So this past Thursday I had a ton of porn stuff to do – a minimum of 8 blog posts (times two, since I post each of them in two different places). I was trying not to get stressed about it like I usually do and it was generally a pretty good day. But working on porn all day does get you horny and I kept jacking my dick throughout the day.

A guy messaged had me on one of the hookup sites and I told him I’d be available after work. He was in the neighborhood so long story short I texted him and he said he had another top coming over – did I want to join in? I figured, why not. So I headed over. By the time I got there he said the first top (who he’d described as cute, 25, and hung) had just left, but another top (big, beefy and older – sorta like me) had arrived just before me (I saw him going in the door as I was trying to figure out what buzzer to ring). So, according to him he’d just gotten fucked and taken a load, and now he had two more tops to fuck him. Busy boy…

The bottom was pretty hot – nice body, pretty lean, cute bearded face, and generally seemed like a nice guy. The other top had a big, thick cock that looked like a phenomenal fuck stick. Since he was in the neighborhood and I didn’t have 45 minutes to let a pill do it’s magic, I hadn’t taken one. Since I had been hard most of the day I didn’t think it would be an issue. But the other top’s unfailing big hard dick did put mine to shame a bit… I got hard and had no problems performing, but it came and went depending on what was going on…

While the bottom was giving a blowjob to the first top I figured I’d rim him. Got down there and he had a nice ass. It was a little unusual in that he had what I’d described as a swollen bit of skin – sorta like a huge skin tag that was full. It was the same color as everything else – so in some ways it looked like it might be normal for him, but I wasn’t sure… More on that later…

Anyway, he had me fuck him first which I did for a little while and then the other top took over. Problem was I never could get in a comfortable position – he liked to get fucked on all fours and his ass always seemed to be in the wrong place to fuck comfortably. And he wasn’t really getting the fact that I was having a difficult time due to the position.

As the other top was fucking him he was jacking off and then all of a sudden he came and wanted things to stop. Thought it was a bit weird, but whatever… I mean neither of us had even come close to cumming. We took a break and the other top and I swapped blowjobs and jacked each other’s dick. But the uncertain prospect of fucking the bottom again didn’t help my hardon.

Then the bottom came back into the room and after a bit he was up for getting fucked again. It was pretty much a repeat of last time only for a little while I did get him sorta on his belly in a slightly more comfortable position. Then the other top fucked him and once again the bottom came while getting fucked and everything stopped. Then he said he wasn’t really up for getting fucked any more… The other top jacked off on the bottom’s chest. The bottom didn’t even want it in his mouth. I licked some up (it was watery). It was like I was more into cum than the bottom. Needless to say, if he wasn’t willing to take my load up his ass, he wasn’t going to get it jacked onto his chest.

I got dressed and left and wondered what in the hell just happened. Most bottoms who have three bareback tops over want at least three loads up their ass. I didn’t see the first top and didn’t taste his load when I was rimming the bottom – so I can’t say one way or the other whether he actually was ever there. But it was like the bottom got titillated by the prospect of having a bunch of tops fuck him raw, but had strategies to make sure he didn’t actually get cum in his ass. Or maybe the “thing” by his hole was a hemorrhoid and it was really painful for him to get fucked. But he wasn’t exactly squealing in pain – getting fucked made him horny and got him to cum.

Either way – why in the hell did he hookup with three tops if he didn’t really want to get fucked that much? One top would have been more than sufficient.

He was a hot bottom physically and his hole seemed like it had potential if I could just get him in a good position. The other top was a distraction though… Since he’s in the neighborhood and easy to hookup with and could work out to be a good fuck buddy if the circumstances were different, I think I will try fucking him again – but just 1-on-1 this time and once I’m in him I’m not pulling out till my load’s up his hole. And with him on his belly he won’t be able to jack his dick and cum and stop things prematurely…

Or I guess I should say being a submissive bottom to our enemies has no place in the gay political and legal agenda. Let me explain…

A little over a year ago I wrote a blog post saying I thought the major gay organizations were dead wrong for not fighting aggressively. Their argument was that they didn’t want negative legal precidents that could take decades to overturn. Basically groups like Lambda Legal, NCLR, The Human Rights Campaign, The National Gay and Lesbian Task Force and Glaad think we shouldn’t fight fights unless we know we can win the fight. IMHO that line of reasoning is the political equivalent of being a submissive bottom to a rapist. While I’m all for actually being a submissive bottom to a rapist if that you’re thing – it has no place in gay politics. When your enemy is raping you, you get up, get him against a wall and beat him to a pulp.

