guy. I got totally sloshed and the visitor had even more to drink than I did, but it was fun.

I did a bad thing yesterday. I jacked off twice. I’ve sort of (re)developed an underwear fetish. I remember even before I came out I used to get off on revealing underwear. I’d tan in the middle of campus at UT Austin in a bikini when all the other guys were wearing shorts.

When I moved to NYC I’d wear thongs and skimpy bikinis when I’d go sailing and on vacations with a john/friend of mine – after all, I had to give him what he was paying for. I actually had a bit of a thong tanline that summer and it didn’t look all that bad. A few years later I’d take vacations to Puerto Rico where I’d lay on the beach in the skimpiest of string bikinis – literally just a triangular bit to cover your dick and balls and two strings that looped around your legs/ass.

I really should have taken it further and been even more of an exhibitionist while I had a nice tight young body, but I kept getting in relationships…

Anyway, as I’ve been losing weight I’ve been thinking about what would be hot to wear when I’m thinner. I’ve gotta see what looks good on me when I get thinner (after all I’m 20+ years older and not nearly as tight and muscular), but in the meantime I’m cruising underwear sites sorta fantasizing that I can get the body to pull off some of the more daring stuff.

The first load yesterday came when I saw this pic…

It’s actually a pretty tame picture. I mean I can’t even imagine having sex with the model – he’s too pretty and probably pretty dull and boring in bed (If you saw his face you’d know what I mean). What got me was how much pubic hair was showing over the top of the bikini. The rather pronounced pouch for dick and balls is pretty hot too…

I could actually see wearing something like that. But it would be pushing it for me to pull it off – even when I’m thinner (I’m a bit big boned and wide even when I’m thin and the really skimpy stuff looks best on guys with little waists). I’m hoping next summer I can pull it off. That’s sorta the tanline I’d like next year.

This picture got me going too… Imagine a runner running down the street shirtless showing that much pubic hair. I bet his ass crack would be showing too… So fuckin’ hot… I wish we could mandate runners wear this type of stuff…

Today a jockstrap I had seen before sorta struck me in how hot it would be to wear… There’s the fabric version which seems to stretch and cover…

But then there’s a glossy black version that doesn’t look like it has much stretch to it at all… With the slightest stirring of your dick you’d be totally popping out of this one…

Personally I think both of them would be hotter with some trimmed pubes showing… I generally don’t like the plucked chicken look (except on teens – but that’s why they call them ‘chicken’) – men are supposed to have pubes. If you click on the pic of the yellow one you’ll see pics of the jockstrap with a guy who’s fairly hairy – it’s much better than the shaved guy, IMHO.

The problem that I encountered before is where do you wear this stuff? Back then I was too shy to wear the assless chaps I had made out to leather bars. I guess I could wear the jockstraps at sex parties, bathhouses, and on weekends like MAL/IML. But on a daily basis I’d rather wear boxers under my jeans – they’re just more comfortable (they let my PA hang properly). IMHO, when you wear stuff like this the point is to be seen…

The other day I bought a couple of jockstraps. I don’t have the body yet for the really skimpy ones, but got some that should look decent on a body like mine…

I got the Intyman enhanced jock (it has a piece of fabric in it that pushes out your dick and balls – appropriate for a top)…

I got the white one so over weekends like MAL I can soak it with piss and turn it a nice yellow color… As it gets old and the fabric starts to pill it’ll look like a slutty old jock – which will be totally cool. It’ll also be hot seeing the outline of my big PA ring through the fabric.

And then I got the Activeman vented jock. What I liked about this one was how the site said the pouch was cut smaller than normal and didn’t have much stretch. I like the idea that I’ll pop out when I start getting hard.

Once again, that will look good stained piss yellow… 😉  I can totally see letting guys piss on me in the right circumstances. Walking around a place like MAL, smelling a bit musty from the piss would be sorta hot.

Anyway, you can start to see why not being a bear suits me. I’m a bit of an exhibitionist when I’m thin. Problem is I seem stuck at 220 – been at that weight for a few weeks now. I really need to go thinner if I’m going to pull off these jockstraps. I ordered larges which might be too small (not sure). My goal is to get down to mediums. I’m hoping the larges at least fit by January when I go to MAL. I’m thinking it would be fun to run around the halls at night in nothing but a jockstrap and military jump boots seeing what trouble I can get into. But that requires me to lose more weight.

Speaking of MAL I’m going to go see David Menkes and have him cut down a leather jock he made for me years ago. I want it to barely cover my dick and balls and show some or all of my pubes…  (Can you tell I’m getting into a pretty slutty mindset lately – it’s fun.)

And yeah, I know wearing a jockstrap is like having a big sign on you saying “bottom”, but that’s why I went for the ones that accentuate my dick. And I’m also thinking of being a bit versatile after I get my ass healed up properly… Could be fun to experience loads dripping out of my hole every now and then 😉

Sunday morning I had a hookup with a guy in the neighborhood. He’s one of those “neg for neg” types who I wonder about. Probably is neg, but not sure how much longer… He made the comment before I went over that he’d been partying a bit. PNP + bareback isn’t a good formula for staying neg – especially when you’re a bottom…

But I digress. When I woke up I had morning wood so I got online not really sure whether I wanted to hookup or just stay in bed and rest. The guy hit me up and he was so close I couldn’t really say ‘no’, so 5 minutes later I was at his place. He had a duplex and he went ahead of me down the stairs. As we got to the lower level things were really dark. I could barely see where I was going and actually walked into a side table at one point.