Luckily there are powerful, upstanding straight people who don’t understand the reasoning behind our illustrious gay leadership’s argument. I mean think about it, who’s made the biggest difference lately? There was Gavin Newsom, the straight mayor of San Francisco who fought for gay marriage. There’s Jerry Brown, the straight Attorney General of California who refuses to have his office fight for bigotry. There’s David Patterson, the straight Governor of New York who is doing everything in his power to get gay marriage passed in New York. And now there’s Ted Olson and David Boies, the two opposing (straight) attorneys from the Bush v. Gore case, who are fighting Prop 8 despite all the major gay organizations asking them not to (and then reluctantly changing their mind after they realized it was going to happen whether they wanted it to or not). And last but not least is straight (?) Massachusetts Attorney General Martha Coakley who is suing the federal government demanding the federal government treat married gay people from her state the same as married straight people.

Why is the gay rights movement being lead by straight people? Are all of our gay leaders submissive bottoms? All I can say is thank god for good straight people!

I’m not alone in my disgust for our gay leaders. David Mixner, who was in the Clinton administration, has been criticizing our leadership on his blog. In his latest post he talks about how the gay leadership opposed fighting Anita Bryant in 1978 with much the same reasoning they’re using today. When he, Harvey Milk, and many others refused to follow the gay leaders of the day and then won, the gay leaders who had opposed them were quite eager to take credit for a victory they had actually tried to torpedo. Mixner’s pushing the idea that we’ve got gay apartheid going on – and it’s gaining some traction and making it harder for the sub bottoms to argue their case.

We, each in our own way, need to stand up and fight for our rights. Do not roll over and be a submissive bottom when it comes to whether you’re treated with dignity, equality and respect. And don’t put up with other gay people who are being political and legal submissive bottoms. Stand up, be the dom top, and put them in their place and tell them what to do and when to do it. If you give money to their organizations stop and explain why. These sub bottoms are Uncle Toms and they have no place running our major civil rights and legal organizations.

Went to The Eagle last night after going to see the new Harry Potter movie. It was threatening to rain but the roof deck was packed with people. We managed to find a decent place to stand and other than dealing with people who were too drunk to observe NY norms of personal space it was pretty good. However, there was one guy behind me that kept backing into me hard enough that I’d just about spill my beer. Had he actually made me spill it I was tempted to pour the rest all over him…

Anyway, we’re standing there and who’s standing directly in front of me next to the bar? Michael Musto – the long-time, iconic Village Voice reporter for NY’s gay scene. And he looked just like he did 18 years ago when I came to NY – same signature glasses, and horror of horrors the same sweater thrown around his shoulders he used to wear back when it wasn’t out of fashion. It was like he was some sort of yuppie from the ’80s. You have to realize – it was hot and muggy yesterday and threatening to rain. Any sort of sweater was inappropriate given the weather, and doubly inappropriate given that the Eagle is supposed to be a leather bar. But that’s just Michael.

After it started sprinkling we stayed on the roof deck when most people ran downstairs, but then it turned into a solid rain and the tree we were under stopped being an effective umbrella, so I went downstairs and got another beer from my favorite bartender (the one with the fuzzy beard – who has a thing for other guys with fuzzy beards – he even remembered my drink order). Then I went over to the cruisey area by pool table and bathrooms.

Along came Michael Musto and his sidekick – this tall thin guy who was wearing a golfing hat. It was like the tall thin guy was Michael’s scout or something. Despite the golfing hat (which he didn’t wear 100% of the time) the tall thin guy was at least dressed more appropriately. At one point he was directly in front of me and in the darkness it looked like he had a poka dotted blue hanky in his left pocket. In other words he was flagging bareback top… But it was dark and I’m not sure I saw things all that clearly.

But the funny part was how they were acting. Two masculine guys were making out in the corner and both of them were totally titillated – they couldn’t stop looking and were practically giggling out loud like teenage school girls. Then the tall thin guy discovered the rather tame sex going on in the bathroom and pulled Michael in to observe. We were leaving, but I was tempted to turn around and go into the bathroom with Michael an come onto him just to see what he’d do. He’s always an observer and (as far as I know), never a participant. What would he have done if I had come onto him? Something in me would like to be able to say I felt up Michael Musto…  But I didn’t…

After I had left I realized one of the guys I follow on Twitter (ajinnyc7) had been at The Eagle that night as well. Small world, too bad I didn’t see his tweet while I was there… And then I found out a piss bottom I’ve hookup with in the past was there as well trying to get guys to fill up his cup in the bathroom (didn’t see him though)…

Looking at the crowd last night made me want to make and sell t-shirts… We could use some t-shirts that identify us as barebackers – especially ones that others won’t necessarily understand. (Like “well bred” or “breeder”). Told my bf about the idea and he wants to screen print them. So I think we could make it happen….

[For those of you who don’t like my introspective posts where I critique what’s wrong with my life – just stop now – you won’t like this post…]

My life has been really sedentary and work-obsessed lately. With all the shit going on in the economy it just feels right to keep my nose to the grind and work work work. But it’s also frustrating ’cause my revenue off the porn stuff that I’m trying so hard to get going is totally flat – I’ve made almost the same exact amount for 7 months in a row now – and that amount is half of my target amount for the end of the year… It’s frustrating and stressful. And my mainstream work (which is where I can make good money) has been hanging like a millstone around my neck. I get in a funk when I have to work on it (there’s a long and sorta personal history to the project). It’s sorta weird, but it is what it is… I know I shouldn’t be complaining – I’m busy and making adequate money when so many friends and acquaintances are losing their jobs – but that’s just part of the whole angst of the economy – I feel like I don’t really have the right to bitch even when the feelings are genuine.

Anyway, my sedentary life has resulted in my weight going up and up. Talking real numbers it was stable for quite a while there – I’d fluxuate between 232 and 237 – but always capped out at 236 or 237. But the last month or so it’s been creeping up and I’m now at 245 and I’m not happy about it at all… The funny part is, just looking at me, my boyfriend thinks I look like I’m losing weight. Go figure.

I don’t mind 235 all that much (if I stayed there), but I’d rather be in the 195 to 215 range. Mind you, I look best (and pretty hot) when I’m 180, but I don’t see that happening. 195 to 215 is still pretty beefy and “realistic” but I look pretty good in that range. Just for reference I was 195 five years ago when I fucked Dawson. The funny part was I thought I wasn’t in shape which is why I didn’t want to take off my clothes… And 215 is the weight I was at when I took the torso pic I have in my profiles (to the left – and yeah, I shouldn’t have a pic that’s 30 lbs out of date, but at least it shows I have a belly and most guys seem to think I look better than my pics so I leave it).

The problem is back around the time of the Dawson video I used to stay in shape by sailing. I had a boat and spent most summer weekends on it. It was great on many levels – it was the only place I could completely relax, but it was great exercise as well. It was strenuous in a very natural way that lasted for hours and hours… But we sold the boat a few years ago and now I just work work work in the summer… Going out to a bar for fun just doesn’t have the same beneficial effects 😉

A long time ago when I was in great shape I used to go to the gym and do a lot of free weights and some cardio. Over a 6 month period in 1997-8 this was the progress I made going from 236 to about 185 (and then I kept going down and building muscle)…

Mind you I was younger and more active back then (walked a half hour back an forth to work, higher metabolism, etc.), but the point is I’ve done it before. Thing is, the gym got boring. I can do it, but I find it hard to maintain my motivation to go on a regular basis. Maybe if I had a workout partner and a good gym it would be different. Or better yet, if NYC had a bathhouse with a decent gym attached – that would get me to go to the gym 😉 But Gimnasio Grande (the local gym up here) just doesn’t do it despite all the hot Latinos…

All the focus on diet and exercise just doesn’t feel like it fits with my life anymore… On the other hand I feel like something needs to change in my life. I’m way too stressed over work – It rules my life. I’m not sleeping properly and I wake up tired and stressed… But the funny part is I’d probably be just as productive if I could really manage to have a well balanced life. Bottom line is I want more out of my life and my weight isn’t my primary issue – it’s a side effect of something bigger that’s wrong.

At the same time a lot of things are right with my life right now. In some ways I’m in a really good groove – it’s just not a balanced groove, but part of the reason why I haven’t changed is ’cause I’m a bit afraid I’ll screw up what’s right in my life. Case and point – sometimes I think I’d do better if I were single. But I wouldn’t be where I am today if it weren’t for my relationship with my boyfriend. Just financially, we’re selling our apartment (en sha’allah) and even with the real estate downturn we’re still able to pull out a decent chunk of money (not huge, but decent – and of course it’s contingent on the sale actually going through). If we stay together and take the next step real estate-wise by buying into a neighborhood that’s been really hit hard we could wind up with way more space, a better location, all at a similar net cost each month. If I were single that wouldn’t would be possible. The best I could hope for is a small apartment downtown or an a decent-sized one uptown in a less desirable neighborhood than we’re in now. Neither of those options are all that attractive (though there is one apartment uptown I could definitely seem myself living in – and it’s in a building where one of my fuck buddies lives). For all the frustrations that get mentioned here on the blog my bf is a good guy and we’re stronger together than we’d be apart.