We got to his bedroom and the blinds were drawn but there was still just enough light to see what was going on. The guy had a stocky build. Some might consider him a cub, but he definitely wasn’t a bear. That body type is hit or miss with me, but other than when I was sick, and the sex party where the guy wanted me to rubber up after I started fucking him raw, I’ve had a perfect streak of being able to cum every time for 6 months now. I had thought I was past my problems with not being able to cum every time.

But that’s not how it went. For the most part my dick cooperated to the point where I’d get hard enough to fuck – I’d say it was about 80% hard. But I just couldn’t find a position with him that rubbed my dick the right way so I’d go the extra 20% and be hard as a rock and cum. Hell, I’ve even cum when I wasn’t fully hard, but that didn’t happen with him either.

I’m not sure if we’re just not a good match physically, or if my dick just wasn’t in the mood that day, but I tried a number of times with him and couldn’t make it work. He definitely got a few decent fucks in there while I was trying (it wasn’t a complete waste of time), but the point of it all – cumming in his ass – just never happened.

Finally I just gave up and left.

Since he mentioned he’d been partying a little I asked if he’d gotten fucked by other guys. He said ‘no’. That actually worries me a little – I wonder if he’s partying by himself. Doing drugs solo is always a bad idea. Besides being a little sad, you could have a bad trip and need help and there won’t be anyone there with you to look out for you.

Afterwards I realized he lives next door to someone I know socially. I’m sure they know each other. I’m starting to wonder whether fucking people who live so close is really a good idea. Verdict’s out on that one…

Load 2012-46

So Wednesday I was looking to hookup. Guests had been in town and I hadn’t had a chance to fuck. In fact I had a 6 day load in my balls. This guy hits me up and says he wants to make a video. His profile said he was 20, and “Neg, Safe Sex Only”. I wasn’t really planning on videotaping a fuck, but figured “why not?” Thing was I wanted it to go well, so needed to take a Cialis. But Cialis takes hours to kick in, so I put him off until late afternoon / early evening.

There was just something about his responses that told me he was going to flake on me. They were positive, but sorta non-committal. Thing was he lived really close to me, and I wanted him to become a regular fuckbud, so I went along with it…

I confirmed an hour before and gave him the address. But the time came and he didn’t show up. He’s SO close there’s no reason to be late. So I texted him and he was so late in responding that I had already given up and started looking for other guys. Then he says “leaving now”, so I give him another chance. He should have been at my place a few minutes later, but he wasn’t. So I gave up again and started the process of making plans with other guys. I was in the middle of setting up hookups with another guy (and possibly one other if that one fell through) when the doorbell rang. Turns out the guy finally showed up.

When I saw him he didn’t look 20 – looked more upper 20s. He came in the bedroom, took off his pants and sat on the bed. He was a bit non-communicative. He didn’t want to suck my dick, didn’t want to do much of anything. At one point I asked him “are you OK?” He sorta nodded he was fine.

Well, if he wasn’t going to do anything, I’d take the lead. I told him I wanted to rim him. I got his legs in the air and started rimming him. Usually bottoms make some sort of indication that they like being rimmed. He just laid there.

When I got hard enough to fuck I stood up, lubed my dick and his hole and started shoving in (he was still on his back with his legs up). Just about the time I got my head in he pushes me off him and says it hurts. I ask “so you don’t want to get fucked?” He didn’t.

In hindsight I think he went from wanting me to videotape him to not wanting anything because he was PNPing and when we finally hooked up he was coming down. This just reinforces my belief that guys who PNP are lousy lays.

Needless to say I wrapped things up with him and got him out the door fairly quickly. I wasn’t rude or anything – I did ask him again if he was OK…

So after he was gone I got back to the guys I was making plans with. There had been a 10 min delay for the wasted guy, but they were still interested. There was one guy in the Bronx and one that was a 20 minute walk. I picked the guy I could walk to, which sorta pissed off the guy in the Bronx (“I’m only 3 stops away…”)

I walk over to the guy’s place – he said he had wanted a quickie. I was wondering if that meant an anonymous pump-n-dump, but he answered the door and showed me to his bedroom. When I was taking off my clothes I noticed the size of his shoes – they were huge. I wear size 12. He must have been at least a couple sizes bigger than that. (Big feet, big meat, right?)

He had gone to do something in the bathroom and when he got back I was naked. I usually don’t take clothes off for a quickie, but since he was off doing something in the bathroom, I figured I would. When he got back I offered to take out my PA when he looked at it weird. Then we got down to business…

I had him get on all fours so I could rim him. He was a big guy – pretty muscular, sorta beefy and solid. I rimmed him, got hard, and then lubed my dick and started fucking him. I got him on his belly pretty quickly. I knew he wanted a quickie, so there was no point in drawing things out and I came in him pretty fast.

Thing was I couldn’t tell when I was fucking him whether I was in his hole or my dick was just between his legs. (I had him legs together on his belly). Back in the day I used to do a lot of frottage with my boyfriends – especially the one who was poz (before ARVs). Fake fucking between a guy’s legs can actually feel really good. And if you pop out of a guy’s hole it can be hard to tell if you’re in or not. When he got up I checked for cum on the bed – there wasn’t any. With a big 6 day load there would have been if I hadn’t been inside him when I came. Phew… Would have hated to waste the load…

We got dressed and then talked very briefly about living in Harlem as he walked me out (he hasn’t had near the number of problems I’ve had – then again he looks like a big, straight, muscular Latino).

Total time from entering the front door to leaving the front door was 12 minutes… Nice and quick, just like he wanted.