But that said, things do need to change… I need to do stuff like play hookie some days and go lay out naked by the Hudson over by Dykeman. I need to find a way to put down the computer and get some exercise in a way that’s interesting and feels natural to me. But with my consuming worry over work, that’s a lot easier said than done…

But it’s more than exercise and diet. It’s friends too… We have a few friends here in New York who have tight groups of friends. But the problem is we don’t really feel like we fit in ’cause our lives are about our work and they tend to have jobs they want to forget as soon as they leave work. We often have more in common with straight friends who we can talk to about our work, but with me doing more and more porn it’s difficult to talk to straight friends about my work. They are only so interested in it – and there’s only so much I want to tell them. Plus, I’d rather have gay friends than straight friends – but it never seems that’s how it works out. The bottom line is we don’t have enough people we can just call up and go for drinks or dinner with who we’re really all that interested in.

When we go out to bars as a couple people pretty much never talk to us. When I go by myself is the only time I really get into conversations with people. On gay pride day we did a little experiment and split up a bit in the bars and suddenly we were both talking to people.

The bottom line is I gotta work on friends as well – but that’s easier said than done and the relationship with my boyfriend often gets in the way of that. Which actually strikes me as funny ’cause my bf is more social than me and most of our friends come into the relationship through him, but that’s part of the problem – they’re mostly his friends – not mine.

So, while I know my weight is not the primary issue, here’s what I look like at the moment (unfortunately that’s the most flattering pic)… I’m going to be trying to bring the weight down a bit. Hopefully I’ll be successful. A little over a year ago I tried and managed to get down 10 lbs to 225, but it didn’t last (obviously), but I need to to better than that…

Today I signed up for The Zone Diet. Based on what they said they offered it sounded like they had a calorie thing that would help me evaluate what I’m eating, but that wasn’t the case. They’re menu oriented which doesn’t work for me since 1/2 the stuff I eat is delivery, and I don’t cook and I’m not going to tell my bf he has to cook some menu off a diet site. So about 20 minutes after I signed up I asked for my money back.

If anyone knows a good calorie and fat/protein/carbs analyzer, let me know – I could use one to evaluate my diet.

And I need to find ways to be more active and more social… I think that’s the key to feeling better about things and having a more balanced life. One of the reasons I eat so much is to get me through stress. If I can feel more balanced I’ll probably eat less and lose weight. It’s all pretty connected.

Post Script: As I’m finishing this up my bf and I got in another stupid little argument. UGH! It’s usually brief, but sometimes I feel like that’s the part of my life that needs to change… But people who require perfection out of their boyfriends almost never have boyfriends and as usual we did make up… I just wish the choices were clearer right now…

OK, all that’s off my chest… I’ll get back to writing about sex shortly, but all this sort of stuff most definitely does affect my sex life. I just gotta work to get it all sorted out.

UPDATE: aadam808 turned me on to Spark People – a web site + iPhone app that helps you track what you eat and how much exercise you’re getting. It’s not perfect, but it’s still quite good – and free as well…

OK, I seriously apologize – I’m way behind on my fuck posts. There are now 3 guys I’ve fucked and filmed that I haven’t written up. I just haven’t had time to edit the videos. Then there’s a jackoff video my bf shot as a test of our new HD camera that I want to put up as well…

So in addition to the three videotaped fucks, yesterday I fucked porn star Jayson Park. If I have my facts right he started doing porn last November and after an initial taste I think he’s gotten bit by the porn bug and it seems like every time I talk to him he’s off doing porn somewhere. I don’t know everything he’s done, but I do know he’s been in videos for HDK (including “Backroom Bareback”), and Treasure Island (including “Bone Deep” – the TIM video that sold the most initial copies – where he’s called Jason Park), and Factory Video (including a “Private Cumhole” – where he’s on the cover).

Anyway, we’ve been trying for a while to hookup. Initially it didn’t look like it was going work because his general availability conflicted with mine. Then we got more serious about it and we started discussing me videotaping him and it got more serious, but kept getting pushed off. Finally we figured out we had time for a quick fuck yesterday followed by a quick drink at a bar.

Time came and I was supposed to leave but didn’t have his address. For a while there I thought I wasn’t going to be able to hookup with him, but then at the last minute he gave me his address. I wanted to prep a bit better, but all I had time for was downing part of a pill, throwing on some white boot socks (he’s got a serious white sock fetish), washing off my dick, and brushing my teeth.

I get there and he answers the door stark naked (except for some white socks, of course). I was thinking something along the lines of JACKPOT! Jayson is mixed race Asian (Asian + white). Frankly, that mix sometimes doesn’t come out right, but with him he got the best of both… He’s got an incredibly hot body that’s much hotter than his pics (which are hot). He’s really lean, but muscular at the same time. Great ass, a little hair in all he right places, and a killer smile. He had a big grin on his face as well. Said I was better than my pics. (He’s not the first to say that – I think I need better pics…)

We go to his home office where there’s a futon and we start making out, kissing, he sucks my dick… There is really great chemistry with him. Pretty quickly the term “boyfriend material” pops into my head. If I were single and he were looking and interested I think I’d wind up dating him… I mean a hot little cumhole boyfriend who who’d constantly be getting other guys’ loads in him I could use for lube… Who wouldn’t want that? Thing is he seems pretty committed to his boyfriend, and I have mine…

[Though I should mention I’ve been thinking about my relationship a lot lately. We’re in contract to sell our apartment – if it goes through it would be the first time in 11 years when property ownership wouldn’t be a complicating factor in breaking up with him. There were times in the past where if it hadn’t been a huge hassle to break up with him I probably would have. Still, that said, I’ve thought about it and have no plans to break up. There’s so much that works in our relationship and my bf is a really special guy. But still, meeting hot little (quality) cum hungry bottoms like Jayson does make me think about my options…]

Getting back to the fuck… It’s not long before his ass is up and I’m eating it out. He had a perfectly clean hole – was great to rim. About the only thing that would have been better would have been if I had tasted some other guy’s load when I was sucking on his ass…

He sucks my dick some more, we make out some more (we actually kiss a lot) and before long his legs are up and my dick is in his hole. God, it was an awesome hole – perfectly silky (probably due to the silicon lube). So he’s legs up my dick in his ass and I keep leaning in to kiss him while I fuck him. It was good…

I turned him over at one point, but given that his futon was in couch mode it was a little awkward fucking him on his belly. We switched up fucking him in a bunch of different positions, absolutely every time I pulled out he wanted to suck my dick and clean his ass juices off my dick – that’s called “Ass-To-Mouth” or ATM and I’ve never had a bottom be that into it… Guess he’s just a little “ATM machine” 😉

The fucking went on for a while it just didn’t feel like I could cum. Wasn’t his fault. The day before I had been working on the porn blogs and jacked off 2 or 3 times. Guess I shouldn’t have done that. But it was still a great fuck. I seriously could fuck him all day… But after a while we were pushing the time when his boyfriend would be home, so we wrapped things up.

We got dressed and went out for a drink at The Saloon on 9th Ave in Hell’s Kitchen. It was one of the first gay bars I went to when I came to New York in 1990 (back when it was called Cleo’s Saloon). Back then the RA in my dorm took me there ’cause it was the neighborhood bar. It had a pretty homely crowd back then and nothing has changed, but we weren’t there to pick up tricks (already did that). We had a beer, tried to talk about the porn business over the too-loud music, but then I had to leave to go downtown to have dinner with my boyfriend and some extended family.

Hopefully we’ll hookup again soon and I’d love to figure out a way to shoot some porn with him – but we gotta work out the details (money, etc.) – he’s a bit more professional than I’m ready to pay for at this point… 🙂

Once again I’m needing someone to help out with the porn blog. My boyfriend has been complaining that I haven’t been paying enough attention to my mainstream corporate clients (which are the ones that really pay the bills), so I need to offload more of the porn stuff. Johnny Miles is doing a great job writing for me, but I need someone to do image tagging, ranking and cropping here in NYC.

It’s on-site work (on the A train in upper Manhattan), 1-2 days a week, and the pay is $10/hour. While it sounds hot to get paid to look at porn all day, and you’ll probably get all horned up in the process, it’s really not as fun as you’d think. You’ll literally be going through thousands of images every day and it gets boring pretty quick. You’ll probably get burned out after about 6 hours and need to stop. And just to be clear – this is not a hookup scenario. This is a part-time job.

If you’re interested, e-mail me. Include your resume and give me a summary of your writing experience. It’s not like you have to write eloquently – it’s more about coming up with a wide variety of short descriptive phrases.